7. The Gifts of Sobriety

Addiction took a lot from me, and it took a lot out of me.  I was robbed of very simple things that I often overlooked or forgot about during my active addiction.  Sobriety, on the other hand, has granted me many of these gifts back (and more), but not without me putting in some good, honest work to change myself. 

I have been clean for three years, two months and some change.  EVERY SINGLE DAY THAT I WAKE UP CLEAN AND SOBER IS A GIFT.  Let me say that again for you… EVERY SINGLE DAY THAT I WAKE UP CLEAN AND SOBER IS A GIFT.  I cannot stress that enough.  It is truly a miracle for any addict to be able to go twenty-four hours without needing to use a substance.  I often joke that the world had to stop turning and the stars had to align perfectly for me to have a fair shot at recovery (a little bit dramatic, but you get the point).  I’m grateful for EVERYTHING that sobriety has gifted me, but none more so than my family, my newfound purpose in life and a “finely tuned moral compass.” 

At some point, my family realized that I was the only one who could make the changes necessary to work towards sobriety.  I was impossible to talk to or interact with.  They became so frustrated and fed up with me, and my poor behavior during my active addiction that they couldn’t watch me sit around and slowly kill myself with alcohol and drugs any longer.  In order to protect themselves, they pulled away from me.   If I had been in their position, I believe that I would have done the same thing.  I barely even noticed they had retreated because my brain and my mind were so clouded from the alcohol and drugs.  Today I can proudly say that I have my family back in my life.  Family has become one of the most important things in my life again.  I never lost their love, that remained constant, and I know that to be true today.  What I lost was their respect, their trust and their confidence in my ability to stay sober.  This wasn’t an immediate gift that was granted as soon as I finally stopped using alcohol and drugs. I had to put some work in on my end to prove that I was worthy of their trust and respect again.  Today my family members are the biggest cheerleaders of my recovery and I’m truly grateful for them.  Only sobriety could have granted this gift back to me. 

Addiction sucked all the purpose out of my life.  Whether it was family, friends, hobbies, careers, etc. - all nowhere to be found when the alcohol and drugs took full control of my life.  My only purpose in active addiction was to get that next high; no matter what, no matter how.  That was it.  That’s no way for anyone to live; completely purposeless.  This too wasn’t immediately gifted to me when I finally put the alcohol and drugs down.  I had to put some effort in on my end to find a purpose - MY purpose, in life again.  Today I can report that I fully believe I have found a purpose in my life again.  My newfound purpose is to simply try to help others avoid making the same poor decisions that I made.  In active addiction my purpose in life is meaningless.  Just a constant rat race to get that next fix.  Sobriety has gifted me a newfound purpose in life, and for that I am eternally grateful.

While in active addiction, all bets were off.  I would do WHATEVER I needed to do in order to score money and drugs.  I didn’t care what others thought about my actions while I was caught in the grips of addiction.  Plain and simple; I sold pills for years to support my massive Xanax habit.  I didn’t consider what was in the pills that I so recklessly sold to others.  If it lined my pockets, I was happy.  I never once thought about the people I was selling drugs to or how I might be negatively affecting their life by doing so.  I only ever did favors for others as a way of getting something I wanted in return.  I always had an ulterior motive.  Today, as an addict in recovery, it’s very simple; I just do the next right thing in life.  Whether it be something as small as holding a door for someone or something bigger like returning a lost wallet with money in it, I do these things because it’s simply the right thing to do.  Addiction stole the morals that were instilled in me from a young age and if I choose to pick up and use alcohol and drugs again, you can bet your bottom dollar that my morals are one of the first things to go out the window.  I’m truly grateful for sobriety and how it has allowed me to establish morals in my life again.

As I stated earlier, every single day that I wake up clean and sober is a gift.  Addiction robbed me of so much.  I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy, and I sincerely mean it when I say that.  I’m very grateful for my sobriety.  Over the past three years it has graciously gifted me back things that I didn’t even realize addiction had snatched from me. 

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to help spread awareness today.

6. Consequences to Your Actions

I’ve faced consequences my entire life, but it wasn’t until the consequences of my actions became so severe that I finally became open and willing to the idea of changing my ways. As a child growing up, my parents always punished me when they felt it was needed and I absolutely HATED it.  I thought I had the most strictt, unfair parents in the entire world when actually they weren’t that bad (hindsight is 20/20).  I would get so angry when there were consequences to my actions and this would become a common theme in my life for years to follow; BOO-HOO POOR ME, THE ENTIRE WORLD IS AGAINST ME, etc. 

Today, as a thirty-one-year-old in recovery from substance abuse disorders, I now realize just how important consequences are, when necessary.  Consequences are designed to “hurt,” they are not meant to be enjoyable.  This is based on the idea that until the consequences of your actions become so severe you will continue to engage in less than desirable behaviors.  Otherwise, what’s the point in changing?

Legal consequences were the only consequences I consciously feared while in active addiction.  I thought that if I wasn’t in handcuffs or in jail, I was doing just fine.  The time came, as it often does, when my luck ran out and once the dust settled, I had to face the music and pay for my actions.  I dodged legal consequences for a very, very long time while in active addiction.  I actually prided myself on that (INSANITY).  By dodging legal consequences for so long, I eventually developed this feeling of invincibility to ANY consequences, which is a very dangerous mindset for an addict.

Consequences are not always immediate.  Believe it or not, the worst consequences I ever had to deal with weren’t legal consequences handed down by any judge.  Early in my recovery my ninety-five-year-old grandmother’s health began to decline.  Around the same time, I had two open court cases from two separate arrests. I eventually entered a drug treatment court program as an alternative to incarceration.  There were many terms that I was required to abide by while in the program, otherwise I’d be sent back to jail.   One of the terms required that I be granted permission to enter a different state for an extended period by my counselors AND the judge.  My situation was very messy at the time, and they weren’t confident in my ability to stay clean (rightfully so, I had already proven that I was a chronic relapser).  CONSEQUENTLY, I was not granted permission to leave the state and my grandmother passed away soon after, surrounded by other loving family members.  I never got to see my grandmother before she died.  To this day I carry a huge amount of guilt with me for not being able to be there.  I believe that there was a reason I wasn’t there for her passing and it's because I wasn’t ready to handle that situation (at the time).  I never thought that I wouldn’t be able to see my grandmother one last time because not once did I consider these types of consequences while using; I sure wish I did though, because maybe things would have been different and I would have been able to be there.

I strongly urge children, teenagers and young adults (hell, adults too) to always think before you act and always consider the possible consequences of your actions.

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to help spread awareness today.

5. Cravings & Triggers

Let's talk about cravings and what may trigger them this week, shall we?!

A craving is a desire to use alcohol and/or drugs and can be experienced as thoughts/ memories, and/or physical sensations (sweaty palms, pounding heart, upset stomach, etc.). The intensity of cravings varies; they can be extremely mild, extremely strong, or anywhere in between.  An average craving only lasts for about fifteen/twenty minutes so if you don’t act on it, it will eventually pass!  I like to think of cravings as ocean waves because of the way they come and go, some being stronger than others.

A trigger is something, anything that causes a craving.  Anything associated with drug use or addiction can potentially be a trigger for an addict.  Triggers are external, internal, and situational.  External triggers consist of any people, places or things that may cause cravings.  Internal triggers are emotions, feelings and/or thoughts/memories that may cause cravings to use alcohol and/or drugs. Finally, situational triggers are social situations that may cause cravings for the addict. Literally anything an addict may encounter in their daily life can be a potential trigger.  If they are not successful at identifying what their own triggers are, they are ultimately at a much greater risk to relapse.

External triggers consist of people, places and/or things that cause cravings to use alcohol and/or drugs.  You’ll often hear recovering addicts that have a substantial amount of clean time under their belt suggest to addicts in early recovery that they avoid the people they used with, the places where they used and the things they used or used with.  Now it’s much easier said than done, but the idea behind it is valid.  I had many external triggers as I was first beginning my recovery journey.  At first, gas stations, where I purchased most of my alcohol during my addiction, were a HUGE trigger for me so I had to avoid going into them for well over a year.  I would either pay at the pump or avoid the gas station all together.  Until I felt comfortable enough that I could manage those cravings that were triggered from me entering a gas station, I simply stayed away.

Internal triggers are emotions, feelings and/or thoughts/memories that cause cravings to use alcohol and/or drugs.  These types of triggers can be more difficult to identify being that they aren’t visible, as they occur within the addict.  Anger has always been one of my main internal triggers.  For many years in active addiction, I would simply use drugs to “cope” with my feelings of anger.  Today as feelings of anger present themselves in my life, I am much better prepared to deal with them, soberly!

Finally, we have situational triggers.  These are just what they sound like; uncomfortable/unwelcomed situations or events that cause cravings to use alcohol and/or drugs.  To this very day, someone close to me passing away causes extremely strong cravings to use.  For the longest time I thought using drugs was the only possible way to deal with the death of friends and/or loved ones.

As an addict, I hate feeling uncomfortable.  That’s a huge reason I used alcohol and drugs in the first place.  As I continue my recovery journey, I am constantly adapting new techniques and finding new ways to appropriately deal with my triggers and the cravings they produce.  I can tell you with 100% certainty that using alcohol and/or drugs is NEVER the answer to ANY problem.  It is a temporary fix that will only makes things worse in the long run.  Trust me on this one.

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to help spread awareness today.

4. My Rock-Bottom

In last week’s column I explained the irony in the beauty of an addict hitting rock-bottom.  What better way to follow that up than with a personal recount of my last rock-bottom?  I remember my bottom very well.  I’m terrified at even the thought of going back.  With that being said, I am also extremely grateful for my rock-bottom and the way it helped “break” me down (physically, emotionally, and spiritually) to a place where I was finally willing to put in the honest work that’s required to achieve long term sobriety.  Like many other addicts, my rock-bottom saved my life.  

In December of 2018 I was arrested (again) after wrecking my car (again) while under the influence of a combination of alcohol, marijuana and Xanax.  I also had 350 Xanax pills in my possession, packaged and ready for sale.  I was arrested, processed that night and released from the police station early the next morning.  They charged me with a felony, six misdemeanors and several violations.  I immediately entered a local detox center later that day.  I had already been through this so many times before: the arrests, the detoxes, the rehabs, the court mandated programs, etc.   

Two days into the detox process, I had a seizure while in the bathroom as a result of withdrawals from alcohol and Xanax.  When I fell, I slammed my head against the porcelain toilet.  I don’t remember too much but when I finally came to, I was surrounded by nurses and doctors shining flashlights in my eyes and talking amongst themselves.  A few more moments passed when I realized that something was different.  Something was very wrong.  As I went to stand myself up, I realized that I no longer had mobility in my legs.  I was trying with everything I had in me to stand up, but all that I could do was move my upper body.  My legs were dead weight.  When doctors lightly pinched my legs, I could feel them doing it.  I just couldn’t get them to move.  Doctors went on to run many tests while they grasped at straws trying to figure out what was wrong with my legs.  They concluded that when I fell and hit my head against the toilet, the “connection” from my brain to my lower body was disrupted, affecting the mobility of my legs.  They ultimately diagnosed me with temporary paralysis.  What should have been a 4-5 day stay in detox turned into over a month long stay in the hospital where I had to relearn how to walk with the help of doctors, nurses and physical therapists. 

I remember sitting in my hospital room a few days after my fall, at the young age of twenty-seven years old, wondering if I’d ever walk again. Doctors wondered the same thing.  To say this was a very dark and difficult time for me is an understatement.  This rock-bottom was different from the many others I had hit in the past because for the first-time in my life, a legitimate feeling of fear was instilled in me when my legs became immobile, and I wasn’t sure if I’d ever walk again.  I now have absolutely no doubt in my mind that had I not had that traumatic experience, I would have left that detox, gone back to using drugs and would eventually hit a new rock-bottom (if I was lucky enough), or even worse, the ultimate rock-bottom… DEATH.  Thankfully, that’s not how it went.   

It’s been over three years since my fall in that hospital bathroom and I still thank my higher power daily for allowing me to hit that rock-bottom. It saved my life.

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to help spread awareness today.

3. The Beauty of Hitting Rock-Bottom

I remember sitting in the first group of my first rehab, fresh off a BRUTAL seven-day detox, and some other patients kept making references to “rock-bottom.”  At the time, I didn’t think much of it.  As I spent more time in that rehab, I learned that “rock-bottom” is a concept used to refer to an addicts’ lowest point in their addiction. It is often a crisis event that leads an addict to realize that they have lost control over their drug or alcohol use.  It’s a point so low, a pain so deep, that the addict finally becomes willing to do the work to get sober and recover from their addiction(s).  Hitting rock-bottom is unique to the addict, meaning one addict’s rock-bottom may look far different from another’s.

As I lay in bed later that night in rehab, I was so sure that I had finally hit my rock-bottom and that it was all going to be uphill from that moment on.  Boy was I wrong.  I hadn’t even begun to scratch the surface of what hitting rock-bottom was going to entail.  Like so many other addicts, I possess this unique ability of locating “trap-doors” in my rock-bottom by continuing to use alcohol and drugs.  As an addict, I “specialize” in finding new ways and means of inflicting pain (physical and/or emotional) and suffering upon myself.

An addict hitting rock-bottom is often a very dark and/or painful experience for everyone involved.  Remember from earlier that we consider rock-bottom to be an “absolute low-point of one’s addiction.”  Now, while rock-bottom may initially be perceived as this dark and/or painful experience, there may come a point in time where we begin viewing this same exact event of hitting rock-bottom as something that is also, ironically, very beautiful; an addict beginning their journey of recovery.

I know, it’s a lot to unpack at once, but try and stay with me....

Rock-bottom is the point in an addict’s addiction where the pain (physical and/or emotional) becomes so unbearable that it sparks a positive change to occur, that being newfound sobriety.  So, what we initially considered to be the very darkest, most ugly time for an addict may eventually be viewed as something truly beautiful being that it helped save the addict from the ultimate rock-bottom… DEATH. 

I want to conclude this week’s column with a quote from J.K. Rowling, the New York Times best-selling author of the Harry Potter book series.  She was recounting hitting a rock-bottom of her own when she so perfectly captured the irony in the beauty of hitting rock-bottom.  She said, “and so, rock-bottom became the solid foundation on which I re-built my life.”  

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to spread awareness today.

2. Pathways to Recovery

The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Service Administration (SAMHSA) defines addictions/substance use disorders as occurring “when the recurrent use of alcohol and/or drugs causes clinically and functionally significant impairment, such as health problems, disability, and failure to meet major responsibilities at work, school or home.” SAMSHA’s working definition of recovery from substance use disorders is, “a dynamic process of change through which addicted individuals improve their health and wellness, live a self-directed life and strive to reach their full potential.” 

There is no set “blueprint” that can be used for helping all addicts/alcoholics successfully achieve long-term recovery from their addictions.  Recovery is unique to the individual; it differs on a case-by-case basis. In this week’s column, I’d like to focus on two different pathways to recovery: clinical pathways and non-clinical pathways.

Clinical pathways are recovery processes that are aided by the services of a healthcare provider, clinician, therapist or other credentialed professional.

Non-clinical pathways are recovery processes that do not use healthcare professionals or medicine.  These pathways are often community-based and peer-supported. 

The majority of recovering addicts that I personally know (it’s a lot) used a clinical pathway to begin their recovery journey from their addiction(s).  The most common clinical pathway to recovery often entails an addict attending a medical detox center where medical professionals perform what is referred to as a “medically assisted detox” where doctors, nurses and other trained medical professionals administer certain medications to help ease the discomforts of drug withdrawals.  The detox process generally takes anywhere from 2-7 days depending on the type of drug(s), how much and how often the addict is using.  After completing the detox process, addicts usually enter either a short-term or a long-term rehabilitation center/program.  A short-term rehab can last anywhere from 7-28 days (often comes down to money available and/or insurance policies, but I’ll save that for another day).  A long-term rehab can last anywhere from a couple of months to even years long.  During an addict’s stay in rehab, they are required to attend daily groups and meetings with other patients.  These groups are often led by trained professionals, nurses, clinicians and/or therapists with the common goal of helping addicts better understand their addictions while also helping equip them with basic life skills and coping mechanisms to help lead a more functional life, without the use of illicit mind or mood-altering substances.  There are other, different, clinical pathways to recovery.  My example is just one very common (and condensed) example of an addict using a clinical pathway to begin their recovery journey. 

Other recovering addicts that I personally know used a non-clinical pathway to begin their long-term recovery from their addiction(s).  They were able to stop using drugs without the use of a medical institution, medicine, medical professional, trained clinician or credentialed therapist. Some of the most common non-clinical pathways to recovery often involves routine attendance to community-based, peer-supported, self-help groups.  Some of these groups can include, but are not limited to, Narcotics Anonymous (NA), Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), Gamblers Anonymous or Sexaholics Anonymous.  These self-help groups often follow a twelve-step process that was first formulated by other addicts and alcoholics back in 1938.  Self-help groups are a place where addicts can safely share with each other their experiences while using drugs, experiences while getting sober and (if applicable) experiences while in sustained long-term recovery from their addiction(s).  

At the end of the day, only the addict himself/herself can choose which pathway to recovery they feel will be best suited in helping them to begin their recovery journey from their addiction(s).  Whether an addict uses a clinical pathway to recovery or a non-clinical pathway to recovery, the end goal of each remains the same; To help the addict recover from their addiction(s).

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to spread awareness today.

1. A Little Bit About Me

My name is Kyle Borisewich, I’m thirty-two years old and have been a lifelong resident of Goshen, New York.  I have struggled with substance abuse disorder since the age of fourteen years old.  I made a lot of poor choices during my addiction… and I mean A LOT.  I’ve hit rock bottom more times than I can count.  My journey is one filled with anger, disappointment, depression, lies, deceit, relapse, and pain (both emotional and physical).  I’ve attended several rehabs, been arrested, and jailed all as a direct result of using drugs and alcohol.  December 28, 2019, is the last time I used a mood or mind-altering substance.  That’s just over three years.  For a kid who couldn’t find a way to make it through the hour without using some sort of substance, three years feels like an eternity.  Since getting clean and beginning to turn my life around, I have been very open about my struggles while in active addiction and my milestones while chasing recovery; the good, the bad, and everything in between.  I am simply trying to help someone else who may struggle with an addiction or someone who may have a loved one that struggles with an addiction. If I can keep just one person from traveling down the dark road that I did, then being vulnerable and sharing my story is all worth it. 

I have been asked by my hometown’s local newspaper, The Independent Republican, to write a weekly column on something related to mental health, addiction, and/or recovery and I’m ecstatic to do so! I’m extremely passionate about spreading awareness on substance abuse.  I’m not here to bore you with stats or teach parents where to look in a child’s bedroom for possible drugs.  I simply want to help educate others through my own personal experiences with addiction and recovery.  Some of the things I touch upon in this column may be very difficult to read, but the current drug epidemic doesn’t care about that.  We, as a community, can’t tiptoe around these issues any longer or we will continue to bury children AND adults who lose their battle to addiction at an alarming rate.

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to help spread awareness today.