47. The Beginning of the End

On December 14, 2019, I found myself entangled in a regrettable incident that now stands as my last criminal encounter with law enforcement.  The details of that night are somewhat hazy due to a deadly combination of Xanax and beer consumption throughout the day.  I had gotten into a car wreck somewhere on Route 207, nestled between Goshen and Campbell Hall.  In the immediate aftermath of the collision, panic set in.  In possession of around 300 Xanax pills and other assorted medications (that were not prescribed to me), I faced a dilemma that was exacerbated by the sudden appearance of a good Samaritan who had stopped to check on my well-being.  I insisted that all was fine.  I gestured a quick thumbs up and motioned for her to depart, mindful of the impending legal repercussions.  My car was wrapped around a telephone pole, and I was giving this lady a thumbs-up as if everything was fine… INSANITY.  It was a cold, rainy evening.  My attempt to dissolve my stash of drugs in a large puddle near the crash site was unsuccessful.  My thinking was totally clouded by the alcohol and drugs, and I stupidly didn’t take the pills out of the bags they were in, so they just floated on top of the puddle; much like a rubber duck floats in a bathtub full of water. For those unfamiliar with the area, Route 207 is a narrow road with a 55-mph speed limit and a State Trooper Barrack that looms just two miles away.  The ominous "whoop whoop" sound of approaching police cars confirmed the severity of my predicament and minutes later, multiple State Troopers arrived at the scene.

The interrogation unfolded swiftly as the police officers inquired into my activities that fateful night, probing about any alcohol consumption. One officer claimed to detect the unmistakable scent of alcohol on my breath, leaving me with my back against the wall.  I decided honesty might be my best option—though it was a selective truth.  Confessing to a mere two beers earlier in the evening, I conveniently omitted the six or seven additional beers I had consumed.  The next thing I remember is being in a police station, my memory failing to capture the journey there.  My pants were soaking wet from the rain and my unsuccessful attempt at hiding my stash of pills in the gulley puddle.  With one hand uncomfortably restrained to a bench with a pair of handcuffs, I remember shivering like crazy.  I asked the officers when they were going to take me to jail, anticipating the prospect of dry clothes. Astonishingly, the officer informed me that I was going to be released on my recognizance with a scheduled court date, sparing me the anticipated incarceration.  I guess I should mention that I was already a participant in drug treatment court, an alternative to incarceration, a consequence of a similar arrest six months prior that had led to a brief jail term.  Participants in drug court, bound by a strict contract, were prohibited from any arrest.  This stipulation mandated immediate reporting to our drug court counselor in the event of any police contact at all.  My crash was on Friday night, so I knew I had a weekend before getting into contact with my counselor was going to be possible.  I found myself released from the police station around five o'clock the next morning.  Stranded without a car due to the wreckage, I phoned a close friend for a ride home. Emerging from the police station, soaked and chilled to the bone, anxiety gnawed at me as the uncertain future loomed ahead.

Unbeknownst to me at the time, that arrest served as the catalyst for a profound turning point in my life.  Little did I realize that without that pivotal moment, my trajectory might have been drastically different, more than likely ending with premature death.  Exiting the police station, I braced myself for the storm awaiting me at home—anger and disappointment hanging in the air like a dark cloud. Once inside, I hopped in a warm shower and fell asleep shortly afterward. Upon awakening, I packed a bag full of clothes and prepared myself for another trip to yet another detox facility.  At this point, I found myself unprepared to embark on the journey to sobriety.  Doubt lingered, casting shadows on my belief in the possibility of achieving and maintaining a clean lifestyle.  Despite my initial skepticism, I acknowledged the profound disappointment and anger I had caused my family and wanted to try to begin fixing that to the best of my ability.  I didn’t have the slightest idea of what was in store for me in the coming days.  I entered the detox facility with the expectation of a brief stay, anticipating three to four days at most to cleanse the alcohol and drugs from my system.  If my time there had indeed been that short, I doubt I would be penning these words today.  Life often unfolds in mysterious ways.

Join me for the continuation of this journey in part two next week… and remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to help spread awareness today.

46. Journals from Rehab - Part 3

Journaling is an integral component of substance abuse rehabilitation programs for various reasons.  It provides a private space for self-reflection, allowing individuals to explore their thoughts, emotions, and behaviors, gaining insight into the underlying issues contributing to their substance abuse.  The act of journaling serves as a healthy outlet for expressing emotions, helping individuals address underlying emotional issues that may be linked to their addiction.  Through the process of writing, individuals can identify triggers, such as specific people or situations, and develop self-awareness crucial for developing effective coping strategies and avoiding relapse.  Journaling also facilitates goal setting, helping individuals clarify and track their short-term and long-term goals in the recovery process.  It serves as a documentation of progress, allowing individuals to recognize and celebrate personal growth and achievements.  Additionally, writing can be a therapeutic tool, offering a cathartic process for releasing emotions, reducing stress, and gaining control over thoughts and feelings.

As I sat in my bedroom, surrounded by the muted colors of the rehab facility, I found solace in the blank pages of my journal.  Each entry felt like a huge weight off my back and a huge step towards reclaiming a part of myself that I had lost to the clutches of addiction.  Today, these entries are a mosaic of emotions—raw and unfiltered.  I confronted the wreckage left in the wake of my substance abuse, tracing the path that led me to this point.  The entries document my fears, regrets, and the tentative sparks of hope that flicker within me.  I explored the gritty details of my past, exposing vulnerabilities that fueled my addiction. Journaling slowly became a therapeutic release, a testament to the courage it takes to face the demons within.  There's a peculiar comfort in the act of journaling.  It’s refreshing to acknowledge the patterns that held me captive for well over ten years.

As the days in rehab unfolded, my journal became a roadmap of progress.  I celebrated the small victories—days of sobriety, moments of clarity, and the genuine connections formed with others on the same path.  It's a testament to resilience, a reminder that recovery is not a linear journey but rather a collection of uphill battles.  The journal entries carry the weight of my story, offering a testament to the transformative power of healing.  I wish to emphasize to my readers that these journal entries remain entirely unaltered.  They were all penned during the immediate aftermath of my substance use and detoxification process.  During that time, my thoughts were hazy, and my writing lacked the clarity it possesses today.  I'm offering you these journals in their unadulterated form, just as they were originally penned.

“If I’m being completely honest, I don’t want to get clean.  I’m here because I don’t want to go to jail.  If I didn’t get admitted into rehab, Judge Brockett would have put out a warrant for my arrest and I’d be sitting in a cold jail cell right now.  I guess rehab is the better of my two options. I don’t feel like these groups do much of anything for me.  It’s my fourth time in this specific rehab over the course of 2-3 years and not much has changed.  The only thing that has changed is my criminal record.  Doing these arts and crafts, watching these educational videos, and participating in groups sucks.  I’m not sure there’s much hope for me when I finally leave here.  Nothing has changed the past four times, what will change now?  I miss home.  I miss my family.  I miss my friends.  I miss my dog.”

“Today, I was sitting in my bedroom with my roommate in rehab.  We were talking and he said something that really hit home for me.  We were discussing our pasts.  He is quite a bit older than me, forty-two years to be exact, but we have so much in common.  He looked me square in the eyes and he said “Kyle, I really hope you get a hold on your addiction because you don’t want to be my age, sitting here in rehab trying to pick up the pieces of your past.”  And he’s right.  I really don’t want to be pushing seventy years old sitting in rehab.  At night we need to be in our bedroom by 9:00 PM.  My roommate and I often chat a bit before falling asleep.  He’s lost everything.  His kids won’t talk to him, he’s broke, he’s got no job, and he’s homeless, but you would never guess that sitting here next to him.  I really need to get a hold of my life and figure this out before I wake up in forty years in another rehab facility.  Although it seems like I’ve lost everything, I haven’t.  I still have my family, I still have my friends, and I have another shot to get this right and turn my life around.  I really hope I get it this time.”

“From a very young age, I have had anxiety that was left untreated.  That was no one’s fault but my own because I rarely ever spoke about it.  As I grew older, I channeled my anxiety into anger.  I have an anger problem.  There’s no doubt about it.  I say cruel things that I know will hurt others.  I don’t mean it at the time but it’s like I have no control over it when it’s happening.  There are so many different things that I need to address when I leave here.  My anger, my anxiety, my depression, and the list goes on.  I just want a normal life.  I want to wake up, go to work, come home to a family, and be normal.   My family and friends are thriving in life and here I am sitting in rehab with nothing to my name.  I’m willing to do whatever it takes to get better.  I’m not sure I was completely willing in the past.  I think I am now.  I hope I am now.  I need to get out of New York because I don’t think I can get clean here.  It’s just so hard when everything around me reminds me of using.”

As I conclude my current series of journal entries, I acknowledge that the content may carry a somber tone.  Despite the heaviness of these reflections, I believe it is crucial to share them, recognizing their significance in providing a distinctive insight into my thought processes during this particular juncture of my life.  Transparency in sharing these moments, even if they lean towards the somber, allows for a genuine and unfiltered glimpse into my experiences, fostering understanding and connection.

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to help spread awareness today.

45. Journals from Rehab - Part 2

One of the integral components of many rehabilitation programs is the practice of journaling. Journaling involves the regular recording of thoughts, emotions, and experiences.  It provides individuals in substance abuse rehabilitation with a structured means of self-reflection.  Writing about personal experiences and emotions allows individuals to gain insight into the underlying causes of their addiction.  Through the process of introspection, individuals can identify patterns of behavior, triggers, and emotional stressors that contribute to their substance abuse.

Addiction often coexists with a range of complex emotions, such as guilt, shame, anger, and anxiety. Journaling serves as a safe outlet for individuals to express and explore these emotions.  By putting their feelings into words, individuals can process and make sense of their emotional experiences. This process not only aids emotional regulation but also facilitates healthier coping mechanisms, reducing the reliance on substances as a means of escape or numbing.

Understanding the circumstances that trigger substance abuse is crucial for relapse prevention. Journaling provides a platform for individuals to identify and analyze triggers and high-risk situations that may lead to cravings or setbacks.  By documenting these instances, individuals, along with their therapists, can develop strategies to cope effectively with challenges and build resilience.

Journaling compliments traditional therapeutic approaches by fostering improved communication between individuals in rehabilitation and their therapists.  The written record of thoughts and experiences allows therapists to gain deeper insights into the individual's mindset and tailor interventions accordingly.  This enhanced communication often promotes a more personalized and effective treatment plan.

In the tranquil and rather somber setting of a rehabilitation center, amidst the process of healing and self-discovery, I found solace and empowerment through the practice of journaling.  Each day became a chapter in my journey to sobriety, as I picked up a pen and poured my thoughts onto the pages of a notebook.  Journaling became a therapeutic outlet, allowing me to untangle the web of emotions, triggers, and future aspirations.  The penned pages serve as a canvas for reflection, offering a safe space to confront the past, acknowledge the present, and envision a future free from the shackles of addiction. As I meticulously documented my triumphs and setbacks, journaling proved to be a very, very powerful tool for self-awareness and accountability.  It was in these quiet moments of introspection that I discovered the strength within myself to rewrite my narrative, one heartfelt entry at a time.

I regret not bringing this up last week; it slipped my mind.  I wish to emphasize to my readers that these journal entries remain entirely unaltered.  They were all penned during the immediate aftermath of my substance use and detoxification process.  During that time, my thoughts were hazy, and my writing lacked the clarity it possesses today.  I'm offering you these journals in their unadulterated form, just as they were originally penned.

“I’ve always tended to gravitate to the wrong types of people.  I have always been attracted to the kids who caused trouble and generally did not follow the rules.  I liked the kids who “went against the grain.”  This has always been a huge problem for me.  In the past, while in rehab, I always tended to gravitate to the patients who were mandated to treatment by a criminal court and wanted nothing to do with recovery.  There were many times after being released from rehab that I met up with other patients to either buy drugs or sell drugs to them.  Another issue I’ve had is that I always wanted to put up this big tough guy facade.  I wanted to be respected by others for all the wrong reasons.  The truth is that I’m not this big tough guy I make myself out to be.  Acting like this has gotten me nowhere positive in life.  It has dragged me down and is a big reason I am in the position that I am in today.  I don’t think I’ve ever just been myself.  I don’t even know who I am anymore.”

“I’m 29 years old, sitting in the hospital, feeling like this is the end.  Most people my age are excelling in their careers, starting families of their own, buying houses, traveling the world, etc.  Me… well I’m a drug addict with $49.00 to my name.  The only thing else I have is my clothes and my dog.  I own absolutely nothing else.  Since February 2018, when I completed my first rehab stint, I have totaled four different vehicles, wrecked a telephone pole, and rolled my car all while under the influence of drugs and alcohol.  It’s a MIRACLE that I have not killed myself or someone else.  The fact that these situations have not stopped me from continuing to do drugs and drive under the influence is insane. They say the definition of insanity is “doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results each time.  I have been able to put together short spells of sobriety, however, I always go back to what I know best… drinking, drugging, dealing, lying, and manipulating.  I always go back to those things, and it always ends worse.  I’ve tried just using drugs.  I’ve tried not using drugs but just selling drugs and that sure as hell has never worked; like they say, “A monkey can’t sell bananas.”  I have tried just drinking but not drugging.  I’ve tried just drugging and not drinking.  It always ends badly.  ALWAYS.”

“I’ve seen the process of recovery work in so many different people.  I know it is possible.  I know what needs fixing.  I just don’t have the tools to fix it on my own.  I CAN’T DO THIS ALONE; it will not work.  I must keep reminding myself of that in order to stay on the right track.  I must not lose sight of the end goal.  I must never forget how my mother and my sister looked the night they left me in the hospital to detox.  It totally ripped me up and broke my heart.  They deserve so much better than that.”

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to help spread awareness today.

44. Journals from Rehab

I’ve been to rehab many times.  Some more than once.  I’ve gone voluntarily, and at other times, under the mandate of a criminal court.  One rehabilitation facility I attended, over four different times, imposed a daily journaling requirement of fifteen to twenty minutes.  Initially resistant to this requirement, I struggled to find meaning in chronicling what I deemed a life completely devastated by addiction.  I honestly felt that I never had anything worth journaling about.  At the time, I couldn't grasp the significance of putting pen to paper.  As an addict, my life up to that point had been a series of (self-inflicted) letdowns and setbacks, a stark contrast to the successes my loved ones and friends were experiencing—career advancements, marriages, home purchases, and the joy of starting families.  They were experiencing all these amazing milestones in life, and I was sitting in a rehab writing a dumb journal entry about how messed up my life had become as a direct result of my addiction.  The act of journaling felt like an unwarranted pause in a world that was steadily moving forward without me. The counselors reviewed our journals weekly, prompting us to delve deeper into our reflections.  They strongly advised us to retain these journals, even after completing the rehab program, asserting that revisiting them could aid in our recovery—a notion that initially dumbfounded me.  Why would I want to stay stuck in this cycle of self-destruction?  But I was so desperate, and in so much pain, that I decided to listen to the counselors for a change.  Nothing I had tried up to this moment was working for me.  Desperate, I took their advice and preserved the journals, stowing them away in the back of my closet, where they remained forgotten for years.  I unexpectedly discovered these long-neglected entries during one of my routine end-of-year closet purges.  Intrigued, I embarked on a journey through the pages of my past, revisiting the depths of my struggles, regrets, and pain. 

It was at that very moment that the counselors' wisdom became crystal clear to me.  The journals serve as a poignant record of my darkest moments, a vivid testament to the consequences of my addiction.  Instead of them being a burden, which I initially thought they were, they suddenly became a necessary element of my recovery—a vivid reminder of where I had been and how far I had come since then.  These journals “keep it green” for me in my recovery.  "Keeping it green" is a phrase commonly used in 12-step programs like Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) or Narcotics Anonymous (NA).  It essentially means staying vigilant and focused on one's recovery, continuously practicing the principles and behaviors that contribute to a healthy and sober life.  It emphasizes the ongoing effort needed to maintain sobriety, even when faced with challenges or temptations. These journals, now cherished relics, embody my commitment to continuous personal growth and renewal, reinforcing the idea of ongoing personal development and positive change in recovery from substance abuse.  This reflection on the therapeutic power of journaling serves as a testament to the unexpected value hidden within the pages of one's past.  The act of revisiting these journals may be uncomfortable, but it is undeniably essential for maintaining and thriving in my recovery.  In the upcoming weeks, I plan to offer readers a series of journal entries, providing them with a glimpse into my thoughts and emotions during one of the most challenging periods of my life.  Here are two journals to kick this off!

“My parents did their very best with me.  Where I'm at today, and where I’ve been the past 10+ years has ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with anything they did.  My parents told me from a very early age that I should not do drugs.  They also made it very clear of the possible consequences that come with drug use.  My father being an alcoholic and dope addict was a perfect example of why I should not do drugs.  It has taken me over ten years to realize the destruction my addiction has caused.  I am slowly killing my mom.  I can literally see the change in her appearance because of my actions.  I know for a fact that if I die because of this disease, a large part of my mom will die too.  I also believe that if I were to pass from this disease a part of my mom would be relieved.  I never meant to hurt anyone.  It tears me apart as I sit here and realize the extent of my actions.  *I LOVE MY FAMILY MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF* My actions say differently.  I still have so many people in my corner, even after putting them through hell time and time again.  For that, I am eternally grateful.   I want to prove to them that I can do this.  I want to prove to them that I can beat this disease.  I want to prove to them that I can be a productive member of society.  *INTEGRITY* I have none at the moment.”

“I’ve watched ten years of my life pass me by.  At the age of 29, I have almost nothing to my name.  My entire life has been consumed with drinking, drugging, selling drugs, lying, stealing… and the list goes on.  I feel hopeless.  I feel like there is no purpose to my life, I have no direction.  I need to find something that will give my life some purpose.  I can’t keep using and selling drugs.  I will, without a doubt, either die or end up in prison.  If I continue living like this, I will lose my family and without family I have NOTHING.  Money, cars, and toys don’t matter at the end of the day if I don’t have my family.  I need to reevaluate my priorities.”

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to help spread awareness today.

43. Being Thankful for Things We Often Overlook

In the hustle and bustle of our daily lives, it's easy to get caught up in the whirlwind of responsibilities, ambitions, and everyday challenges.  However, amid the chaos, there exists a profound truth that often eludes us until circumstances bring it into sharp focus: the importance of being thankful. Being thankful is not meant to be just a fleeting emotion reserved for special occasions; it is a powerful tool we can use to perceive the richness of our lives.  Sometimes, it takes encountering others who have much less to make us truly appreciate the blessings we often take for granted.

In pursuit of our goals and aspirations, we may become so consumed with what we lack that we overlook the abundance surrounding us.  It's not uncommon to forget the privilege embedded in our lives—simple yet profound aspects like a stable home, access to education, a support system of friends and family, a career, clothing, hot meals, etc.  These are the foundations of a well-lived life, and yet, their significance often remains hidden until we encounter someone less fortunate, without any of those blessings.  I’ll be the first one to admit that I have been guilty of this in the past.  Growing up, I never wanted for anything.  A secure roof over my head, meals on the table, clothes on my back—these were all constants in my life.  However, in all honesty, I cannot claim to have truly appreciated these gifts during my childhood and early adulthood.  Instead, I endlessly yearned for something more, unaware of the wealth of privileges I possessed. 

It wasn’t until my first stint in rehab that I began to truly grasp the concept of being thankful.  It took me being surrounded by people with nothing more than the clothes on their backs to truly cherish everything I’ve been blessed with throughout my life.  When we encounter individuals who lack the privileges that we consider to be ordinary, it serves as a poignant wake-up call.  Perhaps it's a chance encounter with a person experiencing homelessness, a visit to an underprivileged community, or a conversation with someone facing adversity.  These experiences shed light on the stark differences that exist and force us to reflect on our own circumstances.  Suddenly, the roof over our heads and the warm meals on our tables take on a new significance.

My friend with the tattoos on his face that I wrote about in a past column played a pivotal role in deepening my appreciation for the blessings in my own life.  When he arrived in this country, he brought with him nothing more than his son, his girlfriend, and the clothes on their backs—no exaggeration.  The thought of starting anew in a foreign land with absolutely nothing is unimaginable to me.  Encounters with individuals like him, who possess substantially less, serve as a catalyst for a profound shift in perspective.  This isn't about fostering guilt or making comparisons; rather, it's about recognizing the inherent value in our daily lives.  Gratitude transcends a mere checklist of possessions; it embodies a deep appreciation for the intangible elements that give life its true meaning.  A loving relationship, good health, and the freedom to pursue our passions are often underestimated until we witness their absence in the lives of others.  It's through these encounters that we gain a deeper understanding of the richness that exists far beyond material possessions.

Conversations with those who have less also offer valuable lessons in resilience.  Witnessing the strength and determination of individuals facing adversity with grace and courage instills a sense of humility.  It prompts us to reevaluate our own response to challenges and difficulties, encouraging us to face life's obstacles with a newfound appreciation for our capacity to overcome them.  I have the utmost respect for my tattooed friend.  Our connection began simply, as I responded to his call for assistance by delivering donations—clothes, books, and food.  What unfolded in our conversations revealed a profound depth of gratitude in him.  Whether I dropped off six bags of donated clothes or a package of toothbrushes, his appreciation remained unwavering.  Engaging with him regularly has left a lasting mark on me.  It has served as a grounding force, a constant reminder of the significance and need for gratitude in my everyday life.  This friendship has become a source of genuine impact, shaping my perspective, and fostering a deeper understanding of the importance of appreciation.  I am truly thankful for the meaningful connection I share with him.

As we cultivate gratitude, its impact extends beyond our individual lives.  Expressing thankfulness often creates a ripple effect, fostering a culture of compassion and kindness.  When we are grateful for the opportunities and privileges we enjoy, we are more likely to extend a helping hand to those who need it.  Acts of generosity, whether big or small, contribute to the betterment of our communities.

Recognizing the blessings in our lives and expressing gratitude is a conscious effort.  It involves taking stock of our daily experiences, acknowledging the positive aspects, and learning from the challenges.  Practices like keeping a gratitude journal, where we regularly record the things we are thankful for, can be instrumental in fostering a mindset of appreciation.  The journey towards gratitude often takes unexpected turns.  Meeting individuals who have less than we have acts as a powerful catalyst, unveiling the blessings we may have once overlooked.  It teaches us that being thankful is not just a sentiment but rather a transformative perspective that enriches our lives and those around us.  As we reflect on the profound impact of being thankful, let us strive to cultivate this mindset daily, appreciating the richness of our lives and contributing to a world where everyone has the opportunity to thrive.

I hope all my readers have a very Happy and healthy holiday!  I’m truly grateful for every single one of you.

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to help spread awareness today.

42. Enabling in Substance Abuse Disorders

As substance abuse disorders continue to pose a significant public health challenge, affecting millions of individuals worldwide, there is often one overlooked aspect of these disorders.  It is the role of enabling behaviors, where well-intentioned actions inadvertently contribute to the continuation of the addictive cycle.  Understanding and addressing enabling is crucial for designing effective intervention strategies and promoting lasting recovery.

Enabling in the context of substance abuse refers to actions or behaviors that, despite being well-intentioned, ultimately contribute to the maintenance of addictive behaviors in an individual. Enablers may include family members, friends, or even healthcare professionals who, consciously or unconsciously, shield the person struggling with substance abuse from the negative consequences of their actions.

Enabling can manifest in various forms, making it a complex issue to address.  Financial support, excusing or minimizing the severity of the problem, and covering up for the individual are common enabling behaviors. Providing shelter, food, or other essentials without requiring accountability for the person's substance use can inadvertently contribute to the continuation of their addictive behaviors.

To effectively address enabling, it is crucial to understand the motivations behind these behaviors. Enablers often act out of love, concern, or a desire to protect the individual from harm.  However, this well-intentioned support can inadvertently reinforce the belief that the consequences of substance abuse are manageable or inconsequential.  Enablers may also fear confrontation or believe that confronting the individual about their substance use will lead to conflict or worsen the situation.  Consequently, they may choose to ignore or downplay the severity of the issue, allowing the individual to continue their destructive behaviors without facing the necessary consequences.

To break the cycle of enabling, education and awareness are essential. Enablers need to understand the dynamics of substance abuse disorders, including the importance of accountability and the negative impact of shielding individuals from consequences.  Education programs can empower families and communities to recognize enabling behaviors and take steps to address them.  While educators play a crucial role, there exists a distinct opportunity when addressing the topic of enabling, particularly in the context of recovery from addiction.  Having individuals who have lived through the experience, walked the walk, and can authentically talk the talk provides a unique perspective.  The conventional methods of teaching, such as reading from a textbook or presenting a PowerPoint, often fall short in delivering a compelling and impactful lesson on the dangers of enabling.  I believe that schools should actively embrace the chance to bring in individuals in recovery, those with significant clean time, to engage with students directly.  This firsthand account, I believe, is a far more effective and relatable approach to connect with children compared to traditional methods like reading from a textbook or relying on PowerPoint presentations.

Effective communication and the establishment of clear boundaries play a pivotal role in addressing enabling behaviors.  It is imperative for families and support networks to acquire the skill of assertively expressing their concerns, steering clear of blame or judgment.  The delicate balance lies in the art of setting and maintaining firm yet compassionate boundaries, creating an environment that not only fosters understanding but also encourages the individual to assume responsibility for their actions.  This task is particularly arduous for parents of addicts, who often grapple with the challenging responsibility of setting and enforcing boundaries as an integral part of the recovery process.  My parents, driven by pure intentions, unwittingly became enablers in my struggle with addiction.  Despite my numerous arrests during that tumultuous period, my initial phone call was always to them.  Despite their evident anger and disappointment, they consistently provided financial assistance, covering expenses like lawyer fees and fines.  This safety net inadvertently allowed me to navigate my addiction with a sense of security.  Looking back, a different approach would have been more beneficial.  They could have compelled me to face my legal problems independently, relying on legal aid instead of securing a prominent lawyer at their expense.  They could have insisted I shoulder the financial burden of my fines or face additional consequences for non-payment.  Their actions stemmed from love, fueled by a belief in my assurances that each incident would be the last.  Hindsight, as they say, is always 20/20.  Although gratitude was absent during my struggle with addiction, I now deeply appreciate the support they offered.

In certain situations, seeking professional intervention is imperative for effectively addressing enabling behaviors.  Mental health professionals, addiction counselors, and support groups stand ready to offer valuable guidance and support, benefiting both individuals struggling with substance abuse disorder and those inadvertently contributing to enabling.  This professional intervention serves as a catalyst, disrupting the cycle of enabling and paving the way toward a sustainable path to recovery.

Supporting individuals struggling with substance abuse requires a delicate balance between compassion and self-care for enablers.  It is essential for those in supportive roles to prioritize their well-being, seek guidance from professionals, and engage in self-care practices.  Understanding the limits of one's ability to help and seeking support when needed are crucial components of breaking the enabling cycle.

Addressing enabling in substance abuse disorders demands a compassionate strategy.  Breaking the enabling cycle calls for a multifaceted approach, encompassing education, open communication, the establishment of boundaries, and, when needed, professional intervention.  The addition of self-care for those inadvertently enabling further enhances the effectiveness of the intervention.  By proactively confronting enabling behaviors, we have the power to cultivate a supportive and accountable environment, fostering sustained recovery for individuals grappling with substance abuse disorders. This comprehensive approach not only recognizes the complexity of the issue but also emphasizes the importance of collective efforts in creating lasting positive change.

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to help spread awareness today.

41. Alcoholics Anonymous AKA “The Big Book”

The book “Alcoholics Anonymous,” often referred to as the "Big Book," is an incredibly influential text that has played a pivotal role in the recovery of countless individuals struggling with alcoholism. Published in 1939, this book serves as a cornerstone of the Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) program, providing guidance, support, and a framework for recovery.  I’ll never forget the first time I cracked open the “Big Book.”  From the moment I began reading it, I was HOOKED.  I was in my first-ever inpatient rehab stint at the time.  We were required to attend mandatory groups throughout the day and in between groups, we were given fifteen-minute breaks.  I found myself eagerly retreating to my room, seizing every fifteen-minute break to immerse myself further into its pages.  I couldn’t get enough of it.  While other patients watched TV or made arts and crafts at night, I stayed cooped up in my room reading.  It took me a little over one day to finish the book from cover to cover. Four days after fully reading the “Big Book,” I read it from cover to cover… again. 

The historical backdrop against which the “Big Book” was written is essential for understanding its significance.  In the early 20th century, alcoholism was often stigmatized and misunderstood.  The “Big Book” emerged as a response to the need for a practical and spiritual approach to sobriety.  It was the result of the collective experiences and insights of early members of AA, most notably Bill Wilson and Dr. Bob Smith, who co-founded the organization in 1935.

The Big Book is structured in a manner that reflects the practical and spiritual components of the AA program.  It is divided into several sections, each of which serves a specific purpose.

The opening section of “Alcoholics Anonymous,” is called “The Doctor’s Opinion.”  Dr. William D. Silkworth provides a crucial medical perspective on alcoholism.  Drawing from his experience as a physician treating alcoholics, Dr. Silkworth describes alcoholism as a twofold disease, involving both a physical allergy and a mental obsession.  He emphasizes that those who suffer from this condition are not simply individuals lacking willpower but are grappling with a profound and insidious illness. Dr. Silkworth's expert opinion contributes significantly to the understanding of alcoholism, laying the groundwork for the compassionate and holistic approach that is central to the recovery philosophy outlined in the subsequent sections of the “Big Book.”  This medical insight helps to destigmatize alcoholism and underscores the importance of approaching it as a treatable medical condition rather than a moral failing.

The next section is the preface.  This section of the “Big Book” serves as a concise yet impactful introduction, setting the tone for the journey of recovery that lies ahead for the reader.  It outlines the primary purpose of the book: to provide a practical and spiritual guide for those grappling with alcoholism.  Within its pages, the preface hints at the collective wisdom and shared experiences of the early members of Alcoholics Anonymous, underscoring the communal nature of the recovery process.  In this brief but crucial section, the preface not only prepares the reader for the transformative insights contained within the “Big Book,” but also conveys the message that recovery is possible through shared understanding, mutual support, and a commitment to spiritual principles.

Up next, we have the twelve steps.  The twelve steps outlined in “Alcoholics Anonymous” form the heart of the program, providing a systematic and spiritual guide for individuals seeking recovery from alcoholism.  These steps represent a transformative journey, guiding individuals from acknowledging powerlessness over alcohol to achieving a spiritual awakening.  Beginning with the admission of being powerless over alcohol and recognizing the need for a higher power's assistance, the steps progress through self-reflection, making amends, and helping others in the recovery community.  They emphasize rigorous honesty, self-examination, and a commitment to personal growth.  The twelve steps serve as a blueprint for breaking the cycle of addiction, fostering spiritual development, and building a foundation for lasting sobriety.

The twelve traditions section of “Alcoholics Anonymous” outlines the principles that govern the fellowship, ensuring its unity and survival.  They address issues like anonymity, group autonomy, and cooperation among AA groups.  They serve as a safeguard against internal and external pressures that could potentially undermine the effectiveness of Alcoholics Anonymous. The twelve traditions collectively reinforce the idea that the strength of the program lies in the collective unity of its members and the shared commitment to carrying the message of recovery while maintaining humility and avoiding the pitfalls of organizational influence.

The next section of the “Big Book” is my personal favorite.  The personal stories section of the “Alcoholics Anonymous” book is a poignant and humanizing collection of narratives that offers readers a firsthand glimpse into the diverse experiences of individuals who have battled alcoholism and found recovery through the AA program.  These personal stories provide an in-depth overview of struggles, despair, and ultimately, hope.  They serve as a testament to the universality of the addiction experience while showcasing the varied paths to recovery. Each account reflects the raw honesty, vulnerability, and resilience of those who have navigated the challenges of alcoholism and emerged on the other side, transformed.  These narratives not only offer inspiration to those currently caught in the grips of addiction but also reinforce the idea that, through shared experience and mutual support, recovery is not only possible but achievable.  The personal stories section adds a deeply human dimension to the “Big Book,” emphasizing that within the fellowship of AA, individuals find strength in their shared journey toward sobriety.   

“Alcoholics Anonymous” is not just a book; it is a lifeline for individuals struggling with alcohol addiction.  Its historical significance, structured approach, and key principles have made it a foundational text for the recovery community.  The “Big Book” has provided hope, guidance, and a path to sobriety for countless individuals, making it an enduring and influential work in the realm of addiction recovery.  As AA continues to evolve, the “Big Book” remains a timeless source of wisdom and support for those in need of a better life beyond alcohol.

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to spread awareness today.

40. Matthew Perry

When most people hear the name Matthew Perry, they immediately think of Chandler Bing from the iconic TV show, 'Friends.' But for me, Matthew Perry's name takes me on a different journey.  Tragically, on Saturday, October 28th, the 54-year-old actor, best known for his role as Chandler Bing in the beloved US sitcom 'Friends,' was found dead at his Los Angeles home, reportedly having drowned in his hot tub.  Matthew Perry was a prolific actor who faced his share of personal demons, most notably his battle with drug addiction.

Matthew Perry's journey through addiction began in his early adulthood.  Despite his fame and success, he grappled with the pressures of celebrity life and found solace in substances like alcohol, prescription medication, and opiates.  Like so many others battling addiction, the intensity of it eventually took a toll on his personal and professional life.

Perry's path to recovery was marked by pivotal moments, with his multiple stints in rehab being among the most significant.  These experiences changed his mindset and helped play a crucial role in his determination to achieve sobriety.  Matthew Perry's recovery journey has been characterized by remarkable personal and professional achievements.  He became an outspoken advocate for sobriety and used his own experiences to support others facing addiction.  His brave openness about his struggles has helped reduce the stigma surrounding addiction and has encouraged countless struggling individuals to seek help.  In 2013, Perry co-founded Phoenix House, a non-profit organization dedicated to providing addiction treatment, prevention, and support services.  His involvement in this initiative has been instrumental in offering resources to those in need, contributing significantly to the cause.  In interviews and his NY Times best-selling memoir, Perry emphasized the personal growth he experienced in recovery.  Maintaining sobriety allowed him to rebuild relationships with his family and within the entertainment industry.

In my opinion, Matthew Perry's impact extends far beyond his professional accomplishments.  His role as an advocate and his involvement in organizations like Phoenix House significantly raised awareness about addiction, treatment, and recovery.  His high-profile status helped break down the stigma surrounding addiction, inspiring others to seek help without fear of judgment.

Matthew Perry's journey through addiction and recovery serves as an inspiring example of resilience and transformation.  His story is a testament to the fact that even in the darkest times, it is possible to overcome addiction and rebuild one's life.  Furthermore, Perry's contributions to the field of addiction treatment and awareness have had a lasting and positive impact on countless lives, solidifying his role as a beacon of hope for those battling addiction.

I'd like to conclude with a recent statement from Perry:

“I've had a lot of ups and downs in my life.  I'm still working through it personally, but the best thing about me is that if an alcoholic or drug addict comes up to me and says, “Will you help me?” I will always say, “Yes, I know how to do that.” I will do that for you, even if I can't always do it for myself.” So I do that, whenever I can.  In groups, or one on one. And I created the Perry House in Malibu, a sober-living facility for men. I also wrote my play 'The End of Longing,' which is a personal message to the world, an exaggerated form of me as a drunk.  I had something important to say to people like me, and to people who love people like me.  When I die, I know people will talk about 'Friends, Friends, Friends.' And I'm glad of that, happy I've done some solid work as an actor, as well as given people multiple chances to make fun of my struggles on the world wide web... but when I die, as far as my so-called accomplishments go, it would be nice if 'Friends' were listed far behind the things I did to try to help other people.  I know it won't happen, but it would be nice.”

– Matthew Perry (August 19, 1969 - October 28, 2023)

Just as he wished, I will honor and remember Matthew Perry in this way.

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to spread awareness today.

39. Insecurity & its Role in Addiction

Insecurity is a common human experience, but when it becomes chronic and overwhelming, it can have far-reaching consequences. There is an undoubtedly complex relationship between insecurity and substance abuse.  Feelings of inadequacy, self-doubt, and fear can drive individuals toward substance abuse as a coping mechanism.

Insecurity is a deeply rooted emotional state characterized by a pervasive sense of doubt, fear, and self-consciousness.  It often stems from early childhood experiences, societal expectations, or traumatic events, leaving individuals feeling vulnerable and exposed.  Such feelings can manifest in various ways, including low self-esteem, social anxiety, and depression.  Insecurity can act as a persistent burden, affecting one's relationships and personal development, and, as we will discuss, potentially lead to substance abuse.

Substance abuse and insecurity often create a self-perpetuating, vicious cycle.  Substance use can temporarily alleviate the symptoms of insecurity, providing a fleeting sense of confidence and control. However, once the effects wear off, the individual is often left feeling even more insecure, guilty, and anxious, thus perpetuating the desire to use substances again.  This cycle can lead to addiction, as the individual becomes increasingly reliant on substances to manage their insecurities.

Insecurity serves as a catalyst for substance abuse.  One of the mechanisms through which insecurity contributes to substance abuse is self-medication. Individuals grappling with persistent feelings of inadequacy or anxiety frequently resort to substances such as alcohol, illicit drugs, or prescription medications in a bid to soothe their emotional turmoil and numb the torment of their insecurities.  It is imperative to recognize that these substances offer nothing more than a fleeting respite from unrelenting self-doubt and fear, creating a false sense of confidence and self-assuredness. Using alcohol and illicit drugs is like using a Band-Aid on a severe wound.  Once the “Band-Aid,” or drugs and alcohol in this instance, are taken out of the equation, issues with insecurity still exist and often they tend to resurface even worse than they initially were.

Insecurity often makes individuals feel trapped in their own thoughts and emotions. Substance abuse can serve as an enticing form of escapism from the overwhelming feelings of insecurity. When under the influence of substances, individuals may experience a temporary sense of freedom from their self-doubt and fear, further reinforcing their reliance on these substances as a means of escape.  As I stated earlier, substance abuse is simply a temporary fix that exacerbates these feelings of insecurity.  It takes hard work to get to the root of the problem. Through introspection, counseling, and a range of effective therapeutic methods, individuals can confront and unravel their problems rather than merely masking them.  These diverse therapies empower individuals to cultivate healthier coping strategies, bolster self-esteem, and equip themselves with the tools to manage their emotional states without resorting to substance use.

Insecure individuals are more likely to be swayed by peer pressure in their quest for social acceptance.  They may engage in substance use as a means of fitting in with a particular social group or as a coping strategy to alleviate feelings of social inadequacy.  In such cases, insecurity can be a driving force behind the initiation of substance abuse.  I can relate to this struggle from my own youth, always striving to fit in with the "cool kids."  This pursuit led me down a regrettable path, making choices that, in hindsight, were unwise. Back then, I placed an excessive emphasis on external validation, only to realize later that I should have embraced my authentic self and prioritized the opinions of those who truly cared for me, namely my family, close loved ones, and my true friends.  I consider myself to be a realist and I know this harsh truth in practice is far more challenging than it sounds.

Insecurity and substance abuse can have severe consequences for an individual's mental health.  Chronic substance use can exacerbate feelings of self-doubt and anxiety, leading to the development of co-occurring mental health disorders.  This further complicates the recovery process, as individuals must simultaneously address their substance use and underlying insecurities.

Effectively addressing the intricate connection between insecurity and substance abuse requires a “dual-diagnosis approach.”  Treatment should focus not only on the addiction itself but also on the underlying emotional and psychological issues, such as insecurity, that fuel the addictive behaviors. This approach really resonates with my personal journey, as I, too, had harbored a multitude of suppressed issues for an extended period.  It wasn't until I embarked on the difficult, yet courageous, path of confronting these long-buried matters alongside my dedicated counselor that genuine progress in my recovery became possible. Addressing the underlying issues along with tackling my addiction marked an important turning point in my healing journey. These therapeutic strategies helped me develop healthier coping mechanisms, enhanced my self-esteem, and provided tools to manage my emotional state without having to resort to substance use.

Supportive relationships and networks play a pivotal role in the recovery journey.  Group therapy, participation in 12-step programs, and engagement in support groups facilitate connections with individuals who have confronted similar challenges.  The sense of belonging and acceptance within these circles can effectively counteract the pervasive feelings of insecurity that often serve as the driving force behind substance abuse.  It was only when I mustered the strength to leave that behind and began surrounding myself with people genuinely invested in my success that I experienced remarkable strides in my recovery.  My lifelong friends, who have remained steadfast, continue to provide unwavering support.  Additionally, I've had the privilege of forging new friendships with individuals who are equally dedicated to my well-being and actively contribute to my success in whatever endeavor I decide to pursue.

Promoting self-compassion and self-empowerment is essential in the recovery process.  Individuals must learn to replace self-doubt with self-acceptance, acknowledge their worth, and believe in their ability to change.  This transformation can help break the vicious cycle of insecurity and substance abuse.

Insecurity and substance abuse are intricately connected, with one often exacerbating the other.  It is crucial to recognize the role insecurity may play in the development and perpetuation of addiction.  It’s equally important to address both issues simultaneously in the treatment and recovery process.  By providing comprehensive care that addresses the emotional and psychological aspects of addiction, individuals can break free from the vicious cycle, find healthier ways to cope with their insecurities, and embark on a path toward lasting recovery and improved mental health.

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to help spread awareness today.

38. “Hugging the Cactus” on the Path to Recovery

The journey of self-discovery is often a tumultuous one, especially for those grappling with addiction.  I was recently watching a video clip on YouTube of Robert Downey Jr. introducing his friend, Mel Gibson who was presenting Downey Jr. with a cinematography award.  Robert Downey Jr., a renowned actor and philanthropist, has become a symbol of resilience and redemption in the public eye.  His journey from the depths of addiction and personal turmoil to the pinnacle of success in both his personal and professional life has inspired many.  At the time of the award presentation, Mel Gibson was going through some very public struggles of his own.  In Robert Downey Jr.’s introduction, he referred to “hugging the cactus,” a phrase that I had never heard before.  After doing some research of my own, I found that hugging the cactus is a metaphor that emerged from Downey Jr.’s unique perspective on facing and embracing adversity.  The metaphor of hugging the cactus pertains to acknowledging and accepting the darker aspects of one's identity in the pursuit of recovery and personal transformation.  Let’s explore this fascinating concept some more!

The phrase "hug the cactus" was first introduced by Downey Jr. in an interview where he reflected on his struggles with substance abuse.  The metaphor symbolizes the painful and uncomfortable experiences one must confront in order to achieve personal growth.  Rather than avoiding or resisting difficulties, Downey Jr. encourages individuals to embrace them fully, much like hugging a prickly cactus despite the discomfort.  The metaphor of hugging the cactus encapsulates this uncomfortable but transformative process of embracing one's flaws and facing the consequences of one's actions.  In the context of addiction, the cactus represents the prickly and painful aspects of oneself, the consequences of past decisions, and the unexplored territories of one's psyche.  Instead of avoiding or suppressing these uncomfortable truths, hugging the cactus involves a courageous and conscious effort to confront and accept them.  For an alcoholic or drug addict, hugging the cactus means acknowledging the impact of their addiction on themselves and others—accepting the lies, the deceit, and the harm caused.  This act of self-confrontation is not about beating oneself up over their past but rather an honest appraisal that serves as a catalyst for change.  By hugging the cactus, an individual can begin to dismantle the walls of denial and delusion, paving the way for authentic self-awareness.

The central theme of Downey Jr.’s philosophy lies in the idea that growth often arises from the most challenging and uncomfortable situations.  By willingly facing adversity, individuals can transform pain into opportunities for self-discovery and development.  Hugging the cactus implies a deliberate choice to confront life's difficulties head-on, fostering resilience and strength in the face of adversity.  Robert Downey Jr.'s life story serves as a testament to the transformative power of resilience.  By hugging the cactus, he not only overcame personal challenges but also resurrected his career.  This resilience has not only defined his personal narrative but has also made him an influential figure in advocating for mental health awareness and addiction recovery.  While the origin of the quote is rooted in Downey Jr.’s battles with addiction, the metaphor of hugging the cactus extends to various facets of life. Whether in professional pursuits, relationships, or creative endeavors, the philosophy encourages individuals to confront discomfort, setbacks, and challenges as integral components of the journey toward success and self-discovery.

I believe that every individual possesses an inherent goodness, a reservoir of positive qualities that define their essence.  For a drug addict, recognizing and embracing this goodness becomes a cornerstone in their path to recovery.  Beneath the layers of addiction lies the core of their humanity, comprising strengths, talents, and virtues that may have been overshadowed by the struggles of substance abuse.  Embracing the good involves acknowledging these qualities, cultivating self-compassion, and fostering a sense of worthiness.  Acknowledging strengths and virtues is not about denying the existence of flaws but rather realizing that the human experience is inherently multifaceted.  Recovering addicts can tap into their resilience, determination, and empathy as sources of strength, enabling them to confront the challenges of rehabilitation with a newfound sense of purpose.

Embracing both the good and the bad within oneself is not a linear process but rather a dynamic dance between self-acceptance and growth.  Recovering addicts must learn to integrate these seemingly contradictory elements, recognizing that the journey toward wholeness involves both celebrating victories and navigating setbacks.  It is in this duality that the true essence of personal transformation unfolds.  The embrace of the good serves as a source of motivation and inspiration, fueling the recovery journey with a positive vision of the future. Meanwhile, hugging the cactus provides the necessary humility and self-awareness to navigate the challenges that arise.  This dual embrace creates a balanced foundation for sustained recovery, fostering a resilient mindset that acknowledges the ebb and flow of the human experience.

Robert Downey Jr.'s "hug the cactus" philosophy offers a compelling perspective on resilience and personal growth.  By embracing discomfort and challenges, individuals can navigate the complexities of life with a sense of purpose and determination.  As Downey Jr.’s life exemplifies, hugging the cactus can lead not only to personal redemption but also to becoming a source of inspiration for others facing their own struggles. Embracing the good and the bad within oneself is a profound and challenging undertaking, especially for those recovering from addiction.  The metaphor of hugging the cactus illuminates the transformative power of acknowledging and accepting the darker aspects of one's identity. By recognizing the inherent goodness within and bravely facing the thorny truths of the past, individuals on the path to recovery can cultivate an authentic sense of self.  In this dynamic dance between embrace and acceptance, the journey toward wholeness unfolds, offering hope, resilience, and the potential for lasting personal transformation.

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to spread awareness today.

37. Don’t Judge a Book by Its Cover

Allow me to share a recent encounter that altered my perspective on the act of judging others based on their outward appearances.  Just last week, I found myself in a situation that would challenge my preconceptions and reinforce the significance of empathy and compassion.  It all started when a stranger reached out to me for assistance.  He received my phone number from a friend of a friend of a friend.  He explained that he and his girlfriend were in desperate need of clothing, and he heard that I may be able to help them out.  I collect donations daily and deliver them weekly to local shelters, rehabs, and individuals in need.  Without hesitation, I asked for their clothing sizes and embarked on the task of assembling a collection of donations for them.

Over the course of a few days, I meticulously sorted through clothing items, filling four large garbage bags with apparel for both men and women.  A few days later I made a delivery to the address he had shared, which only happened to be a thirty-five-minute drive from my location.  Upon my arrival, I dialed his number, and moments later, he emerged from his residence.  What unfolded before my eyes left me stunned.  His face bore an intricate tapestry of tattoos, so extensive that it was difficult to even determine his ethnicity.  Among these tattoos were unmistakable gang tattoos.  I know this because the gang’s name was literally tattooed on his forehead, accompanied by teardrop symbols and Spanish phrases etched across his face. Despite my initial astonishment, I greeted him with a firm handshake and began the task of unloading the bags, placing them on the sidewalk before him.  While my innate curiosity compelled me to inquire about his life and experiences, I refrained knowing that could come off as rude.  Instead, I extended my offer of assistance once more, reassuring him that I would be available should further needs arise.

To my astonishment, my phone was soon flooded with messages of gratitude from the tattooed man that forced me to reconsider my initial assumptions.  To me, the texts just didn’t seem like things a hardened gang member would say.  A few days later, he reached out once more, this time requesting shoes and winter clothing for both himself and his girlfriend, accompanied by a list of their sizes again. Armed with this information, I happily undertook the task of assembling yet another three garbage bags filled with an assortment of clothing, jackets, shoes, and food items. Returning to his apartment, I called him upon arrival, and once more, he appeared outside to meet me.  We began talking as I unloaded my car.  We traded small talk but after a few minutes I found myself unable to resist the impulse to ask, “So, what’s your story, man?” 

What unfolded was a heart-wrenching narrative.  He disclosed that he had been born in El Salvador into a family deeply entrenched in a notorious gang.  His parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents, and cousins—virtually his entire family—were all established members of the same gang.  He had been born into a life seemingly destined for failure from the jump.  The story continued as he revealed that his father had initiated his facial tattoos when he was a mere SIX years old.  By the young age of twelve, his entire body had been covered with gang tattoos.

However, a perspective shift occurred after he became a father himself.  Fueled by a desire to provide his child with a life free from the shackles of the gang, he made the journey to America, armed with nothing but the clothes on his back.  Unfortunately, his face tattoos proved to be insurmountable obstacles in his quest for employment, with potential employers often dismissing him solely based on his appearance.  He confided in me that he hated looking into mirrors and seeing the reflection that stared back at him, but the financial strain of tattoo removal was beyond his means.  My heart ached for him, and I marveled at the resilience that had allowed him to endure such a turbulent life.  As our conversation continued, his toddler son ventured out of the front door, and I had the privilege of being introduced to him.

I realized that beneath the tattoos was a father striving relentlessly to offer his child a life vastly different from his own tumultuous upbringing. The gratitude he expressed for the donations went far beyond my initial expectations.  This encounter served as a stark reminder of the timeless lesson, "Don't judge a book by its cover."  Although I had heard this phrase many times throughout my life, rarely had I adhered to its wisdom.  This experience served as a profound lesson in suspending judgment, acknowledging the deceptive nature of appearances, and appreciating the complexities of each person's life story.

The importance of being compassionate and withholding judgment based on outward appearances cannot be overstated.  We must strive to treat everyone with kindness and respect, regardless of how different they may seem at first glance.  The story of this man with tattoos on his face is a testament to the power of empathy and the importance of seeing a person beyond the exterior.  By doing so, we can truly make a difference in people's lives and break the cycle of prejudice that hinders our society.

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to help spread awareness today.

36. Altering Your Past

The allure of time travel has been a recurring theme in many movies and books.  While the immediate inclination for many might be to alter the course of their lives, the idea of revisiting pivotal moments in one's life, correcting mistakes, and altering outcomes is undeniably appealing.  Among the myriad of life-altering choices individuals might reconsider, the experience of drug addiction often stands out. However, as we explore such a decision, we learn that drug addiction is a deeply personal and multifaceted experience, and it becomes clear that it is not a straightforward matter of erasing regrettable choices.  Instead, it is a journey that often holds valuable lessons and opportunities for growth.  By examining the potential reasons for not changing this history, I aim to shed light on the intricate nature of addiction and its role in shaping individuals.

It may seem counterintuitive, but some individuals who have battled the relentless grip of addiction find value in their experiences.  These values often emerge from the resilience and personal growth cultivated during the recovery process.  By facing the challenges of addiction, individuals may develop stronger coping mechanisms, increased self-awareness, and a deeper understanding of their own vulnerabilities.  Removing these experiences could inadvertently rob them of valuable lessons learned and the extraordinary opportunity for unparalleled personal development. Addiction often prompts individuals to embark on a journey of self-discovery.  In the pursuit of recovery, they may uncover hidden talents, passions, and interests that they might never have explored otherwise.  I personally experienced this transformation firsthand when I finally achieved sobriety.  Initially, I had no inkling of my true interests or strengths, as my life had been dominated by the shadows of drug abuse for such a long time.  The necessity to embark on a voyage of self-exploration pushed me to try new endeavors and activities to determine my true interests and talents.  To my astonishment, I discovered a deep fondness for running, considering myself to be reasonably good at it.  I also uncovered an untapped talent for writing when I decided to put my life's struggle with addiction onto paper.  The realization struck me that I possessed far more talent as a writer than I had ever imagined.  Rewriting history could have potentially deprived me of these life-altering opportunities for self-discovery.

Altering one's history of drug addiction would not only impact the individual but also the people in their lives.  Family members, friends, and loved ones often play a significant role in the journey of recovery. Erasing the addiction from the timeline may mean erasing the shared moments of support, understanding, and growth that occurred during the recovery process.  During the period when I first began using drugs, I found myself gradually drifting away from my family.  I didn’t want them to know what I was doing and the easiest way to do that was to not be around them.  The desire to shield them from my struggles led me to create more distance between us.  The grip of addiction deteriorated my relationship with my family.  However, upon achieving sobriety, I embarked on a journey characterized by unwavering honesty and integrity.  I abandoned deceit and chose to be completely transparent with my family.  Consequently, my relationship with them today has reached newfound strength and resilience.  It is possible that without my drug addiction, the profound connection I now share with them might never have been forged.

Personal experiences with addiction can cultivate a deeper sense of empathy and compassion for others facing similar challenges. Individuals who have battled addiction may be more inclined to support and advocate for addiction recovery programs, mental health services, and the crucial reduction of stigma surrounding addiction. Prior to my own journey through addiction, my capacity for empathy and compassion was non-existent.  My addiction led me down a tumultuous path, resulting in multiple stints in rehab.  Within those rehab facilities, I encountered individuals from all walks of life, each bearing their own heartbreaking stories.  For many, it seemed as though life had stacked the odds against them from the very beginning.  Some had been born into addiction due to their parent's substance abuse during pregnancy, while others had endured unspeakable childhood traumas that left them emotionally scarred.  I once viewed homelessness or drug addiction heartlessly, assuming it was merely a choice.  I've since come to understand that it's often far more than just a choice.  Through my addiction, I unearthed a profound sense of empathy and compassion, particularly for those who have battled the same demons I did.

Sharing the story of overcoming addiction can serve as a source of inspiration and hope for others facing similar challenges.  By choosing not to change one's addiction history, individuals can continue to inspire and support others on their journey to recovery. When I embarked on my journey to sobriety, I made a promise to myself to dedicate the remainder of my life to guiding others away from the same poor decisions I made leading to, and during my addiction.  Those who have personally weathered the storms of addiction can emerge as advocates for raising awareness and prevention.  Their personal stories can illuminate the dangers of substance abuse.  I have been fortunate to deliver a TEDx talk recounting my own journey through the clutches of drug addiction.  Countless individuals have reached out to express how my talk resonated with them and even aided them in their own lives.  Moreover, I have begun writing a weekly column for The Independent Republican, and it's heartening to receive messages from readers who have found it instrumental in helping them better understand addiction and its consequences.  I plan to continue spreading awareness about this until my last day on this Earth.  In the process of doing so, I hope my personal experience of recovery from addiction inspires others.

By contemplating whether or not to change one's history of addiction, we must also address the stigma surrounding addiction.  The prevailing view that addiction is solely a consequence of bad choices can perpetuate shame and guilt, hindering recovery efforts.  Choosing not to change one's addiction history sends a powerful message that addiction is a part of a person's life story, not a defining flaw.

The hypothetical scenario of traveling back in time to change a history of drug addiction is fraught with complexities so the decision to change a history of drug addiction is far from straightforward. Addiction is not a mere choice, but rather a journey influenced by various factors that can ultimately shape individuals in profound ways.  While it is natural to wish to avoid the pain and hardship associated with addiction, it is essential to recognize that it is also a source of personal growth and resilience for many.  Rather than erasing the past, a more profound understanding and empathy for the complexities of addiction can pave the way for better support, treatment, and recovery in the present and the future.  By acknowledging the multifaceted nature of addiction, we can ultimately foster a more compassionate and informed perspective on this pressing societal issue.

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to help spread awareness today.

35. Blessings

I’m blessed.  Actually, let me rephrase that… I’m beyond blessed.  Addiction can cast a dark shadow over an individual's life, leading to despair, broken relationships, and shattered dreams.  However, beyond the darkness lies the possibility of recovery and the opportunity for a life filled with blessings. Recovery from drug addiction is often a complex journey filled with challenges, obstacles, and setbacks.  The transformative power of recovery enables individuals to break free from the cycle of destruction and rediscover their self-worth.  Recovery provides opportunities for personal growth, redemption, and the rediscovery of passions and talents, allowing individuals to embrace a new way of life filled with hope and purpose.  Support networks, including family, friends, and community members offer invaluable assistance along the way, creating a sense of being blessed by their presence.  While the road to recovery may be challenging, those who embark on it often find themselves blessed with a second chance at fulfilling a meaningful life.

Recovery from drug addiction is an extensive process of personal transformation.  It is a journey that allows individuals to shed their old selves, marked by addiction and its destructive consequences, and embrace a new way of life.  It requires individuals to reach deep within themselves to rediscover their inner strength.  The very first time I had a drink and used a drug something inside of me changed.  I'm not merely referring to the alteration of brain chemistry; rather, I found that the more alcohol and drugs I introduced into my body, the further I drifted from the person I once was to someone I loathed and whom others grew to hate.  It may seem strong to describe it as 'hate,' but in this context, it's an undeniable truth.  It wasn't until I finally gave up alcohol and drugs that I could embark on the journey of self-discovery.  I started using substances during my early teenage years.  For well over fifteen years, I was caught in the grips of addiction.  I was utterly adrift and disconnected from my true self.  Quitting drugs didn't instantly lead me back to my authentic identity.  It demanded time and substantial effort.  I'm still in the process of self-discovery!  This transformative potential is a blessing, as it granted me the chance to break free from the shackles of addiction and start anew.

Recovery from drug addiction is not a solitary endeavor.  It relies heavily on the support of others, which can be seen as a blessing in itself. Substance abuse addiction often damages personal connections with loved ones, resulting in strained or even severed ties.  However, through recovery, individuals have the opportunity to make amends, rebuild trust, and reestablish healthy relationships.  The presence of a strong support network can make all the difference in an individual's journey toward recovery, with family and friends playing pivotal roles.  While I was using, I believed that those I used drugs with were true friends, but I couldn't have been more mistaken. When the drugs ceased to be a part of my life, so did those "friends."  It’s my true friends, the ones who had distanced themselves while I grappled with addiction, who proved unwavering in their commitment to my well-being.  Their continued support, encouragement, and understanding are a blessing.  The love and care of these loved ones not only fuel my motivation to stay clean but also provide a profound sense of belonging, reinforcing my dedication to recovery.  I came to understand that genuine friends are the ones who lovingly call you out on your BS, even when it's not necessarily the popular thing for them to do.  Today, my true friends do just that and I am absolutely blessed for it.

Recovery from drug addiction is not merely about ceasing drug use; it is a complex process of personal growth and redemption.  Many individuals view their recovery journey as a second chance at life, an opportunity to make amends for past mistakes, and a commitment to become the best version of themselves realizing their true potential.  My personal story is a testament to the improbable because, by all accounts, I should be dead.  It’s a legitimate miracle that I’m still alive to tell my side of the story today.  When I embarked on my recent journey to sobriety, I made sincere vows: to dedicate the remainder of my life to aiding those grappling with addiction and to embody unwavering integrity consistently by choosing the right path, even when no one is looking.  The transformation into a person of integrity has emerged as one of the most profound blessings in my life.  Through this, I've managed to rekindle the trust and respect of family, friends, and my community.  Recovery has provided an opportunity for me to rediscover myself and pursue a life filled with purpose and meaning.

Rediscovering one's talents and passions after overcoming an addiction can be an incredibly rewarding journey.  It's a process of self-discovery and healing, where individuals not only break free from the chains of addiction but also unearth their hidden potential.  As they embark on this path of recovery, they often find that their talents, once overshadowed by the darkness of addiction, begin to shine once more.  Whether it's rediscovering a knack for painting, a love for music, a talent for cooking, or a gift for connecting with others, these talents serve as beacons of hope and sources of strength.  In my own journey, I rediscovered my love for coaching soccer.  I found that running is not only a talent but has also proved to be a great outlet that has helped me immensely with my mental health.  I found that I have a special skill in connecting with children and helping to guide them.  This is a true testament to the resilience and potential within me, which offered a renewed sense of purpose and fulfillment on the road to a brighter, substance-free future – truly a blessing!

The journey of recovery from drug addiction is undeniably a journey that is filled with blessings. It is a transformative process that allows individuals to break free from the chains of addiction, rediscover their true selves, and embark on a path toward personal growth and redemption. The support of family, true friends, and the community is an invaluable blessing that sustains and uplifts those embarking on this challenging journey. Recovery offers a second chance at life and an opportunity to embrace a life filled with hope and purpose. As we reflect on the profound blessings of recovery, we are reminded that it is not just about ceasing drug use, but about becoming the best version of ourselves and realizing our true potential. In the midst of adversity, recovery illuminates the path to a brighter, more meaningful future, reminding us all that we are indeed blessed with the opportunity to rewrite our own stories.

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to help spread awareness today.

34. Addiction & its Effect on Families & Loved Ones

Over the course of the past month, I've been intimately engaged with the family of an individual grappling with a prolonged struggle against drug addiction.  What began as exchanges on Instagram evolved into sporadic text messages, culminating in lengthy phone calls.  The family, grappling with the overwhelming challenge of assisting their loved one, was adrift and uncertain.  While I provided suggestions and solace, I found myself grappling with the same bewilderment that enveloped them.  Despite having followed a path almost identical to their loved one’s, I couldn't articulate the precise words they needed to hear at that moment.  What struck me profoundly was the depth of pain and anguish the family endured because of their loved one's addiction. Their emotions, a tumultuous mix of anger, sadness, and confusion, served as a stark reminder that drug addiction extends far beyond the individual struggling with it.  It casts a pervasive shadow over everyone closely connected to the afflicted individual.  While these reminders play a vital role in keeping my own recovery on track, I'd readily alleviate their pain and suffering if it were within my power.  Regrettably, the harsh reality is that it's far from a straightforward task, though my heartfelt wish persists.  If there's one action within my capacity, it is to impress upon my readers the devastating impact of drug addiction on families and friendships.  It is a force that reverberates, affecting not only the addict but also anyone with even the smallest amount of affection for them.

With that being said, this week I’m here to further explore the harrowing realm of drug addiction, scrutinizing not only the individual ensnared by its grasp but also the profound repercussions it inflicts upon the unsuspecting victims – the family members and close loved ones.  Through a lens that transcends statistical data and clinical analyses, I explore the intricate dynamics of family bonds eroded by the corrosive effects of substance abuse.  This exploration serves as an attempt to comprehend the depth of despair experienced by those who stand helplessly on the outside of addiction looking in.  The toll it exacts on the family members of the addict is a tale often filled with shame, stigma, and silent suffering.  As we embark on this exploration, we must acknowledge that behind every statistic is a human narrative, a complex tapestry of emotions, shattered dreams, and resilient love.

The journey into addiction is rarely solitary; it is a collective descent into darkness that entwines the lives of those closest to the addict.  What begins as subtle shifts in behavior and mood transform into a consuming force, leaving the family grappling with a loved one who is slipping away – physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.  Their personal struggle transforms into a shared burden, leaving a family to grapple with a version of the addict that is slipping away.  The addict becomes a mere shell of the person they once were, and the family members become unwitting witnesses to this haunting transformation.

Trust, the delicate glue holding families together, becomes collateral damage.  As they witness the erosion of dreams and promises, family members grapple with the duality of love and resentment. The unconditional love that forms the solid foundation of family ties becomes a double-edged sword, cutting through the soul of loved ones with every broken promise and unfulfilled potential of the addict. In the relentless pursuit of the next high, deception becomes the addict’s unwitting expertise.  Ensnared by the relentless demands of their desired vice, the addict inadvertently becomes a master of deception.  Family members, burdened with the weight of suspicion and fear, tiptoe through a minefield of broken promises, stolen moments, and shattered trust.  Trust, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly crumbles away.  In the face of this profound disruption, the journey toward recovery is arduous for both the addict and their family members.  The scars of addiction linger, and rebuilding trust is a painstaking process.  Family members find themselves grappling with conflicting emotions of hope and caution as they cautiously embrace the tentative steps toward rehabilitation.

As addiction devastates the family unit, emotions run high and unpredictable.  Loved ones navigate anger, despair, and heartbreak, occasionally interrupted by fleeting moments of hope that are very often overshadowed by the next setback.  Anger, despair, and heartbreak become commonplace.  The emotional toll on family members is profound, as they teeter between empathy for the addict's struggle and the desperate need to preserve their own sanity.

The impact of drug addiction on family members is a narrative etched with sorrow, resilience, and the enduring power of love.  It serves as a poignant reminder that addiction is not a solitary battle; it is a collective struggle that reverberates through the interconnected lives of those bound to the addict. As society grapples with the complexities of addiction, it is imperative to illuminate the shadows that conceal the silent suffering of family members, fostering empathy and understanding in the quest for healing.

I used to perceive my drug addiction as a personal struggle, convinced it was solely my problem and didn't impact anyone else. It turns out, that was just my addiction deceiving me.  If you find yourself grappling with an addiction and believe it only impacts you and no one else, reconsider. I can assure you its repercussions are far-reaching and extend beyond just yourself.

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to help spread awareness today.

I.L.M.O.J.L. <3

33. Drug Treatment Court

Last week, I provided a brief overview of the circumstances that landed me in Drug Treatment Court (DTC).  Initially, I was completely unaware of the existence of such a program tailored for individuals struggling with drug addiction and/or alcoholism while facing non-violent criminal charges.  I’m extremely blessed (and grateful) to have had a lawyer who was familiar with DTC and was dedicated to securing my enrollment in the program.  This opportunity offered me a lifeline to potentially mitigate or even dismiss the charges looming over me.  The arresting officers charged me with a DUI (driving under the influence), leaving the scene of an accident, and several drug possession charges.  However, the situation escalated further due to the substantial amount of Xanax in my possession at the time of my arrest, leading to the additional charge of intent to distribute a controlled substance, a class B felony.  If convicted of the class B felony, intent to distribute a controlled substance, I was looking at a possible prison sentence.  For those unfamiliar with the intricacies of the criminal justice system, it's essential to understand that a class A felony is the highest-level offense, and my class B felony was dangerously close.  As many of you are aware, bearing a criminal record is an enormous barrier to securing employment, regardless of the nature of the job sought.  Consequently, DTC and the prospect of having my charges reduced or, better yet, dismissed, swiftly became a top priority of mine.

In a society where the vicious cycle of substance abuse and criminality continues to plague individuals and communities, DTCs offer a progressive and compassionate approach to addressing these intertwined issues.  By emphasizing rehabilitation over punishment, these courts not only provide individuals with a chance to overcome their addiction but also contribute to public safety by reducing recidivism rates.  While challenges and limitations exist, the overall success of DTCs points toward a more humane and effective way of achieving justice while fostering a profound personal transformation.

The primary objective of DTC is to divert nonviolent individuals grappling with substance abuse away from the conventional criminal justice system and towards specialized treatment programs tailored to address their addiction issues.  This approach was built upon the recognition that addiction is a disease that requires medical AND therapeutic intervention rather than mere punishment.  At the core of DTC lie foundational principles rooted in collaboration, accountability, and individualized treatment.  These specialized courts bring together various stakeholders, including judges, prosecutors, defense attorneys, treatment professionals, probation officers, and law enforcement officials, to work collaboratively in designing and monitoring treatment plans for participants.  This process involves a regimen of regular court appearances, frequent drug testing, ongoing evaluations, and mandatory journaling, all of which collectively ensure participants are held responsible for their progress in treatment and their journey toward sobriety.

There are several integral components of DTC.  Participants in the program undergo comprehensive assessments to determine the most suitable course of treatment, which may encompass various options such as detoxification, outpatient counseling, inpatient rehabilitation, or medication-assisted treatment.  When I initially entered the DTC program, I had already completed a 21-day inpatient rehabilitation program directly after spending a week in jail.  Subsequently, as a requirement of the DTC, I transitioned directly into an outpatient program where I attended hour-long group therapy sessions alongside fellow individuals grappling with addictions five days a week. Additionally, I was obligated to take part in one-on-one counseling sessions with a therapist who closely monitored and reported my progress in treatment to the DTC team.

The structure of DTCs can vary significantly from one jurisdiction to another, yet they generally adhere to a well-organized program that includes multiple phases.  Participants advance through these phases based on their compliance with treatment plans, regular drug testing, and court appearances.  In the DTC I participated in, there were three phases.  In the initial phase, participants were mandated to attend court sessions weekly, where they would provide updates on their treatment progress and address any inquiries posed by the presiding judge.  During the second phase, court attendance was reduced to once every two weeks, and in the third phase, participants were required to attend court monthly.  Completion of the program was contingent upon meeting specific requirements, which typically included sustained sobriety, compliance with treatment, educational or vocational progress, and no criminal behavior.

Regular court appearances play a pivotal role in the effectiveness of the DTC program.  This allows judges to closely monitor participants' progress, address any challenges, and provide essential positive reinforcement for milestones achieved.  In my personal experience, I cannot help but express my admiration for the judge overseeing the DTC program I was fortunate enough to be a part of.  His unwavering commitment to the program was indisputable, and it was evident that he harbored genuine concern for each individual under his supervision.  This blend of compassion and firmness in his approach set the tone for our journey through the program.  However, it's essential to highlight that the judge also wielded the authority to impose penalties such as jail sentences whenever necessary.  This, in turn, served as a potent incentive for us to adhere rigorously to our treatment plans and attend group sessions unless we had a legitimate reason to miss them. Accountability is a cornerstone of the program's success.  In addition to the judge's pivotal role, each participant was assigned a coordinator who maintained direct contact with our counselors from treatment.  These coordinators played a crucial role in our rehabilitation journey by providing the judge with detailed updates on our progress.  Personally, I consider myself extremely fortunate to have had the coordinator that I did.  Much like the judge, she demonstrated an unwavering dedication to our success.  Her genuine care and commitment to our well-being extended beyond the program, as she earnestly wished to see us thrive not only within the DTC program but also in life.

We routinely underwent both scheduled and surprise drug tests to uphold our commitment to maintaining sobriety.  These tests were predominantly conducted during our outpatient program sessions, but occasional spontaneous tests could be administered within the courtroom’s bathroom facilities.  DTCs frequently join forces with community-based organizations to establish a strong support network that helps participants to successfully reintegrate into society.  It was often encouraged that participants attend self-help groups such as NA or AA, coupled with a request to diligently record their attendance in a personal journal.

In the face of the complex issue of substance abuse, traditional punitive measures have proven inadequate in addressing the root causes of addiction and reducing recidivism.  DTCs have emerged as a progressive alternative that aims to break the cycle of substance abuse and criminal behavior by emphasizing rehabilitation over incarceration.  These specialized court programs combine elements of the criminal justice system with a focus on treatment, support, and accountability, offering a more holistic approach to tackling addiction-related crimes.  Research into the effectiveness of DTCs has yielded promising results.  A study conducted by the National Institute of Justice found that participants in DTCs were 35% less likely to be arrested again than those processed through traditional court systems.

I’m blessed to be a part of that 35%.

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to help spread awareness today.

32. How I Landed Myself in Drug Treatment Court

My life took a sharp turn in 2019 when I was arrested in a neighboring town.  It all started with a minor car accident.  I clipped another car while trying to park across the street from a bar.  I was so hammered from eating Xanax and drinking beers all day that I didn't even realize I had hit a car.  I just parked, locked up my car, and walked over to the bar to continue throwing back beers.  Ironically, the police station was directly across the street from the bar.  Only a short while later, when I happened to glance outside, I was confronted with a disconcerting sight. I saw police lights flashing and several officers surrounding my car. Inexplicably, I audaciously approached them to inquire why they were surrounding my vehicle. They proceeded to tell me about the accident, but I stubbornly disputed that I had hit anything, especially not a parked car.  As it turns out, there was a car repair shop across the street with security cameras pointing directly at the parking lot. These cameras captured the entire fiasco, and I was caught red-handed. Oh… did I mention that I had over 500 Xanax bars (pills) stashed away inside my car?  I was arrested and charged with a slew of felonies and misdemeanors.  

As a result of my drug and alcohol use from earlier in the day, I can't recall much about being booked, arraigned, and sent to jail.  I do remember waking up in a cold jail cell wearing an orange jumpsuit with the word "inmate" written on the leg of it. Waking up in jail without any idea of why or how I got there is a terrible feeling, to say the least.  I spent the next week as a prisoner in the county jail, with my only lifeline being the sporadic phone call I was afforded (most days).  I’ll never forget trying to call my family with that phone call.  It would ring and ring and ring until it would click and cut the phone call off.  I remember thinking, “Wow, are they going to let me rot in here?  I’ve really done it now.”  I honestly thought they were leaving me to fend for myself.  Neither my family nor I knew that calls to or from inmates required a specific preloaded phone card. Three days into my confinement, the intercom in my cell crackled to life, announcing that I had a visitor. Rubbing my hands together with a slight smirk, I was sure it was a family member coming to bail me out, but to my surprise, it was someone whom I had gone to high school with.  I was puzzled as I observed him seated there, armed with nothing more than a notepad.  He was a few years ahead of me in school and we hadn’t kept in contact after graduating. While I was recklessly partying, using drugs, and wasting my life away he had gone to college, graduated, and became a lawyer. 

In the visitor's room, he calmly explained that he had been retained as my lawyer and that my family hadn't been ignoring my calls; they just didn't know that they needed to purchase a required phone card and put money onto it, but they were working on it.  He peppered me with questions about what had led to my arrest while diligently taking notes. Then, he introduced me to something called drug treatment court (DTC), a program I had never heard of before.  He informed me that it was an alternative to incarceration, designed for people with a history of drug addiction and criminal charges.  He told me that I was a good candidate for the program based on my history of alcohol and drug abuse and my recent legal woes. He explained that if I was eventually approved and admitted into the program and successfully completed it, my charges could be reduced, or even dismissed. I was completely fixated on the words "reduced charges" and "dismissed charges" as he explained the potential for a brighter future through the avenue of drug treatment court.  Little did I realize at that moment that this intervention would ultimately spark a profound transformation in my life. 

Be sure to tune back in next week as I thoroughly take you through the drug treatment court program which I was blessed to be a participant in!

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to help spread awareness today.

31. Low Self-Esteem & Substance Abuse

Low self-esteem and substance abuse are two interconnected issues that can significantly impact an individual's physical, mental, and emotional well-being.  Low self-esteem refers to a negative evaluation of oneself, accompanied by feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt.  Substance abuse, on the other hand, involves the excessive and harmful use of drugs or alcohol.  These two concepts often coexist and contribute to a complex cycle of reinforcement.

Low self-esteem and substance abuse often feed into each other, creating a cycle that is extremely difficult to break. Individuals with low self-esteem may turn to substances as a way to cope with their negative emotions, escape reality, or gain a temporary boost in confidence.  This escape provides short-term relief from their self-doubt and insecurities, creating a deceiving sense of self-worth. However, these effects are short-lived, leading to a repeated cycle of substance abuse as individuals seek to maintain the positive feelings they experience while intoxicated.

Conversely, substance abuse can worsen self-esteem issues. The negative consequences of addiction, such as deteriorating relationships, declining physical health, and poor decision-making, can further erode an individual's self-worth. The guilt and shame associated with substance abuse can deepen their negative self-perception, perpetuating the cycle of low self-esteem and continued substance use.

People who struggle with low self-esteem often lack healthy ways to deal with stress, anxiety, and negative feelings. Looking back at my own childhood, I remember feeling very anxious, although I didn't realize it then.  My mind would constantly race, and I couldn't calm it down when I wanted to. I thought this was something all kids went through, and I still sort of think that's true to some extent. This is where the connection between low self-esteem, anxiety, and substance abuse came into play.  Many people who experience anxiety turn to drugs or alcohol to try and make themselves feel better, especially when they're overwhelmed by fear and worry.  I traveled down this path too.  At first, alcohol and marijuana seemed to help with my anxiety.  My mind was relieved of the racing thoughts, and I would get this warm, fuzzy feeling in the pit of my stomach.  But there came a time when these effects just weren't cutting it anymore.  That's when I turned to stronger drugs like Benzodiazepines and Opiates.  

Benzodiazepines really seemed to calm me down, so I started with one pill, which quickly turned into two, and before I knew it, I was taking 5-10 pills every day.  It's so strange how the pills that were supposed to help my anxiety became the main cause of my anxiety because if I didn't have them, I'd experience extreme withdrawals.  At first, using substances seems to give some relief from anxiety, or a temporary escape from feeling bad but this relief doesn't last long.  In fact, substance abuse often leads to even more anxiety!  This creates a cycle where growing anxiety pushes people to use substances more often in order to cope, which only strengthens the connection between anxiety and substance abuse.

Low self-esteem can also lead to social isolation.  Individuals with low self-esteem may struggle to perceive their own self-worth and may believe they are unworthy of forming meaningful connections with others.  This negative self-perception can lead to a tendency to withdraw from social interactions out of fear of judgment or rejection. As individuals isolate themselves, their lack of social engagement can further reinforce their feelings of inadequacy and contribute to a self-fulfilling prophecy of loneliness.  Additionally, the absence of positive social interactions denies them the opportunity to receive external validation or reassurance, which might otherwise help boost their self-esteem.

Individuals with low self-esteem can be more susceptible to peer pressure.  They often seek acceptance and validation from their peers to compensate for their own negative self-perception. This makes them particularly vulnerable to peer pressure, as they may feel compelled to conform to the wishes and behaviors of their social group in order to avoid rejection.  In an attempt to fit in and gain a sense of belonging, they might engage in activities, or they might do things that go against what they believe in or what they know is right, just because they want their friends to accept them. When I was a teenager and in my early adult years, I remember doing things to seem “cool,” like not listening to teachers or doing things my friends were doing, even when I knew they weren't good choices.  What initially began as minor instances of insubordination swiftly snowballed into a journey involving substance use and crime.  The rationale was simple – if some of my friends embraced these substances, I saw no reason not to follow suit.  This cycle perpetuated low self-esteem, as I compromised my authenticity and reinforced the belief that I must rely on others' approval in order to feel valued.

For those dealing with both low self-esteem and substance abuse, integrated treatment that addresses both issues concurrently can yield more effective results.  Teaching individuals life skills, such as stress management, healthy communication, and problem-solving, can empower them to face these challenges without resorting to substance abuse.  Group therapy or support groups can provide a sense of belonging and connection, helping individuals counteract social isolation and build a supportive network.  There is an intricate relationship between low self-esteem and substance abuse and addressing one issue without considering the other can lead to ineffective outcomes.  By comprehending the underlying dynamics and intricacies of this relationship, professionals can provide individuals with the tools they need to break the cycle, improve their self-esteem, and achieve lasting recovery from substance abuse.

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to help spread awareness today.

30. The Controversy Surrounding Suboxone & Harm Reduction

In recent years, the opioid epidemic has reached alarming proportions, leading to the search for effective treatment options.  Suboxone, a medication combining Buprenorphine and Naloxone, has emerged as a crucial tool in combating opioid addiction.  However, its use has sparked considerable controversy, with debates focusing on its benefits, potential drawbacks, and societal implications.

Despite its potential benefits, Suboxone is not immune to controversy. One major point of contention revolves around the concept of replacing one addiction with another.  Critics argue that long-term Suboxone use can lead to physical dependence, thus raising questions about whether individuals are genuinely in recovery or merely switching to a different substance.  Many addicts will claim that if you’re on Suboxone, then you’re not actually clean.  In my opinion, you’re in recovery when you say you’re in recovery and I firmly stand by that idea.  Another concern is the diversion of Suboxone to the illicit market.  Some individuals prescribed Suboxone may misuse or sell their medication, thereby contributing to the very problem it aims to solve.  This raises concerns about the potential for Suboxone to be abused by those without a genuine need for it.  I was one of those people that abused Suboxone without an actual need for it.  Don’t get me wrong, I shot dope when I wasn’t able to find my drugs of choice (Benzodiazepines and Alcohol).  I never developed a serious dope habit to the point where Suboxone was necessary.  Whenever I used Suboxone it was solely to get high off it. The financial aspect of Suboxone treatment also fuels controversy. The cost of the medication itself, along with doctor visits and counseling, can be substantial, potentially limiting access for those without comprehensive insurance coverage.  This financial burden leaves some individuals without the resources they need to recover effectively.  The controversy surrounding Suboxone also touches on societal perceptions and stigma.  Some critics argue that relying on medication-assisted treatment like Suboxone perpetuates the belief that individuals with substance use disorders cannot achieve recovery without pharmaceutical support.  This viewpoint may undermine the efforts of those successfully utilizing Suboxone to rebuild their lives, as it places an unnecessary burden of stigma on them.  Several friends of mine struggled with opioid addiction and were on Suboxone for many, many years.  I watched them try to get off it, but they struggled very much to do so, even when they were properly tapering.  They often said it was the hardest drug to kick by a landslide - worse than Opiates, worse than alcohol.  I had kicked both of those drugs numerous times in the past, and they were brutal, so I wanted to never have to experience a Suboxone detox.  The controversy surrounding Suboxone reflects the complexity of addressing the opioid epidemic and addiction treatment.  While concerns about dependence, misuse, and societal perceptions are valid, it is essential to recognize Suboxone's benefits in aiding recovery, reducing withdrawal symptoms, and improving treatment retention.  A comprehensive approach that combines medication-assisted treatment with therapy and support is necessary to navigate the controversy effectively.  By balancing the potential benefits and concerns, healthcare professionals, policymakers, and society at large can work towards a more inclusive and effective approach to combating opioid addiction.

Harm reduction is a pragmatic and compassionate approach to addressing substance abuse that prioritizes minimizing the negative consequences associated with drug use, rather than solely focusing on abstinence.  Traditional approaches to addressing substance abuse have often centered on abstinence-based models, which, while effective for some individuals, may not be suitable or realistic for all. Harm reduction, as an alternative approach, emphasizes pragmatic strategies aimed at minimizing the negative consequences of substance use without necessarily requiring immediate cessation.  It’s extremely important to remember that the road to recovery is not always linear, and some individuals may find it challenging to achieve complete abstinence immediately. Suboxone offers a harm-reduction solution that keeps individuals engaged in treatment, thereby reducing the likelihood of relapse and its accompanying dangers.  This pragmatic stance does not dismiss the concerns associated with Suboxone but rather evaluates its impact within the larger context of addiction.  The focus shifts from debating the merits of medication-assisted treatment to acknowledging the lives that can be saved and transformed through harm reduction strategies like Suboxone.  By preventing overdose deaths and the spread of infectious diseases, Suboxone serves as a lifeline for individuals who might otherwise remain trapped in a cycle of despair and danger.  To fully embrace the harm reduction potential of Suboxone, a comprehensive approach is essential.  This involves coupling Suboxone treatment with counseling, therapy, and support services.  The goal is to provide individuals with the tools to rebuild their lives, addressing not only the physical aspects of addiction but also the underlying psychological and social factors. Education also plays a pivotal role in this approach.  Ensuring that individuals, healthcare providers, and communities are well informed about the benefits and limitations of Suboxone is crucial for destigmatizing its use and promoting responsible administration. When the narrative shifts from judgment to understanding, individuals are more likely to seek help and stay engaged in their recovery journey.  If Suboxone is what is keeping a needle loaded with heroin or fentanyl out of your arm, then I'm all for it.  This idea recognizes the need for harm reduction strategies in the face of the opioid crisis.  Suboxone's role in minimizing immediate risks, preventing overdose deaths, and reducing disease transmission aligns with the principles of harm reduction.  This perspective reframes the conversation, emphasizing the value of saving lives and empowering individuals to take steps toward recovery, even if they are not yet ready for complete abstinence.

While Suboxone has proven to be a valuable tool in harm reduction and aiding individuals on their path to recovery, concerns about its potential for misuse and the perpetuation of dependence cannot be dismissed. Striking a balance between providing accessible treatment options and preventing unintended consequences remains a challenge that requires ongoing research, policy refinement, and collaboration between medical professionals, policymakers, and advocacy groups. As society continues to grapple with the complexities of addiction, a comprehensive and compassionate approach that considers all aspects of the issue will be crucial in finding solutions that prioritize both individual well-being and public health.

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to spread awareness today.

29. Suboxone

Dealing with substance abuse disorders can be really complicated, but there's some good news.  Specialized medicines have been developed to tackle the tough challenges these disorders bring.  These new medications offer a glimmer of hope in the often overwhelming and daunting world of addiction treatment.  As we examine these medicines that are designed to fight substance abuse disorders, we're also exploring how they can help people on their journey to recovery. One of the medicines most prescribed to help combat opioid dependence and addiction is Suboxone.  It is a powerful tool for treating addiction. Suboxone eases withdrawal symptoms and cravings and guides people toward stability, strength, and better well-being.  This week, I’d like to examine what Suboxone is made of, how it works, and some benefits it offers.

Suboxone contains two main ingredients: Buprenorphine and Naloxone. Each of these components serves a specific purpose in the treatment process.  Buprenorphine is an ingredient in Suboxone that is classified as a partial agonist because it binds to opioid receptors in the brain, which are involved in pain relief and other functions, however, it only activates them partially resulting in a much milder response. In the context of opioid receptors in the brain, a full agonist, like heroin or painkillers, would fully activate the receptor, leading to a strong response, like pain relief and/or euphoria. Naloxone is the ingredient in Suboxone that is classified as a full antagonist.  Unlike Buprenorphine, Naloxone binds strongly to opioid receptors without activating them. Instead, it competes with opioids for receptor binding, effectively displacing opioids from the receptors and reversing their effects.  When taken as directed (sublingually, under the tongue), Suboxone doesn’t cause an intense high because it has a limited effect due to poor absorption; however, if it is misused by being injected, the Naloxone will cause withdrawal symptoms, discouraging further misuse.  Suboxone is usually part of a comprehensive treatment plan that involves counseling, therapy, and support services. It's not meant to be the only solution, but rather a tool in the “toolbox” to help in the recovery journey from opioid addiction.  It’s extremely important to always follow your doctor's guidance when using Suboxone, or any prescribed medication for that matter.

Suboxone has several potential benefits when used alongside a comprehensive treatment plan.  Suboxone's composition addresses both the physical cravings and withdrawal symptoms associated with opioid addiction while deterring misuse.  It can greatly reduce the discomfort of withdrawal symptoms when someone stops using opioids, helping to make the early stages of recovery more bearable. Suboxone also helps decrease the intense cravings for opioids, which often trigger a relapse.  Suboxone provides a stable and consistent level of medication in the body due to its long-lasting effect.  It ensures a controlled and gradual transition away from stronger opioids which can help people avoid the extreme ups and downs linked to the use of full opioids, helping to promote emotional stability.  Suboxone is a partial opioid, so the risk of overdose is much lower than that of a full opioid (heroin, painkillers).  This creates a safer environment during recovery.  Suboxone treatment should act as a bridge to abstinence by helping people stabilize their lives and make necessary behavioral changes before gradually reducing the medication under medical supervision.

By supporting individuals in their journey toward sobriety, Suboxone plays a pivotal role in curbing the opioid epidemic and fostering lasting recovery.  When Suboxone treatment is combined with counseling, therapy, and support services it can boost the chances of sustained recovery.  It's crucial to remember that while Suboxone has lots of potential benefits, it's not a one-size-fits-all solution.  The decision to use Suboxone or any prescribed medication, should be made with guidance from a qualified healthcare provider.

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to spread awareness today.

28. A Letter to My Mother

“Dear Mom,

I am writing this letter to apologize for everything I have put you through.  This is the first time in years I finally have a drug-free and clear mind.  Every day here, all I can think about is how poorly I’ve treated you for the past twenty-something years.  I know this letter isn’t much, but I will be trying to make up for all the hurt I’ve ever put you through for the rest of my life.  I’ve said some truly horrible things to you while I was under the influence, and while I was sober.  There is no excuse, sober or not.  I’ve been self-medicating to mask underlying issues that I’ve struggled with for a very long time, not even realizing how that was going to f*** me up in the long run.  It turned me into someone different from, “your Kyle.”  Thinking back, I don’t even realize how I said some of those things that I said to you.  I never realized how hurtful some of the things I said were.  I want you to know that I did not mean ANY of it.  I can’t take it back, but I can turn my life around for you and myself.  You gave me life but also saved my life by pushing me to get help.  Rehab is the best decision I’ve ever made.  Had it not been suggested, I may have drugged myself to death.  I will forever try to make it up to you from here on out and I am SO sorry for all the trouble and pain I have put you through.  I love you SO much, you don’t even know.

Love Kyle”

On March 7, 2018, while I was sitting in the confines of my first-ever inpatient rehab program, I felt an overwhelming urge to reach out to one person who had always been there for me - my mother.  With pen in hand, I poured my heart onto the paper, determined to express my sincerest apologies and intentions to turn my life around.  Little did I know that the letter I wrote that day would remain hidden, untouched, and unsent for years to come.  It was only recently, as I was cleaning out my closet at my mother's house, that I stumbled upon this heartbreaking piece of my past.  As I unfolded the crinkled pages, a wave of emotions washed over me.  Regret, guilt, and a glimmer of hope filled my heart.  It was a snapshot of the person I used to be - a person deeply wounded by addiction but still clinging to the possibility of redemption.  The reason I never gave my mother this letter became apparent as I retraced my tumultuous journey.  You see, I left that initial rehab program and immediately transferred to long-term inpatient rehab.  And yet, even within the walls of this long-term program, I couldn't resist the allure of escapism through drugs.  Against medical advice, I left the long-term program after a mere two days.  My return home marked the beginning of a heartbreaking cycle: attending rehab, promising myself and others that I would change, only to succumb to the clutches of addiction, sometimes within hours.  Amid my struggles, I wrote this letter with utmost sincerity.  Each word bore the weight of my desperate desire to conquer my demons, to cleanse myself of the addiction that had held me captive for far too long.  I truly meant every apology, every expression of remorse, and every promise of change.  Yet, the grip of addiction proved stronger than my willpower, leading me astray for nearly three more agonizing years.

Today, with the wisdom of hindsight, I comprehend the true extent of addiction's reach.  It is a monstrous force that not only ravages the life of the addict but also inflicts immense pain on those who love them. My mother, bless her heart, bore the brunt of my addiction, experiencing the full force of my destructive behavior.  She weathered every storm, endured every heartbreak, and shouldered every burden that my addiction brought upon her.  While I sought refuge in drugs, attempting to numb the unbearable weight of emotions, my mother bravely faced the reality of my addiction without respite.  The pain and suffering I inflicted upon her were felt far beyond my comprehension.  In those moments when I penned that letter, I could not fathom the scope of addiction's impact on loved ones.  But today, I see it with crystal clear clarity.  Addiction engulfs entire families, leaving scars that may take a lifetime to heal.

As I look back on that letter, I can't help but wonder how different things might have been if I had been able to stay true to my intentions.  If only I had possessed the strength to defeat my demons sooner, to spare my mother from the unrelenting pain she endured.  But addiction is a relentless adversary, a monster that skews perceptions and distorts judgment.  Now, as I confront my past and the harsh reality of my actions, I strive to be a source of support and hope for others trapped in the clutches of addiction.  I share my story not to seek forgiveness or pity but to remind everyone that addiction extends its tentacles far beyond the addicted individual.

To those struggling with addiction, I implore you to seek help, to find the strength to reclaim your life before it's too late.  And to the loved ones of addicts, I extend my deepest empathy and understanding.  Addiction may have cast a dark shadow on my past, but I am determined to emerge from it, not just for myself but for the one who never stopped believing in me - my mother.

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to spread awareness today.