12. A Letter From My Sister

In this week’s column I’d like to share an emotional letter my sister wrote to me in March of 2019, when I was, in her words, “at my worst point” (yet) in my addiction.  At the time, I had already completed a few rehabs, but I wasn’t ready to truly get sober.  I would enter a rehab, complete it and often find myself using within just twenty-four hours of arriving home.  Sobriety just did not appeal to me at all.  Besides, I had already convinced myself of two things; the first was that my addiction wasn’t all that bad and the second was that my addiction affected one person, and one person only… ME.  Family, friends, counselors, therapists, police officers, and judges all repeatedly told me that my addiction was bigger than me and that it affected many others besides myself.  Here’s the thing… if I admitted that my using affected other people who I supposedly deeply cared for, then I would’ve been forced into quitting using (which usually doesn’t work out anyway) or risk losing those relationships altogether.  I didn’t want either to happen; I think that’s what they mean by “having your cake AND eating it too.”  I continued to use heavily for over six months AFTER my sister wrote me this letter, leaving nothing but a path of destruction for everyone but me to deal with. Alcoholics Anonymous describes addiction as being “cunning, baffling and powerful.  This emotional letter from my dear sister, Kacie, is hard evidence of just how powerful addiction is. How else can I explain continuing to use despite desperate pleas, much like this one, for me to stop before it was too late? 

“Dear Kyle, 

I’m really mad at you. It’s hard to verbalize my thoughts because the anger is so overwhelming.  You have no idea how much pain you are putting Mom through every day.  She worries about you every minute of every day and you are being too selfish to even realize that.  So many people want to help you, but you won’t accept the help.  You are stealing Mom from me and that is not fair.  She has not been her fun, vibrant self for a long time and I blame you.  You are stealing the life out of her and draining any happiness from her.  The chronic stress you put her through is wearing her down to nothing. 

It's so frustrating for me because I don’t understand how you can’t see what you are putting your family through.  It makes me feel like I don’t know you.  It feels like I lost my big brother… but you’re still here.  But then I ask myself – did I ever really know you?  Maybe not. But that’s irrelevant because I still love you either way and what you’re doing to yourself is terrifying.  I’m convinced that every phone call I get is going to be someone telling me that you died.  You have no idea how upsetting that is. My biggest wish I have is to get through to you and show you that I need you in my life.  Mom needs you.  Dad needs you.  Our family in Virginia needs you.  My future kids need you.  You are my big brother and I want to continue bragging about you for the rest of my life.

I hope you choose to conquer this addiction before it steals you from me.  Soon, it’s going to be too late.  I can’t do life without you.  I love you more than you will ever know, babe.”

If you have a loved one caught in the grips of their addiction, please don’t ever lose hope in them getting clean.  My sister never lost hope in me.

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to spread awareness today.

11. Easter 2019

Four years ago, I spent Easter in a cold cell while detoxing cold turkey from alcohol and Benzodiazepines in Orange County Jail.  Turns out that the Easter Bunny doesn’t make a pit-stop at the local jail (at least not mine) to deliver candy and hide eggs for the prisoners.  I’d been arrested many times before, but this time I was facing much more serious charges than in the past - ones that, if convicted, carry hefty prison sentences.

One week prior to Easter of 2019, I was arrested by a local police agency after pulling into a public parking lot and recklessly clipping a parked car.  I was so messed up from eating Xanax pills and drinking beers earlier that day that I didn’t even realize I had hit anything at all.  I parked, locked up my car and went into the bar across the street to throw back a few more cold ones and keep my “buzz” going.  A short while later I looked outside and happened to see police lights flashing in the parking lot that I had parked in.  To this day, I still don’t know what I was thinking when I stormed out of that bar and up to those police officers, brazingly asking what they were doing near my car knowing damn well what I had stashed away inside.  If this isn’t proof that drugs make you do crazy things, then I don’t know what is.  The officers told me I was caught on camera hitting a parked car.  Next, they asked if I had any weapons or drugs on me and it was at that very moment that I realized the jig was up, and I was done for.  I told them that I did have “some” pills in my car that could be found in my driver side door panel and the center console.  Officers began searching my car, ripping through my belongings until they finally found a sandwich bag full of 520 Xanax pills, right where I had stashed them.  They arrested me on the spot and charged me with felony intent to distribute a controlled substance, felony possession of a controlled substance, several drug possession misdemeanors, misdemeanor driving under the influence, and tons of driving violations. 

I woke up out of my blackout in Orange County Jail nearly two days later with absolutely no recollection of what I had been arrested for.  Mixing alcohol and Benzodiazepines (Benzos) is extremely dangerous, often resulting in “blackouts.”  I remember waking up and reading the word “INMATE” written on the leg of my jail jumpsuit, and the feeling of my heart sinking into my stomach that immediately followed.

I spent the entire week locked alone in my cell, for over twenty-three hours a day in the medical unit.  I was placed there for a minimum of seven days which is protocol for an inmate withdrawing from alcohol AND Benzos.  They USUALLY let me out of my cell for thirty minutes daily to shower and make a phone call.  There were days when the COs were so busy dealing with other prisoners in the dorm that my shower and phone call were overlooked.  My cell consisted of a metal cot, a toilet with a sink connected on top and a broken clock/speaker on one of the walls.  My cell door had a small, sliver of window that looked out into the common area of the dorm where other prisoners passed time watching TV, eating meals, working out, and playing card games.  I was only allowed to have two white T-shirts, two pairs of boxers, two pairs of socks and one pair of “jail slides” (a slip-on shoe) in my cell at any given time. I wasn’t allowed ANY books or magazines the entire week.  Time seems to slow down to almost a complete halt when you’re withdrawing from alcohol and drugs while locked up in jail with absolutely nothing to do to pass it by. I found myself so bored some days that I resorted to counting the small holes in each concrete block of my jail cell’s walls.  I was grasping at straws; doing anything to try and pass time.

Easter arrived a week later, and I was still locked up.  There would be no annual Easter ham dinner with my family that night.  Instead, I found myself eating bread that I sprinkled a packet of sugar on.  It was all I could manage to keep down as a result of withdrawals paired with how nasty the food looked AND smelled.  I’ll never forget the stench of some of those meals; it’s as if the smell was burned into my nostrils! Although these memories from addiction are unpleasant, they help me remain vigilant against my disease of addiction.  Someone once told me that if I forget where I came from, I’m bound to end up back there; and I most definitely don’t want that.  Today, I am over three years sober from alcohol and drugs AND I get to spend Easter with my family again.  Life just keeps getting better and better for me and I refuse to screw it up by using alcohol and drugs again.

I hope everyone had a safe and relaxing holiday.  Until next week, friends!

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to spread awareness today.

10. The Void Left When You Stop Using

When an addict or alcoholic stops using, they are often left with a huge void to fill.  They feel as if there is a big hole, or gap, in their life that their substance abuse used to fill. They suddenly find themselves with an abundance of downtime, causing boredom and this can be SO dangerous for an addict because it allows their mind to really wander, not staying focused on their recovery.  Maintaining recovery requires that an addict learn how to fill this void with positive things such as hobbies, careers, relationships etc.  If an addict is not able to find new, healthier and more productive ways to fill their void, they are ultimately more at risk to relapse.   

I believe that filling the void is one of the first things an addict must consciously work on while adjusting to a life in sobriety.  I struggled with this for a very, very long time and as a result, I was a chronic relapser, constantly entering rehabs but never leaving them with any true change in my toxic behaviors.  When I finally stopped using, I suddenly found myself with so much downtime on my hands.  I had gotten so used to passing my time by drinking my face off in my favorite dive bar until I finally went home to eat a handful of Xanax so that I could “knockout” comfortably for the night; just to wake up and do it all over again.  I was twenty nine years old when I finally got clean this time around.  It was totally embarrassing to admit that I couldn’t manage downtime at that age.  The truth of the matter is that I hadn’t managed downtime without the use of drugs in well over fifteen years.  Downtime isn’t always something that we consciously think about while navigating the madness of everyday life; but when you are put in a situation where you are forced to manage an overabundance of downtime, it can prove to be extremely difficult… trust me! 

When I finally got clean this time, I had absolutely no idea how to pass time without the use of alcohol and drugs.  I didn’t have any hobbies outside of using.  I didn’t have any career aspirations aside from dealing drugs.  I found that alI I really wanted to do was go back to my old way of life, using alcohol and drugs, but I knew deep down that I needed to do something different. I began asking other addicts who have a substantial amount of clean time what they suggest I do to pass downtime now that I was no longer using.  The most common answer I received was a very simple one.  It was to find a hobby.  It didn’t matter if it was a new hobby, or a lost hobby rediscovered.  I decided to have a go at painting, and in my opinion, I absolutely sucked at it! What I discovered when I was painting was that my mind would slow to almost a complete stop.  It was the first time in a long time where I was able to truly shut my mind off, without the use of any illicit substances.  I would look up from painting after what felt like a half of an hour only to find that it had been three hours!  Running and working out in the gym had the same effect.  Not only did they help pass time, but they also really helped with my overall mental health.  When someone works out, endorphins are released helping to improve their mood.  Endorphins have been scientifically proven to ease depression symptoms and help alleviate anxiety and stress.  To this very day, I still work out and run almost daily.  When I’m not able to, I find that I become very moody, and I feel as though something is missing from my day.

My life in addiction was chaotic, to say the least.  So, when I finally left that life behind, I found myself exceptionally bored with a lot of time on my hands. I just couldn’t quite figure out how to effectively manage downtime without the use of alcohol and drugs. I’m so grateful for the suggestions I was given on how to pass time in my early recovery. Without them, I’m not sure I’d be sober today.

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope. If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to spread awareness today. 

9. Your Past Follows You

If you have young children, early teens and/or young adults, I would HIGHLY suggest that when you finish reading this week’s column, you pass it on for them to read.  For any new readers, I’m an addict/alcoholic in recovery for just over three years now.  I was ripping and roaring from the young age of thirteen years old until I was twenty-seven years old.  I’ve had more arrests and more legal cases against me than most people my age, almost all a direct result of my addiction.  Please do not mistake this for bragging or boasting; it’s the exact opposite.  I’m just trying to help someone from making the same poor decisions that I made while caught in the grips of addiction.

Earlier this week I traveled to Albany to take a civil service exam and be fingerprinted for a job position I have been interested in.  This interview process wasn’t like any other that I’ve participated in before; it was much more rigorous and in depth than what I was used to.  I was fully aware of that going into it.  I was required to disclose most EVERYTHING from my past; ALL my arrests (as a juvenile AND an adult), all the drugs I’ve tried, who I hang around with, etc.  I showed up feeling so well prepared and confident in my interviewing abilities.  I had all my documents filled out thoroughly; I made sure that I dotted all my Is and crossed all my Ts.  I provided all the court dispositions (an official court document affixed with the Court Seal that says what happened in a criminal case) that they required, for each arrest I have EVER had.  Mind you, my arrests date all the way back to 2007, and there were many of them. This task alone proved to be especially time consuming and extremely frustrating.  I have no one else to blame for this but myself, and I know that. The interviewers went through my past criminal history with a fine-tooth comb, asking for what seemed like every single detail of each case.  They were bringing up things they had discovered about my past that even I had forgotten about!

If you take anything from this week’s column; let it be this…  YOUR PAST FOLLOWS YOU EVERYWHERE YOU GO. This hiring agency required that I disclose ALL court dispositions for all previous legal cases of mine.  Now, most of my past legal cases have either been sealed or even expunged from my record because I abided by the terms I was ordered to when sentenced in court (drug treatment court, community service, etc.).   I am thirty-one years old today and I found myself having to answer for crimes that I committed as far back as the age of thirteen years old.  For my friends who struggle with math as I do; I was answering for crimes I committed over eighteen years ago.  Do not be fooled into thinking that just because you commit a crime as a juvenile that it always goes away when you turn eighteen years old and are legally recognized as an adult.  Sure, the case may be sealed where only certain governmental agencies, such as law enforcement, the courts, or the military can access the conviction, but it NEVER completely goes away unless it is expunged from your record, meaning that the conviction is COMPLETELY erased.  It’s like posting something on the internet.  Once it’s posted on there, it can’t be erased; it’s there forever.  As an adolescent my mother ALWAYS insisted that I be very cautious with my behavior because the consequences may have long-lasting effects on my life.  Looking back, I now realize that was PHENOMENAL advice.  As I did with most things she told me, I brushed it off and didn’t think much about it.  The advice went in one ear and right out the other - just as quickly as it came in.  Looking back, I really wish I listened to her; it would have saved me a whole lot of trouble.

Most times I was arrested, the case would end in an ACD (adjournment in contemplation of dismissal) which provides for a full dismissal of the charges in the interest of justice following a period of time, usually six months to a year, as long as the defendant does not get rearrested during the adjourned period.  I was under the impression that those cases of mine, both juvenile and adult, that ended in an ACD, were done with and long forgotten. I guess they are technically done with, but they sure WERE NOT forgotten.  Our pasts follow us everywhere that we go and there certainly is going to come a time, if not many, in one’s life where they will have to answer for past actions, no matter how big or how small they may be deemed to be.  For my younger readers… please try and keep that in mind each time you decide you want to bend the rules, test the waters or worse, break the law.  Don’t let one poor decision from your childhood ruin your future.  Believe me… it’s just not worth it!  Trust me on this one.  It’s difficult enough to find a career that you want to pursue.  Past legal trouble will only make the process that much more difficult.  Think twice before you act and ALWAYS consider the consequences of your actions because ultimately, your past follows you everywhere you go.

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to spread awareness today.

8. Gratitude

Gratitude is a phenomenon defined by Webster’s Dictionary as, “the quality of being thankful.”  The American Psychological Association (APA) further defines the phenomenon of gratitude as, “a sense of happiness and thankfulness in response to a fortunate happenstance or tangible gift.”  One can experience gratitude for someone or something at a certain moment in time or one may experience gratitude more long-term as a positive character trait.  Gratitude can be shown for both good AND bad things.  I believe that gratitude is an acquired strength that can be enhanced with awareness and continued practice.

When I hear the word gratitude, the first couple of things that initially come to mind are all positives; family, friends, health, etc.  Very rarely has my first thought ever been something negative.  Don’t be fooled though!  You can have gratitude for negative things, as well as positive things.  What it comes down to is finding the positives, no matter how big or how small, within the negatives.  Here’s an example; I am grateful for the hard times I experienced during active addiction because I learned some very valuable life lessons that I don’t believe I would have learned any other way.  Hitting my rock-bottom was the most difficult day of my entire life, but I am extremely grateful for hitting it because it marked the beginning of my recovery journey, ultimately changing my life for the better.  I firmly believe that if you look hard enough at almost anything, you can almost always find something good within it.  Don’t get me wrong; there are a few things that are just plain evil and there’s just no getting around them; disregard those for now.  In addiction it can be extremely difficult to find the positive in things when everything around you seems so bleak, but if you continue to consistently practice gratitude over time it often becomes easier.  As stated earlier, gratitude is an acquired strength that can be enhanced with awareness and continued practice.

I believe that an extremely important aspect of gratitude is the ability to find new perspectives on certain things.  In active addiction I was grateful for nothing other than drugs and the money needed to cop more.  To be honest, I can’t remember having gratitude for much of anything even BEFORE my active addiction took full control of my life.  I write this week’s column as a recovering addict with IMMENSE gratitude for so much in my life today; the good AND the bad.   You see, something happens to you when you stare death square in the eyes, and still make it back to tell your side of the story.  Plain and simple, rock-bottom changes people; I can attest to that.  I have so much to be grateful for and I know that today. If I choose to start using alcohol and drugs ever again, all bets are off.  Anything that I was grateful for before I picked up and used suddenly won’t matter much at all anymore.  My family relationships will no longer hold much importance.  My career will no longer be a priority of mine.  Something as simple as my personal hygiene will even lose its significance if I decide to use alcohol and drugs again.  I could go on and on, but I think you get the idea.   

If you’re familiar with my story, you know that I’ve done a lot of dirt and seen a lot of dirt get done as a direct result of my addiction.  Please do not mistake this for bragging because I am in no way bragging; I’m just telling my story like it is.  I watched myself and other addicts do WHATEVER was needed to score that next drink or drug.  It didn’t matter what had to be done, so long as we got our drugs.  Today, my life is so much simpler and boy, oh boy, am I grateful for that!  I make sure that I try to practice gratitude daily, in all sorts of different ways (prayer, gratitude lists, service, etc.).  To be honest, it’s not always easy to do.  If something less than desirable occurs in my daily life now, I pause and try to think back to how I felt during one of my worst days using alcohol and drugs.  By doing so, it usually (keyword USUALLY) helps me realize that whatever I am currently going through, or dealing with in my sobriety is no comparison to anything that I ever experienced in active addiction.  This is the very reason I make sure to never forget the way I was living in my active addiction; I know from experience just how quickly I can end up back in that position if I choose to pick up and use.  I’m grateful that I don’t have to live that animalistic way of life any longer; so long as I continue to stay sober.

Did I mention that I’m truly grateful to be sober today?!?!

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to spread awareness today.

7. The Gifts of Sobriety

Addiction took a lot from me, and it took a lot out of me.  I was robbed of very simple things that I often overlooked or forgot about during my active addiction.  Sobriety, on the other hand, has granted me many of these gifts back (and more), but not without me putting in some good, honest work to change myself. 

I have been clean for three years, two months and some change.  EVERY SINGLE DAY THAT I WAKE UP CLEAN AND SOBER IS A GIFT.  Let me say that again for you… EVERY SINGLE DAY THAT I WAKE UP CLEAN AND SOBER IS A GIFT.  I cannot stress that enough.  It is truly a miracle for any addict to be able to go twenty-four hours without needing to use a substance.  I often joke that the world had to stop turning and the stars had to align perfectly for me to have a fair shot at recovery (a little bit dramatic, but you get the point).  I’m grateful for EVERYTHING that sobriety has gifted me, but none more so than my family, my newfound purpose in life and a “finely tuned moral compass.” 

At some point, my family realized that I was the only one who could make the changes necessary to work towards sobriety.  I was impossible to talk to or interact with.  They became so frustrated and fed up with me, and my poor behavior during my active addiction that they couldn’t watch me sit around and slowly kill myself with alcohol and drugs any longer.  In order to protect themselves, they pulled away from me.   If I had been in their position, I believe that I would have done the same thing.  I barely even noticed they had retreated because my brain and my mind were so clouded from the alcohol and drugs.  Today I can proudly say that I have my family back in my life.  Family has become one of the most important things in my life again.  I never lost their love, that remained constant, and I know that to be true today.  What I lost was their respect, their trust and their confidence in my ability to stay sober.  This wasn’t an immediate gift that was granted as soon as I finally stopped using alcohol and drugs. I had to put some work in on my end to prove that I was worthy of their trust and respect again.  Today my family members are the biggest cheerleaders of my recovery and I’m truly grateful for them.  Only sobriety could have granted this gift back to me. 

Addiction sucked all the purpose out of my life.  Whether it was family, friends, hobbies, careers, etc. - all nowhere to be found when the alcohol and drugs took full control of my life.  My only purpose in active addiction was to get that next high; no matter what, no matter how.  That was it.  That’s no way for anyone to live; completely purposeless.  This too wasn’t immediately gifted to me when I finally put the alcohol and drugs down.  I had to put some effort in on my end to find a purpose - MY purpose, in life again.  Today I can report that I fully believe I have found a purpose in my life again.  My newfound purpose is to simply try to help others avoid making the same poor decisions that I made.  In active addiction my purpose in life is meaningless.  Just a constant rat race to get that next fix.  Sobriety has gifted me a newfound purpose in life, and for that I am eternally grateful.

While in active addiction, all bets were off.  I would do WHATEVER I needed to do in order to score money and drugs.  I didn’t care what others thought about my actions while I was caught in the grips of addiction.  Plain and simple; I sold pills for years to support my massive Xanax habit.  I didn’t consider what was in the pills that I so recklessly sold to others.  If it lined my pockets, I was happy.  I never once thought about the people I was selling drugs to or how I might be negatively affecting their life by doing so.  I only ever did favors for others as a way of getting something I wanted in return.  I always had an ulterior motive.  Today, as an addict in recovery, it’s very simple; I just do the next right thing in life.  Whether it be something as small as holding a door for someone or something bigger like returning a lost wallet with money in it, I do these things because it’s simply the right thing to do.  Addiction stole the morals that were instilled in me from a young age and if I choose to pick up and use alcohol and drugs again, you can bet your bottom dollar that my morals are one of the first things to go out the window.  I’m truly grateful for sobriety and how it has allowed me to establish morals in my life again.

As I stated earlier, every single day that I wake up clean and sober is a gift.  Addiction robbed me of so much.  I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy, and I sincerely mean it when I say that.  I’m very grateful for my sobriety.  Over the past three years it has graciously gifted me back things that I didn’t even realize addiction had snatched from me. 

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to help spread awareness today.

6. Consequences to Your Actions

I’ve faced consequences my entire life, but it wasn’t until the consequences of my actions became so severe that I finally became open and willing to the idea of changing my ways. As a child growing up, my parents always punished me when they felt it was needed and I absolutely HATED it.  I thought I had the most strictt, unfair parents in the entire world when actually they weren’t that bad (hindsight is 20/20).  I would get so angry when there were consequences to my actions and this would become a common theme in my life for years to follow; BOO-HOO POOR ME, THE ENTIRE WORLD IS AGAINST ME, etc. 

Today, as a thirty-one-year-old in recovery from substance abuse disorders, I now realize just how important consequences are, when necessary.  Consequences are designed to “hurt,” they are not meant to be enjoyable.  This is based on the idea that until the consequences of your actions become so severe you will continue to engage in less than desirable behaviors.  Otherwise, what’s the point in changing?

Legal consequences were the only consequences I consciously feared while in active addiction.  I thought that if I wasn’t in handcuffs or in jail, I was doing just fine.  The time came, as it often does, when my luck ran out and once the dust settled, I had to face the music and pay for my actions.  I dodged legal consequences for a very, very long time while in active addiction.  I actually prided myself on that (INSANITY).  By dodging legal consequences for so long, I eventually developed this feeling of invincibility to ANY consequences, which is a very dangerous mindset for an addict.

Consequences are not always immediate.  Believe it or not, the worst consequences I ever had to deal with weren’t legal consequences handed down by any judge.  Early in my recovery my ninety-five-year-old grandmother’s health began to decline.  Around the same time, I had two open court cases from two separate arrests. I eventually entered a drug treatment court program as an alternative to incarceration.  There were many terms that I was required to abide by while in the program, otherwise I’d be sent back to jail.   One of the terms required that I be granted permission to enter a different state for an extended period by my counselors AND the judge.  My situation was very messy at the time, and they weren’t confident in my ability to stay clean (rightfully so, I had already proven that I was a chronic relapser).  CONSEQUENTLY, I was not granted permission to leave the state and my grandmother passed away soon after, surrounded by other loving family members.  I never got to see my grandmother before she died.  To this day I carry a huge amount of guilt with me for not being able to be there.  I believe that there was a reason I wasn’t there for her passing and it's because I wasn’t ready to handle that situation (at the time).  I never thought that I wouldn’t be able to see my grandmother one last time because not once did I consider these types of consequences while using; I sure wish I did though, because maybe things would have been different and I would have been able to be there.

I strongly urge children, teenagers and young adults (hell, adults too) to always think before you act and always consider the possible consequences of your actions.

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to help spread awareness today.

5. Cravings & Triggers

Let's talk about cravings and what may trigger them this week, shall we?!

A craving is a desire to use alcohol and/or drugs and can be experienced as thoughts/ memories, and/or physical sensations (sweaty palms, pounding heart, upset stomach, etc.). The intensity of cravings varies; they can be extremely mild, extremely strong, or anywhere in between.  An average craving only lasts for about fifteen/twenty minutes so if you don’t act on it, it will eventually pass!  I like to think of cravings as ocean waves because of the way they come and go, some being stronger than others.

A trigger is something, anything that causes a craving.  Anything associated with drug use or addiction can potentially be a trigger for an addict.  Triggers are external, internal, and situational.  External triggers consist of any people, places or things that may cause cravings.  Internal triggers are emotions, feelings and/or thoughts/memories that may cause cravings to use alcohol and/or drugs. Finally, situational triggers are social situations that may cause cravings for the addict. Literally anything an addict may encounter in their daily life can be a potential trigger.  If they are not successful at identifying what their own triggers are, they are ultimately at a much greater risk to relapse.

External triggers consist of people, places and/or things that cause cravings to use alcohol and/or drugs.  You’ll often hear recovering addicts that have a substantial amount of clean time under their belt suggest to addicts in early recovery that they avoid the people they used with, the places where they used and the things they used or used with.  Now it’s much easier said than done, but the idea behind it is valid.  I had many external triggers as I was first beginning my recovery journey.  At first, gas stations, where I purchased most of my alcohol during my addiction, were a HUGE trigger for me so I had to avoid going into them for well over a year.  I would either pay at the pump or avoid the gas station all together.  Until I felt comfortable enough that I could manage those cravings that were triggered from me entering a gas station, I simply stayed away.

Internal triggers are emotions, feelings and/or thoughts/memories that cause cravings to use alcohol and/or drugs.  These types of triggers can be more difficult to identify being that they aren’t visible, as they occur within the addict.  Anger has always been one of my main internal triggers.  For many years in active addiction, I would simply use drugs to “cope” with my feelings of anger.  Today as feelings of anger present themselves in my life, I am much better prepared to deal with them, soberly!

Finally, we have situational triggers.  These are just what they sound like; uncomfortable/unwelcomed situations or events that cause cravings to use alcohol and/or drugs.  To this very day, someone close to me passing away causes extremely strong cravings to use.  For the longest time I thought using drugs was the only possible way to deal with the death of friends and/or loved ones.

As an addict, I hate feeling uncomfortable.  That’s a huge reason I used alcohol and drugs in the first place.  As I continue my recovery journey, I am constantly adapting new techniques and finding new ways to appropriately deal with my triggers and the cravings they produce.  I can tell you with 100% certainty that using alcohol and/or drugs is NEVER the answer to ANY problem.  It is a temporary fix that will only makes things worse in the long run.  Trust me on this one.

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to help spread awareness today.

4. My Rock-Bottom

In last week’s column I explained the irony in the beauty of an addict hitting rock-bottom.  What better way to follow that up than with a personal recount of my last rock-bottom?  I remember my bottom very well.  I’m terrified at even the thought of going back.  With that being said, I am also extremely grateful for my rock-bottom and the way it helped “break” me down (physically, emotionally, and spiritually) to a place where I was finally willing to put in the honest work that’s required to achieve long term sobriety.  Like many other addicts, my rock-bottom saved my life.  

In December of 2018 I was arrested (again) after wrecking my car (again) while under the influence of a combination of alcohol, marijuana and Xanax.  I also had 350 Xanax pills in my possession, packaged and ready for sale.  I was arrested, processed that night and released from the police station early the next morning.  They charged me with a felony, six misdemeanors and several violations.  I immediately entered a local detox center later that day.  I had already been through this so many times before: the arrests, the detoxes, the rehabs, the court mandated programs, etc.   

Two days into the detox process, I had a seizure while in the bathroom as a result of withdrawals from alcohol and Xanax.  When I fell, I slammed my head against the porcelain toilet.  I don’t remember too much but when I finally came to, I was surrounded by nurses and doctors shining flashlights in my eyes and talking amongst themselves.  A few more moments passed when I realized that something was different.  Something was very wrong.  As I went to stand myself up, I realized that I no longer had mobility in my legs.  I was trying with everything I had in me to stand up, but all that I could do was move my upper body.  My legs were dead weight.  When doctors lightly pinched my legs, I could feel them doing it.  I just couldn’t get them to move.  Doctors went on to run many tests while they grasped at straws trying to figure out what was wrong with my legs.  They concluded that when I fell and hit my head against the toilet, the “connection” from my brain to my lower body was disrupted, affecting the mobility of my legs.  They ultimately diagnosed me with temporary paralysis.  What should have been a 4-5 day stay in detox turned into over a month long stay in the hospital where I had to relearn how to walk with the help of doctors, nurses and physical therapists. 

I remember sitting in my hospital room a few days after my fall, at the young age of twenty-seven years old, wondering if I’d ever walk again. Doctors wondered the same thing.  To say this was a very dark and difficult time for me is an understatement.  This rock-bottom was different from the many others I had hit in the past because for the first-time in my life, a legitimate feeling of fear was instilled in me when my legs became immobile, and I wasn’t sure if I’d ever walk again.  I now have absolutely no doubt in my mind that had I not had that traumatic experience, I would have left that detox, gone back to using drugs and would eventually hit a new rock-bottom (if I was lucky enough), or even worse, the ultimate rock-bottom… DEATH.  Thankfully, that’s not how it went.   

It’s been over three years since my fall in that hospital bathroom and I still thank my higher power daily for allowing me to hit that rock-bottom. It saved my life.

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to help spread awareness today.

3. The Beauty of Hitting Rock-Bottom

I remember sitting in the first group of my first rehab, fresh off a BRUTAL seven-day detox, and some other patients kept making references to “rock-bottom.”  At the time, I didn’t think much of it.  As I spent more time in that rehab, I learned that “rock-bottom” is a concept used to refer to an addicts’ lowest point in their addiction. It is often a crisis event that leads an addict to realize that they have lost control over their drug or alcohol use.  It’s a point so low, a pain so deep, that the addict finally becomes willing to do the work to get sober and recover from their addiction(s).  Hitting rock-bottom is unique to the addict, meaning one addict’s rock-bottom may look far different from another’s.

As I lay in bed later that night in rehab, I was so sure that I had finally hit my rock-bottom and that it was all going to be uphill from that moment on.  Boy was I wrong.  I hadn’t even begun to scratch the surface of what hitting rock-bottom was going to entail.  Like so many other addicts, I possess this unique ability of locating “trap-doors” in my rock-bottom by continuing to use alcohol and drugs.  As an addict, I “specialize” in finding new ways and means of inflicting pain (physical and/or emotional) and suffering upon myself.

An addict hitting rock-bottom is often a very dark and/or painful experience for everyone involved.  Remember from earlier that we consider rock-bottom to be an “absolute low-point of one’s addiction.”  Now, while rock-bottom may initially be perceived as this dark and/or painful experience, there may come a point in time where we begin viewing this same exact event of hitting rock-bottom as something that is also, ironically, very beautiful; an addict beginning their journey of recovery.

I know, it’s a lot to unpack at once, but try and stay with me....

Rock-bottom is the point in an addict’s addiction where the pain (physical and/or emotional) becomes so unbearable that it sparks a positive change to occur, that being newfound sobriety.  So, what we initially considered to be the very darkest, most ugly time for an addict may eventually be viewed as something truly beautiful being that it helped save the addict from the ultimate rock-bottom… DEATH. 

I want to conclude this week’s column with a quote from J.K. Rowling, the New York Times best-selling author of the Harry Potter book series.  She was recounting hitting a rock-bottom of her own when she so perfectly captured the irony in the beauty of hitting rock-bottom.  She said, “and so, rock-bottom became the solid foundation on which I re-built my life.”  

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to spread awareness today.

2. Pathways to Recovery

The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Service Administration (SAMHSA) defines addictions/substance use disorders as occurring “when the recurrent use of alcohol and/or drugs causes clinically and functionally significant impairment, such as health problems, disability, and failure to meet major responsibilities at work, school or home.” SAMSHA’s working definition of recovery from substance use disorders is, “a dynamic process of change through which addicted individuals improve their health and wellness, live a self-directed life and strive to reach their full potential.” 

There is no set “blueprint” that can be used for helping all addicts/alcoholics successfully achieve long-term recovery from their addictions.  Recovery is unique to the individual; it differs on a case-by-case basis. In this week’s column, I’d like to focus on two different pathways to recovery: clinical pathways and non-clinical pathways.

Clinical pathways are recovery processes that are aided by the services of a healthcare provider, clinician, therapist or other credentialed professional.

Non-clinical pathways are recovery processes that do not use healthcare professionals or medicine.  These pathways are often community-based and peer-supported. 

The majority of recovering addicts that I personally know (it’s a lot) used a clinical pathway to begin their recovery journey from their addiction(s).  The most common clinical pathway to recovery often entails an addict attending a medical detox center where medical professionals perform what is referred to as a “medically assisted detox” where doctors, nurses and other trained medical professionals administer certain medications to help ease the discomforts of drug withdrawals.  The detox process generally takes anywhere from 2-7 days depending on the type of drug(s), how much and how often the addict is using.  After completing the detox process, addicts usually enter either a short-term or a long-term rehabilitation center/program.  A short-term rehab can last anywhere from 7-28 days (often comes down to money available and/or insurance policies, but I’ll save that for another day).  A long-term rehab can last anywhere from a couple of months to even years long.  During an addict’s stay in rehab, they are required to attend daily groups and meetings with other patients.  These groups are often led by trained professionals, nurses, clinicians and/or therapists with the common goal of helping addicts better understand their addictions while also helping equip them with basic life skills and coping mechanisms to help lead a more functional life, without the use of illicit mind or mood-altering substances.  There are other, different, clinical pathways to recovery.  My example is just one very common (and condensed) example of an addict using a clinical pathway to begin their recovery journey. 

Other recovering addicts that I personally know used a non-clinical pathway to begin their long-term recovery from their addiction(s).  They were able to stop using drugs without the use of a medical institution, medicine, medical professional, trained clinician or credentialed therapist. Some of the most common non-clinical pathways to recovery often involves routine attendance to community-based, peer-supported, self-help groups.  Some of these groups can include, but are not limited to, Narcotics Anonymous (NA), Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), Gamblers Anonymous or Sexaholics Anonymous.  These self-help groups often follow a twelve-step process that was first formulated by other addicts and alcoholics back in 1938.  Self-help groups are a place where addicts can safely share with each other their experiences while using drugs, experiences while getting sober and (if applicable) experiences while in sustained long-term recovery from their addiction(s).  

At the end of the day, only the addict himself/herself can choose which pathway to recovery they feel will be best suited in helping them to begin their recovery journey from their addiction(s).  Whether an addict uses a clinical pathway to recovery or a non-clinical pathway to recovery, the end goal of each remains the same; To help the addict recover from their addiction(s).

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to spread awareness today.

1. A Little Bit About Me

My name is Kyle Borisewich, I’m thirty-two years old and have been a lifelong resident of Goshen, New York.  I have struggled with substance abuse disorder since the age of fourteen years old.  I made a lot of poor choices during my addiction… and I mean A LOT.  I’ve hit rock bottom more times than I can count.  My journey is one filled with anger, disappointment, depression, lies, deceit, relapse, and pain (both emotional and physical).  I’ve attended several rehabs, been arrested, and jailed all as a direct result of using drugs and alcohol.  December 28, 2019, is the last time I used a mood or mind-altering substance.  That’s just over three years.  For a kid who couldn’t find a way to make it through the hour without using some sort of substance, three years feels like an eternity.  Since getting clean and beginning to turn my life around, I have been very open about my struggles while in active addiction and my milestones while chasing recovery; the good, the bad, and everything in between.  I am simply trying to help someone else who may struggle with an addiction or someone who may have a loved one that struggles with an addiction. If I can keep just one person from traveling down the dark road that I did, then being vulnerable and sharing my story is all worth it. 

I have been asked by my hometown’s local newspaper, The Independent Republican, to write a weekly column on something related to mental health, addiction, and/or recovery and I’m ecstatic to do so! I’m extremely passionate about spreading awareness on substance abuse.  I’m not here to bore you with stats or teach parents where to look in a child’s bedroom for possible drugs.  I simply want to help educate others through my own personal experiences with addiction and recovery.  Some of the things I touch upon in this column may be very difficult to read, but the current drug epidemic doesn’t care about that.  We, as a community, can’t tiptoe around these issues any longer or we will continue to bury children AND adults who lose their battle to addiction at an alarming rate.

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to help spread awareness today.