72. The Importance of Stepping Outside of Your Comfort Zone

On June 8th, 2023 I gave a TED Talk in the Goshen High School.  Giving a TED Talk was something I never imagined myself doing, especially about a topic as personal as my struggles with substance abuse and the hard-won journey of recovery.  Standing on that stage, looking out at a sea of family, friends, and strangers, I felt exposed, vulnerable, and intensely self-conscious.  For most of my life, I had been reserved when it came to sharing deeply personal stories, especially ones that revealed my darkest moments.  Yet, there I was, sharing the hardest parts of myself with an audience in hopes that my story could make a difference.  This experience not only pushed me far beyond the bounds of my comfort zone but it also reminded me of the importance of challenging ourselves to grow, even when it feels uncomfortable.

For many years, I tried to hide my struggles with addiction.  I believed that keeping my personal life private would protect me from judgment or stigma.  I feared being defined solely by my addiction rather than by who I am as a person.  When I was approached to speak about my recovery, my first reaction was to decline.  My instinct was to avoid the spotlight, to keep my journey confined to those closest to me.  I worried that sharing my story on such a public platform would leave me vulnerable to criticism and misjudgment.  However, as I reflected on the impact that my experiences might have on others, I began to see how stepping out of my comfort zone and embracing this opportunity could potentially inspire someone facing similar battles.

Preparing for the TED Talk was, in itself, a journey.  I had to confront the uncomfortable emotions and memories that accompanied my story. Recounting the lowest points of my addiction felt like reopening wounds that I had worked so hard to heal.  However, this exercise in vulnerability also brought me to a deeper understanding of my resilience and growth.  It reminded me of how far I had come, not just in recovery but in reclaiming my life.  Sharing my story helped me find a sense of purpose within my struggles; I wasn’t just speaking for myself but also for others who might feel isolated in their battles with addiction.  This experience reaffirmed that, while comfort zones provide a sense of security, true growth often happens when we step outside them.

There is an undeniable importance to stepping outside our comfort zones throughout life and giving this TED Talk underscored that truth for me.  Staying within the boundaries of what feels safe can keep us from discovering our true potential.  Growth is seldom comfortable, but it’s in the discomfort where we learn, adapt, and expand.  This principle is particularly vital in recovery, where routines and habits are often shaken up as we work to redefine our lives.  By embracing the unknown and confronting our fears, we equip ourselves with the strength to handle future challenges.

One of the most compelling reasons to challenge ourselves to step out of our comfort zones is that it builds resilience.  Facing my fears head-on and sharing my story with a room full of people gave me a newfound strength.  I realized that if I could open up about my struggles with addiction in front of anyone, I could handle whatever came my way.  Resilience is an essential quality, particularly in recovery, because setbacks and challenges are inevitable.  Building this mental and emotional toughness enables us to navigate life’s uncertainties with a sense of confidence and resolve.  In my case, the TED Talk became a moment of empowerment, transforming my vulnerability into a source of strength.

Stepping outside of one’s comfort zone also fosters empathy and connection.  By sharing my story publicly, I connected with people I might not have otherwise.  My story resonated with others who had struggled with addiction, as well as with those who had friends or family members going through similar experiences.  This sense of connection was both humbling and uplifting, reminding me of the power of shared humanity.  Often, we believe that our struggles isolate us when, in reality, they can bring us closer to others who have gone through similar trials.  My TED Talk served as a bridge, bringing people together to acknowledge and support one another.

Another critical aspect of venturing beyond our comfort zones is that it challenges us to redefine our self-perceptions.  For much of my life, I viewed myself as a private person, reluctant to open up about my experiences.  Taking the stage to speak about my recovery journey shattered that self-imposed boundary.  I saw myself in a new light, as someone capable of courage and openness, and this realization allowed me to redefine who I am.  Self-discovery is an ongoing process, and pushing ourselves into new experiences helps us see parts of ourselves that we may not have known existed otherwise.  For me, giving this TED Talk was a step towards a fuller, more authentic version of myself.

Ultimately, stepping out of our comfort zones is an opportunity to contribute something meaningful to the world.  When we face our fears, we often do so for reasons greater than ourselves.  For me, this meant sharing my story in hopes that it might inspire or help others.  Whether it reached someone currently struggling with addiction, a family member looking for hope, or anyone in need of encouragement to face their own challenges, my TED Talk was a way to give back.  This experience reinforced my belief that our most challenging experiences can often serve as a guiding light for others.  By stepping beyond our comfort zones, we can make a positive impact on the lives of others, creating ripples of change that extend far beyond ourselves.

Giving a TED Talk on my recovery journey was one of the most challenging and transformative experiences of my life.  It pushed me to confront my fears, embrace vulnerability, and share a part of myself I had always guarded.  This experience not only helped me grow as an individual but also reminded me of the importance of pushing beyond comfort zones.  Life’s greatest rewards often lie beyond the edges of what feels familiar, and by taking those leaps, we become stronger, more empathetic, and more connected to those around us.  While stepping out of our comfort zones may be difficult, it is a vital part of growth, resilience, and living a life of purpose.

If you're interested in watching my TEDxGoshen Talk, you can find it here on my website.  Simply click the "TEDxGoshen" tab at the top of the page, and it will take you directly to the video.  I hope you find it meaningful—thank you for watching!

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to help spread awareness today.

71. How Coaching Youth Soccer Has Strengthened My Recovery

I’ve been fortunate enough to coach youth soccer since 2018. Coaching youth soccer is more than just a job for me; it’s a profession that brings purpose and joy into my daily life.  Working with young athletes and watching them develop their skills, both on and off the field, is deeply rewarding.  I spend my days creating training sessions, strategizing for games, and fostering an environment that values teamwork, resilience, and respect.  Each day, I’m not only teaching them the fundamentals of soccer but also instilling life lessons that they can carry with them beyond the field.  Knowing that I play a role in their growth and development gives me a sense of pride and fulfillment that fuels my passion for coaching.

Engaging in coaching youth soccer has provided me with a renewed sense of purpose, stability, and accountability in my recovery from substance abuse.  In many ways, guiding young players has offered a sense of redemption and personal growth that I hadn’t anticipated. The unique demands of coaching—requiring patience, empathy, dedication, and a focus on improvement—have become instrumental in my sobriety journey.  Working with young athletes has deepened my resolve, helped me build resilience, and allowed me to forge a stronger, more compassionate version of myself.

One of my biggest challenges in early recovery was re-establishing a healthy structure.  Addictive behaviors often lead to chaotic routines, where life becomes centered around alcohol and drugs while everything else gets neglected.  Recovery, on the other hand, relies heavily on creating new, healthier habits.  Coaching youth soccer has given me a steady routine that I look forward to, providing the kind of structure necessary to keep my recovery on track.  Regular practices, team meetings, and match days require discipline, consistency, and the ability to plan ahead—all qualities that contribute to the development of a reliable structure in my life.

This routine, however, is about more than just scheduling; it’s also about embracing accountability. As a coach, I am not just responsible for showing up, but also for setting an example for my players. Knowing that a team of young athletes is looking up to me keeps me grounded and reinforces the importance of staying committed to my own recovery.  They rely on me not just for soccer guidance but as someone they can trust, learn from, and be inspired by.  This sense of responsibility has become an anchor that reminds me daily of why I need to stay on this path of sobriety.

Self-worth can be one of the first casualties of addiction, as it often leads to self-destructive behaviors, guilt, and feelings of unworthiness. Recovery is a journey of re-establishing one’s self-respect, and coaching has played an essential role in that process for me.  Each time I step onto the field with my players, I have an opportunity to contribute something meaningful to their lives. Witnessing their growth, celebrating their successes, and helping them navigate challenges has given me a renewed sense of purpose.

Moreover, coaching is an inherently selfless activity; it’s about helping others become the best version of themselves.  This shift away from focusing on my struggles and instead investing in the growth of others has provided me with a different perspective on my own healing.  By empowering young athletes, I am indirectly empowering myself, building a foundation of self-worth rooted in positive contributions rather than past mistakes.

Youth soccer, much like recovery, is filled with highs and lows.  Just as players encounter defeats, injuries, and personal setbacks, I too face challenges in maintaining my sobriety and working through the scars of my past.  In coaching my players to handle these setbacks gracefully and bounce back with renewed determination, I am constantly reminded of the importance of resilience in my own life. Teaching resilience has been a healing experience for me.  I emphasize to my players that mistakes are part of growth, that setbacks are temporary, and that each game is an opportunity to improve.  These lessons aren’t just for them; they’re daily reminders to myself that recovery is a journey of perseverance.  Watching my players grow through challenges, and knowing I’ve played a part in helping them stay positive, has reinforced my belief in my own ability to overcome.

Addiction is often characterized by isolation, whereas recovery flourishes in connection.  Coaching youth soccer has brought me into contact with parents, other coaches, and, of course, the players themselves.  Together, we form a small community built on trust, mutual goals, and support.  The parents, particularly, have become a network of allies in my journey.  They understand the commitment I’m making to their children and offer encouragement in subtle yet significant ways.

The players, too, have unexpectedly become a community of support. Their eagerness, their joy for the game, and their inherent positivity serve as a reminder that life is still full of good things.  I have come to value these connections as part of a larger support system that extends beyond the field, and I know these relationships are vital for my ongoing commitment to sobriety.

In my recovery, I’ve wrestled with feelings of guilt and self-doubt. Coaching youth soccer has helped me address these issues in a healthier way.  When I see my players make mistakes or struggle, I approach them with kindness and constructive feedback.  This has been a revelation to me—if I can show such compassion to others, perhaps I can learn to extend the same kindness to myself.  Learning to forgive myself, allow for mistakes, and celebrate small victories are lessons I’ve started to internalize through coaching.  These kids remind me that growth isn’t a linear path but a series of attempts, adjustments, and continuous improvement.  As a coach, I have to remind myself that I’m on the same path, and I, too, deserve patience and understanding as I navigate my own struggles.

Sobriety can be daunting, but coaching has reintroduced moments of pure joy into my life.  Seeing a player achieve a skill they’ve been working on or watching the team celebrate a hard-fought win provides a rush of happiness that is hard to describe.  These small moments of triumph, laughter, and camaraderie are reminders of life’s simple pleasures.  In those moments, I realize how far I’ve come.  I no longer seek fleeting highs from alcohol and drugs, but rather, I find fulfillment in the joy of others and in the satisfaction of a job well done. Coaching youth soccer has shown me that recovery isn’t just about abstaining from something; it’s about rediscovering the many things that make life rich and meaningful.

Coaching has become more than just an activity—it’s a mission that has redefined my identity and my goals. It’s a role that requires me to be patient, present, and committed, reinforcing my dedication to staying sober. By investing in my players, I am investing in my own growth and recovery. Each practice, each game, and each conversation is a reminder that I have the power to not only change my own life but also positively impact others. Through coaching, I have found a renewed purpose that sustains my commitment to recovery. These young athletes may never know how much they’ve helped me on this journey, but their impact on my life is profound. In guiding them, I am guiding myself—toward resilience, self-worth, and a future free from the chains of addiction.

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to help spread awareness today.

70. Rediscovering Connection

Recovery is a journey filled with twists and turns, each one challenging us to grow in ways we never thought possible.  For so long, I found myself confined by my self-imposed boundaries, wary of stepping outside the safety of my carefully constructed world.  Just this past week, I did something that forced me to stretch those boundaries—something so simple, yet profound.  I went out to eat with a lady that I hadn’t seen since high school.

That afternoon, I found myself at a table with Kelly.  We went to high school together.  She was one year younger than me.  We were friendly in high school however, we never hung out together.  She had reached out after seeing a post I’d shared about my recovery journey.  Her message was filled with warmth and curiosity, and she suggested we catch up.  I hesitated again—the same anxieties bubbling to the surface.  Our lunch was different in tone but just as meaningful.  Her eyes lit up as she described the people she’d met and the perspectives she’d gained since high school.  Her openness inspired me, and I found myself sharing parts of my journey I hadn’t spoken about in a long time. We talked about the resilience it takes to rebuild a life, the importance of self-compassion, and the joy of finding purpose in unexpected places.

The first outing started with a message that was casual but sincere. Kelly reached out, mentioning she’d love to catch up over lunch.  My first reaction was hesitation.  High school was over a decade ago, and we were both vastly different people now.  Besides, I had spent so much of my recovery journey focused on mending my present that revisiting the past felt like a detour I wasn’t ready for. But something about the invitation tugged at me—a whisper urging me to embrace the unknown. So, I hesitantly said yes.

The day of the lunch, anxiety hit me like a freight train.  What would we even talk about?  I knew she wouldn’t judge me for my struggles, but would she see me as the person I’ve been working hard to become?  I reminded myself of the promises I’d made in recovery: to remain open to new experiences, to rebuild connections, and to allow myself to grow. With that in mind, I stepped into the restaurant, greeted by Kelly’s warm smile.  From the moment we sat down, any lingering nerves melted away.  Kelly was exactly as I remembered her—kind, intelligent, and refreshingly down-to-earth.  We started with small talk, catching up on the basics: careers, families, and the quirks of adulting.  But soon, our conversation ventured into deeper waters, touching on the twists and turns our lives had taken since high school.  As we shared our stories, I realized how vastly different our paths had been and yet how much they overlapped.  We talked about perspectives—on love, failure, and the search for meaning.  Kelly spoke about her struggles balancing career ambitions with personal fulfillment.  And then, when it came time to share my story, I hesitated.  But as I looked across the table at someone who genuinely seemed to care, I found the courage to open up.  I spoke about my struggles with addiction, the shame of relapses, and the hope I’d found in recovery. I half-expected awkward silence or thinly veiled pity, but instead, she listened with empathy and grace.

What struck me most about this lunch was how different Kelly was from the crowd I used to run with. My past social circle, in active addiction, had often mirrored my worst impulses, enabling behaviors that kept me stuck in a cycle of self-destruction.  Sitting across from Kelly, I felt a sharp contrast—her energy was uplifting, and her curiosity about life was contagious.  She was someone who sought out growth, embraced challenges, and genuinely cared about the world around her.  It wasn’t the kind of crowd I’d typically found myself in, but it was the kind of crowd I wanted to be part of now.

As I left lunch, I noticed how much lighter I felt.  The weight of my insecurities, the fear of judgment—all of it seemed to dissipate.  In its place was a quiet sense of belonging, a feeling I hadn’t experienced in a long time.  For the first time in ages, I wasn’t just surviving; I was living. I was connecting, laughing, and learning.  This outing was a small step, but it was monumental in what it represented.  It reminded me that stepping outside of my box doesn’t mean abandoning who I am. It means expanding my understanding of who I can be.  It means opening myself up to the possibility that the world is kinder, more forgiving, and more full of surprises than I often give it credit for.

Since that afternoon, I’ve made a conscious effort to keep stepping outside my box.  I’ve sought out conversations with people who challenge me, who inspire me, and who remind me that growth happens in the unfamiliar.  Recovery has taught me that life isn’t meant to be lived within the confines of our fears or past mistakes.  It’s meant to be explored, experienced, and shared.  I’m learning to see myself through new eyes—not just as someone in recovery but as someone capable of building a rich, meaningful life.  As I continue this journey, I carry with me the lessons of that afternoon: the power of connection, the importance of perspective, and the joy of rediscovering the world—one step, one lunch, and one laugh at a time.

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to help spread awareness today.

69. A New Meaning to the Word Gratitude

Gratitude.  It’s a simple word, but its weight has never been heavier, its meaning never clearer than since I returned home from treatment.  I suppose that’s the first thing I need to express gratitude for—the opportunity to feel grateful at all.  There was a time when I didn’t think I’d make it to this point, a time when the haze of addiction clouded everything in my life.  I couldn’t see clearly, and I couldn’t appreciate the good things that had been there all along.  Now, on the other side of treatment, I can see the people who’ve stood by me, the second chances I’ve been given, and the simple joys that I had lost sight of.  All those things continue to fill me with an overwhelming sense of gratitude.

Coming home wasn’t easy.  I returned to a life that I had nearly destroyed, to relationships I had damaged, and to a sense of deep responsibility to make things right.  In the midst of that, my family welcomed me back with open arms.  They didn’t have to.  I certainly wouldn’t have blamed them if they had needed more time, or if they had put up walls to protect themselves from being hurt again. Yet, here they are, showing me love, support, and an understanding that I can never fully repay.  I feel gratitude for my family in a way I can’t fully put into words.  They are the bedrock of my recovery, the foundation that steadies me when the ground beneath me feels shaky.  There were nights in rehab when I wondered if I could ever mend the hurt I caused them.  I wasn’t sure they’d ever truly be able to trust me again.  Coming home and feeling their love wasn’t just reassuring—it was lifesaving. Every hug, every word of encouragement, and even their silence when words fell short is a reminder that love can be unconditional, that it can endure, and that it can heal.  I am grateful for every ounce of patience, every conversation, and for their presence in my life, which I had taken for granted so many times before.

Then there are the readers of my column.  I was so afraid of how my honesty and my openness about my relapse would be received.  When I relapsed, I knew I’d let so many people down, not just my family and friends but also the readers who had followed my journey and sent messages of hope all along.  I didn’t know what to expect when I returned to my writing.  I feared judgment, disappointment, and maybe even scorn.  Instead, I was met with kindness and empathy.  The outpouring of support from my readers, the way they have continued to stand by me when I stumble, has been a source of strength beyond what I could have ever imagined.  I am grateful for every email, every comment, every note of encouragement.  People I’ve never even met have shown me a level of compassion that I don’t think I deserve but that I’m deeply, deeply thankful for.  Their belief in my ability to recover, and in my worth as a person despite my mistakes has given me the courage to keep going on the hardest days.  As humans, sometimes we forget how powerful words can be, but the words of my readers have helped me rebuild myself, one step at a time.  For that, I owe you all more than I can ever express.

I also have to talk about the gratitude I feel for the gentleman I work for. He didn’t have to take me back. He had every reason to turn me away, to protect his business and himself from someone who had clearly made more than a few mistakes.  He didn’t do that.  He immediately opened the door for me to return to work, reclaim some sense of normalcy, and contribute in a meaningful way again. That act of grace didn’t just give me a job—it gave me back a sense of purpose, a belief that I could still be trusted and still be valuable, even after stumbling and falling.  I’m thankful for his trust, his patience, and for the opportunity to prove that I’m more than my past mistakes.  I’m determined to show up every day, not just for him but for myself, to live up to the second chance he gave me.  He didn’t have to extend that chance, and I know that.  I’m grateful every day that he did, and I won’t let that go to waste.

I am also deeply grateful for Wendy Bynum, the woman who has continued to give me the opportunity to document my journey in the Independent Republican.  In a world where so many people shy away from uncomfortable truths, Wendy has embraced mine and given me a platform to share my story with honesty and vulnerability. She didn’t have to keep that door open for me, especially after my relapse, but she did—and for that, I am endlessly thankful.  Her belief in the importance of telling these stories and of giving voice to the complexities of recovery has been a crucial part of my healing. Wendy’s trust in me has allowed me to share my journey and help others who are walking similar paths.

Lastly, I’m grateful for this moment where I’m able to reflect on everything and truly feel it.  Gratitude is something I overlooked for so long, caught up in the chaos of addiction and the constant pursuit of something to numb the pain.  Now, sobriety has given me the clarity to appreciate life in ways I never could have before.  I’m grateful for every morning I wake up without the weight of shame, for every small victory in this recovery process, and even for the setbacks that have taught me how strong I can be.

Gratitude doesn’t erase the past, and it doesn’t make this journey easy, but it does make it bearable. It reminds me of what’s important.  It keeps me focused on the people who matter, on the things that really count, and on the person I want to be.  I am far from perfect, and I still have a long way to go, but if I’ve learned anything, it’s that I don’t have to walk this road alone.  I have family, friends, readers, and colleagues who are walking it with me, and for that, I am profoundly grateful.

Gratitude has become the light that guides me as I continue to find my way forward.  Gratitude is no longer just a word to me.  It’s a lifeline.

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to help spread awareness today.

68. Learning To Live With Regrets

Regret is a heavy word.  It's a burden that weighs down the soul, a shadow that lingers long after the darkest days have passed.  I have known that weight intimately, especially from my time in active addiction.  Those were the days when I lost myself, made choices that I will never be proud of, and hurt people I deeply cared for.  The pain of those memories—the lives I affected, the promises I broke—can be overwhelming.  What I’ve come to understand is that while regret can be paralyzing, it doesn’t have to be.  It doesn’t have to stop my recovery, and today, I refuse to let it.  This is my story of living with regret and learning to rise above it.

In active addiction, life becomes a blur.  Time slips through your fingers, and before you know it, years have passed with nothing to show but broken relationships, shattered dreams, and a drained bank account.  I wasn’t immune to that.  I remember the lies I told my family—the constant reassurances that I had it under control, that I was "just fine."  I remember my friends pulling away, one by one, exhausted by my unpredictability, tired of the empty promises I kept making to "get better tomorrow."  There were moments when I wanted to believe I could stop, but addiction has a way of pulling you deeper into a cycle of self-destruction and deceit.

One of my greatest regrets is the impact my addiction had on my family.  The disappointment in their eyes when I showed up late, or not at all, to family gatherings, the way my promises became meaningless over time because I failed to follow through.  It wasn’t just the big things I missed—birthdays, holidays, or important events—it was the everyday moments that slowly disappeared.  I became distant, unavailable, a ghost in the lives of people who loved me most and while they tried to reach me, I was too consumed by my addiction to let them in.

I often think about my parents, who stood by me despite the pain I caused them.  The sleepless nights they spent worrying about where I was, whether I was alive or dead.  The sacrifices they made to support me, even when I wasn’t ready to accept help.  The guilt of letting them down is something that lingers in my heart, even now.  And then there’s my sister, who looked up to me once, but as time went on, I became a stranger to her.  I missed out on watching her grow into the incredible person she is today because I was too wrapped up in my own chaos.

The regret I carry from those days is like a permanent scar—it's a part of me now, and I will never be able to undo the hurt I caused.  In my worst moments, those memories threatened to swallow me whole.  The guilt, especially about Chris, has been unbearable at times.  I let him down, I let myself down, and I let everyone who believed in me down.  It feels like there’s a relentless voice in my head, constantly replaying my failures, highlighting every missed chance to turn things around, and reminding me of the people I’ve hurt along the way.

There’s a specific type of loneliness that comes from pushing people away, from shutting yourself off from those who love you most because you are too ashamed to let them see how far you've fallen.  I lived in that loneliness for a long time.  Even after getting sober, that sense of regret lingers. It followed me around like a dark cloud, always threatening to pull me back into the abyss.

It wasn’t until my most recent relapse, when I checked myself into Bon Secours Hospital for detox, that I truly began to confront those feelings head-on.  I hit rock bottom again, and as much as it hurt, it was also the moment of clarity I needed.  I couldn’t run from the past anymore.  I had to face it, and that’s when I realized that if I didn’t learn how to live with my regrets, they would destroy me.  I had to find a way to move forward—not by forgetting what I had done, but by finding forgiveness and understanding in myself.

In recovery, I’ve learned that regret is part of the healing process.  It’s the mind’s way of acknowledging the harm that’s been done, but it’s also a way to grow.  Regret can serve as a powerful motivator if you let it.  Instead of letting the pain of the past paralyze me, I’ve started using it to drive me forward.  Every day, I remind myself that I have the power to change and become someone better.  I can’t change what I did during my active addiction, but I can control what I do now.  Today I choose to heal.  I choose to make amends, not just to the people I hurt but to myself.

One of the hardest steps has been forgiving myself.  Self-forgiveness doesn’t come easy, especially when you feel like you don’t deserve it. For a long time, I didn’t think I was worthy of happiness or recovery.  I’ve learned that clinging to that belief only keeps you stuck.  It’s a form of self-punishment, and it keeps you tethered to the past.  In group therapy sessions, I’ve talked about these feelings with others who’ve been in the same place and hearing their stories has helped me realize that I’m not alone.  We all carry regrets, but we all have the capacity for change.

Part of my healing has been finding ways to make things right where I can.  For my family, it’s about being present again, showing up for them consistently, and proving through my actions that I’m committed to my recovery.  For my friends, it’s about rebuilding trust, one step at a time, and owning up to the hurt I caused.  As for Chris, I can never bring him back, but I honor his memory by staying sober and continuing to fight this battle for both of us.  In my moments of weakness, I think of him, and it gives me strength to keep going.  Recovery isn’t a straight line, and neither is working through regret.  There are days when the weight of my past feels too heavy to bear.  On those days, I allow myself to feel the grief, the sadness, and the pain, but I don’t let it drown me.  I remind myself that every day I wake up sober is a victory.

Regret is powerful, but so is hope.  I hold onto that now.  I’m learning to live in the present, to focus on the person I’m becoming rather than the person I used to be.  Yes, I have regrets from my time in active addiction.  They will always be a part of my story, but I am more than my mistakes.  I am someone who is trying, every single day, to make things right, and that’s what ultimately matters.  In this journey, I’m finding peace—not by forgetting the past, but by using it to fuel my future. I am no longer paralyzed by my regrets.  Instead, I am learning to rise above them, one day at a time.

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to help spread awareness today.

67. Acclimating To Life After Returning Home From Treatment

It’s been a month and a half since I returned home from rehab, and it feels like I'm learning to live all over again.  Everything is the same but also completely different.  There’s an odd sense of disconnection as I try to acclimate to a life I once knew so well, yet it feels like I’m walking through it for the first time.  When I left for treatment, I wasn’t sure how I’d feel coming back.  Part of me feared I’d fall right back into old habits, that the pull of my former life would be too strong to resist.  Another part of me was excited to start over, to finally live the life I’d wanted but couldn’t quite grasp because of addiction.

Now that I’m here, it’s both harder and easier than I imagined.  Easier in the sense that the cravings aren’t as overpowering as they were when I first got clean.  Harder because there’s a new level of responsibility I carry with me, and every day feels like a test of my willpower and commitment.  I can’t afford to let my guard down, but at the same time, I’m learning how to live without feeling like I’m constantly in crisis mode.

Returning to work has been one of the most grounding parts of this journey so far.  I didn’t realize how important having a routine was until I got back to my job.  Work provides structure, a sense of purpose, and an anchor to my day-to-day life.  During rehab, every moment was accounted for—group sessions, therapy, meals, exercise.  There was always something to keep me occupied.  I worried that without that structure, I’d fall apart when I came home but work has filled that gap, giving me a reason to keep moving forward.

At first, it was daunting.  Going back to work after months away felt like stepping into a world that had moved on without me.  I was nervous about how people would see me—would they notice the changes, would they judge me, would they still trust me?  Thankfully, those fears faded quickly once I got into the swing of things.  My coworkers have been surprisingly supportive, though I haven’t been completely open with everyone about where I’ve been or what I’ve gone through.  Only a few close colleagues, my boss being one of them, know the truth, and they’ve been incredibly understanding. It’s comforting to know that I don’t have to face everything alone, even when I’m not fully transparent with everyone.

What I didn’t expect was how therapeutic working could be.  There’s something about staying busy, being productive, and having clear goals that helps me stay focused on my recovery.  When I’m at work, I don’t have time to dwell on my past mistakes or get lost in regret.  I have tasks to complete, people to help, and projects to finish.  It gives me a sense of accomplishment and reminds me that I’m capable, even after everything I’ve been through.  In a way, work is a form of therapy—it’s a place where I can prove to myself that I’m still valuable, that I can contribute, and that I’m more than just my struggles.

But it’s not all smooth sailing.  Some days, the weight of everything catches up with me.  There are moments when I feel overwhelmed by the responsibility of staying sober, maintaining relationships, and keeping up with the demands of my job.  On those days, it’s tempting to shut down or escape into unhealthy thoughts, but I’ve learned that reaching out for support is key.  I’ve stayed in touch with some of the people I met in rehab, and we check in on each other regularly.  Having a community of people who understand exactly what I’m going through has been a lifeline.  Even though I’m home and out of the structured environment of treatment, I know I’m not navigating this alone.

Another adjustment has been facing the outside world and all the old triggers that come with it.  In rehab, I was in a bubble—protected from the things that pushed me toward using.  Now, I’m back in an environment where those temptations are real and sometimes right in front of me.  I’ve had to be vigilant about setting boundaries and being mindful of where I go and who I spend time with.  I’d be lying if I said it isn’t hard.  There are places and people I care about deeply that I know I need to avoid for now, maybe forever and that hurts.  One thing I’ve come to understand is that protecting my sobriety has to come first, even if it means making difficult choices.

One of the best parts about being home is reconnecting with my family and my dog, Bumpy.  I missed them so much while I was away, and being around them now reminds me of why I’m doing this.  They’ve all been through so much because of my addiction, and I owe it to them—and to myself—to stay on this path.  There’s still guilt, of course, especially when I think about all the times I’ve let them down, but instead of letting that guilt paralyze me, I’m using it as motivation to keep going, to keep improving, to show up for them in ways I couldn’t before.

Looking ahead, I know the road isn’t going to be easy.  There will be challenges and setbacks, but I’m learning to take things one day at a time.  Work has been an incredible part of my healing process, but I know I can’t rely solely on it to keep me grounded.  I need to stay committed to the things I learned in rehab—attending therapy, practicing self-care, taking my psych meds, and staying connected with my support system.  Life after treatment is full of ups and downs, but every day that I wake up sober is a day I’m winning.  There’s a quiet strength in that, a strength I didn’t know I had before.  For now, I’m focused on building a life that reflects the person I’m becoming, not the person I used to be and that’s enough for today.

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to help spread awareness today.

66. More Journals From Rehab Pt. 3

During my time in rehab, I committed to keeping a daily journal—a space where I could pour out my thoughts, struggles, and reflections as I faced the challenges of recovery head-on.  Writing became a vital outlet for me, helping me process the rollercoaster of emotions that came with detox and healing.  These passages reflect the highs and lows of my journey, from the depths of withdrawal to moments of clarity and growth.  Each entry is a raw reflection of my battle with addiction and my determination to rebuild my life.  Please keep in mind that I was fresh off a relapse when these entries were written, so my thoughts may not be as clear or organized as usual.  What you’ll find here is raw, honest, and deeply personal—my unfiltered experience of trying to piece my life back together.

Day 4 – Detox (05/25/2024)

Last night was a really good night.  Since we’re allowed to stay up later on the weekends, three other patients and I hung out watching TV and swapping funny “war stories” from our time in active addiction.  Even though making light of those times is usually discouraged, there’s a certain comfort in finding humor in the ridiculous things we did during our active addiction.  It felt good to laugh and bond with them.

My sleep, however, was a different story.  While it wasn’t great, it was a little better than the past few nights, which gives me hope that things are slowly improving.  I feel like I may be on the up and up. The group of patients here is great right now, mostly men, and surprisingly, no one has rubbed me the wrong way yet.  Of course, that can change, but for now, it’s nice to feel at ease around everyone.

Last night, an Alcoholics Anonymous speaker came in to lead a meeting.  I actually know him from when I was clean before. He was incredible.  His message was emotional and powerful, hitting home in a way I needed.  After the meeting, he pulled me aside and asked what my plan was.  I told him I’m staying for rehab after detox, but I’m still on the fence about long-term treatment.  He gave me his number and offered to help me find a good program, which I really appreciate.  I’m definitely going to keep in touch with him as I navigate this journey.  To be honest, the thought of entering a long-term program feels overwhelming.  Being away from my family and my dog, Bumpy, for months is hard to accept.  That’s the part I struggle with the most but deep down, I know it’s probably what’s best for me.

This morning brought a small victory: I managed to hold down breakfast for the first time since entering detox.  That felt like a big win. Some of the groups they’ve held so far have been among the best I’ve attended in all five times I’ve been in this program.  It feels like there’s something different this time, but I can’t quite put my finger on it.  I don’t know if it’s the nurses, the counselors, the groups, or the fact that I’m here by choice this time.  In the past, I entered treatment to please someone else, but this time, I made the decision myself because I knew I so desperately needed help.  My addiction had taken full control of me again, and I knew I couldn’t stop on my own.

Today, I’m feeling grateful.  I’m getting to know the other patients on a deeper level, and I genuinely enjoy being around them.  Despite our different stories, our struggles are so similar.  I started tapering off Methadone and Valium this morning, and in about three days, I’ll be done with detox and ready for rehab.  It’s a relief to have some downtime on the weekends to relax—watching TV, doing arts and crafts, or just chilling.  Oddly enough, enjoying leisurely activities is still hard for me at times.  When I’m using, my downtime is filled with drinking and doing drugs.  When I’m clean, I struggle to fill my downtime.  Rehab is helping me figure out healthier ways to manage that free time.

We had another AA meeting this morning, and it was a good one.  On Saturdays, we get two AA meetings—one in the morning and one in the evening.  The speaker spoke about grief, which was exactly what I needed to hear. I’ve been really struggling with the death of my best friend, Chris.  I’ve experienced loss before, but burying my best friend was something I never imagined.  The grief is hard to put into words, and it’s a pain I wouldn’t wish on anyone.  Not even my worst enemy. I’m hoping the counselors here can help me develop healthier coping skills to deal with the grief I’m carrying.

Later in the day, I met with my counselor, and she gave me a list of long-term treatment programs spread across New York—some upstate, some in Long Island, and others in New York City.  It’s still early days, so I don’t need to make any decisions just yet.  Part of me thinks it would be cool to live in New York City for a few months, but I’m going to research each program to see what feels like the best fit for me.

I’ve made it to all the groups so far, which I’m proud of.  In detox, you aren’t required to attend groups, but I’ve made it a personal goal to go to every single one.  Sitting in my room makes the day drag on endlessly.  There’s no clock, no TV, and all I can do is stare out the window at the occasional passing car.  Attending groups helps me stay out of my head, keeps me occupied, and makes detox go by just a little bit quicker.  When my mind isn’t busy, thoughts of leaving start creeping in.  I want to take as much information from these groups as possible so that I’m able to apply it to my life when I’m back home.

Dinner tonight was decent. I had a ham and cheese sandwich, a side salad, chicken noodle soup, and a chocolate chip cookie for dessert. It wasn’t the best meal, but it hit the spot, and I was able to keep it down, which is another small victory. We ended the night with our second AA meeting, and once again, it was powerful. These meetings are the highlight of my day. They help break up the monotony and give me hope for my own recovery. Now, I’m looking forward to a relaxing evening. Today was a pretty good day, and I’m feeling grateful to be sober again. For the first time in a while, I’m beginning to look forward to the future. As much as I know the road ahead won’t be easy, I feel more prepared to face it than I have in a long time.

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to help spread awareness today.

65. More Journals From Rehab Pt. 2

During my time in rehab, I committed to keeping a daily journal—a space where I could pour out my thoughts, struggles, and reflections as I faced the challenges of recovery head-on.  Writing became a vital outlet for me, helping me process the rollercoaster of emotions that came with detox and healing.  These passages reflect the highs and lows of my journey, from the depths of withdrawal to moments of clarity and growth.  Each entry is a raw reflection of my battle with addiction and my determination to rebuild my life.  Please keep in mind that I was fresh off a relapse when these entries were written, so my thoughts may not be as clear or organized as usual.  What you’ll find here is raw, honest, and deeply personal—my unfiltered experience of trying to piece my life back together.

Day 3 – Detox (05/24/2024)

Last night was another rough one.  I managed to get a little more sleep than the previous nights, but still nowhere near enough to feel functional.  My body’s exhausted, yet my mind won’t stop racing. Today, I start tapering off both Methadone and Valium—Methadone to help ease the heroin and fentanyl withdrawals, and Valium to calm the alcohol and benzo cravings.  They help, but this detox is brutal.  My body feels like it’s fighting itself, and I just keep wondering how I ended up here again. It’s so hard, and I’m desperate for the moment when I can finally say, "I feel better."  I just want to breathe without this weight on my chest, without my limbs feeling like they’re filled with lead.

I’m supposed to "roll over" into rehab soon, meaning they’ll consider my detox finished, and I’ll officially be in the program.  I’ve decided I’m staying, no matter what.  I just hope my insurance covers the full 28 days.  That part makes me anxious because I know it's out of my control, but worrying about it doesn’t make it any easier to push away.  It feels like I’m holding my breath, waiting to see if I’m given enough time to actually start healing.  It’s exhausting to always feel like my future’s hanging by a thread I can’t control.

This morning, I was able to keep my breakfast down, which felt like a small victory.  I have a new roommate for the next few days, but we don’t talk much—we’re both going through our own hell.  I’m really hoping for a single room when I get to rehab.  It sounds like such a small thing, but those rooms have warm showers, and the communal ones barely get lukewarm.  Plus, my OCD kicks in hard if I end up with a roommate who’s messy.  Whether  I get a single or not, I’m going to make the most of this.  I have to.  I don’t have any other option anymore.

I spoke to my friend last night, and it helped, but I’m nervous to call my mom.  She’s so angry with me, and I understand why.  I’ve let her down time and time again.  I want so badly to make her proud, to prove I’m someone she can trust, but how can I ask for trust when I’ve shattered it so many times?  I don’t even know if I deserve it.  Maybe I never will.  But I’m trying—God, I’m trying.  I wish she could see that, but I also know that my trying doesn’t undo all the damage I’ve caused.

Weekends here are quiet, not as many groups, which leaves a lot of time to think.  Maybe too much time.  I watch TV, read, work on little crafts, and try to keep to myself.  The other patients seem nice enough, and for once, everyone here seems like they actually want to get better.  That’s not always the case.  I’m the youngest one here.  It feels surreal, looking at these older men and women, hearing their stories.  They’re some of the smartest people I’ve ever met, battling demons just like mine.  It makes me feel dumb sometimes, but I know that’s just the addiction talking.  That voice in my head that tells me I’m not enough, that I’m too broken. I’ve heard it so many times that it’s hard not to believe.

It’s sad, really, how comfortable I feel in rehab.  I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve been through this program.  Fourth? Fifth?  It’s all a blur.  I was lying in bed last night, thinking about Chris, about the pain I felt after losing him, and how that pain nearly drove me to follow him.  I’m grateful I came here instead, that I chose life in the face of all that pain but it doesn’t make it easier.  The guilt eats at me.  There are so many people who love me, who would be devastated if they lost me.  When I’m using, I don’t think about any of that.  I don’t think about the consequences.  I’ve always been like that—impulsive, careless.  My mom tells me that all the time, and she’s right.  I don’t stop to consider the damage until it’s too late.  I wish I could change that part of me, and I hope rehab gives me the tools to finally break free of it.

I can’t believe I’m back here.  I had it all together—working out every day, picking up new hobbies, loving my job.  Now, I don’t even know if I’ll still have that job when I get out.  That thought crushes me.  I wasn’t perfect, but I was doing well and now, I’m right back at the bottom, wondering if I’ll ever really get better.  Wondering if I’ll ever feel normal again.  I just don’t want to disappoint everyone again.

I want to be okay.  I want to live a simple life.  To make the people I care about proud.  I wish I didn’t need drugs to feel “normal.”  I wish my mind didn’t default to escape every time life gets hard. Maybe tomorrow will be better.  I really hope so because I don’t know how many more “starting over” moments I have left in me.

Rehab is such a strange, surreal place.  It’s one of the only places where you can walk into a room full of complete strangers, lay bare your deepest, darkest secrets—the things that haunt you, that you’re terrified to say out loud—and no one judges you for it.  Instead of disgust or pity, you’re met with understanding, even empathy, because they’ve all been there, too.  It’s like this unspoken bond forms between everyone, no matter how different our lives outside may have been.  We’re all broken in our own ways, all here trying to piece ourselves back together.  That kind of vulnerability, shared openly, makes rehab feel like a refuge, even though the pain we carry with us is so heavy.

Even though I feel absolutely terrible, today wasn’t all that bad.  It had its rough moments, but I got through it, and that’s something.  I’m holding on to that small bit of progress, hoping that tomorrow brings more of the same, maybe even a little better.  It’s hard to stay optimistic when every part of me feels worn out, but I’m learning that even in the worst of times, there are these small victories.  I’ll take whatever I can get and just pray that tomorrow gives me a bit more strength.

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to help spread awareness today.

64. Journals From Rehab

During my time in rehab, I committed to keeping a daily journal—a space where I could pour out my thoughts, struggles, and reflections as I faced the challenges of recovery head-on.  Writing became a vital outlet for me, helping me process the rollercoaster of emotions that came with detox and healing.  These passages reflect the highs and lows of my journey, from the depths of withdrawal to moments of clarity and growth.  Each entry is a raw reflection of my battle with addiction and my determination to rebuild my life.  Please keep in mind that I was fresh off a relapse when these entries were written, so my thoughts may not be as clear or organized as usual.  What you’ll find here is raw, honest, and deeply personal—my unfiltered experience of trying to piece my life back together.

Day 1 – Detox (05/22/2024)

Last evening, I made the difficult decision to check myself into detox at Bon Secours Hospital in Port Jervis, New York.  Saying I feel defeated doesn’t even begin to cover it.  I’ve let myself down and, more painfully, I’ve let down so many people who care about me.  My family is devastated, and they have every right to feel that way.  I should have asked for help.  There are so many people who would have dropped everything to support me, but instead, I turned to alcohol and drugs to numb the deep pain I’ve been carrying since the loss of my best friend, Chris.

I’ve been struggling with immense guilt since his passing.  We were inseparable growing up, and we used alcohol and drugs together for years.  I can’t shake the thought—if we hadn’t used together, would he still be here today?  This guilt has been eating away at me, and I allowed it to lead me down a path I know too well.  I have so much going for me, and it feels like I’ve thrown it all away in one moment.  But I know it’s possible to reclaim my life—I’ve had long periods of sobriety before.  I can achieve that again.

When I arrived at detox, I planned to stay only for that portion, but after a night of reflection,  I’ve decided to stay for rehab as well.  I need time to clear my head, to look within, and to make the changes necessary so I never end up in this position again.  I owe apologies to my family, my friends, my coworkers, and so many others.  The weight of letting so many people down is overwhelming, and I know that right now, my words don’t carry much meaning.  I have to show them my commitment through my actions.

I don’t know if I’ll be forgiven, and I can’t blame anyone if I’m not.  I’ve hurt people deeply, including my mother.  When I spoke to her last night, she said something that shook me to my core: “You are destroying me.”  Hearing her say that, with tears in her voice, made me realize just how much pain I’ve caused.  I never meant to hurt her—or anyone.  I just don’t want to feel this pain anymore.  I’m tired.  I’m tired of hurting people.  I’m tired of letting people down.  I want to make my family proud.

Right now, I’m going through a medical detox, with medications to help ease the withdrawal symptoms.  Even so, I feel sick as a dog—cold sweats, dry heaving with nothing left to throw up, restless legs, and crippling anxiety.  It feels like the worst flu I’ve ever had, multiplied by ten.  I don’t know why I keep doing this to myself.  This pain, this suffering—it’s all self-inflicted.  I just want to find peace, to be happy without needing substances to numb my feelings.

I know this is going to be a long journey, but I’m ready to take the next step.

Day 2 – Detox (05/23/2024)

Last night was brutal.  I’m in full-blown withdrawal, and when the nurses came in to tell me it was time for breakfast, it felt like I had only slept for ten minutes the entire night.  I dragged myself to the shower, hoping for some relief, but the water wasn’t even close to warm.  That cold shower was a harsh way to start the day.  I tried eating breakfast, but I could barely keep it down.  The food here is actually pretty good, but when you’re deep in withdrawal, it doesn’t matter.  I threw it up within minutes.  The only thing I can stomach right now is diet ginger ale mixed with cranberry juice.  I really hope I start feeling better soon.

Despite how awful I’ve been feeling, I’ve made it to all of today’s group sessions.  I’m determined to give this rehab stay everything I’ve got.  I can’t keep doing this to myself.  It sounds cliché, but I feel like I’m knocking on death’s door—and sooner or later, someone’s going to answer.  That realization hit me hard today.  I initially thought I’d just stay for detox and follow up with outpatient care, but that’s not going to be enough.  I’ve decided to stay for rehab, no question about it.

As for what comes after rehab?  I’m not sure.  Part of me doesn’t want to go into a long-term program, even though I might need it.  I’d love to go home, be with my family, and see my dog, Bumpy.  Summer is starting, and the thought of being stuck in rehab during it is hard to accept.  But I also know I’m not in the right headspace to make that decision now.  I need to let my body flush out all the alcohol and drugs before I can think clearly about what’s next.

I wish I had been stronger, that I hadn’t picked up and used again.  I hate the position I’ve put myself in... again.  I’m so disappointed in myself, and it’s hard not to feel downright depressed.  I’m on medication for depression, but it doesn’t work when I’m using.  Right now, I just feel lost—mentally and emotionally drained.  The mental pain is almost unbearable, but I’m trying my best to push through it.

I know my words don’t carry much weight anymore.  I’ve said “I’m going to do better” before, but I haven’t followed through.  My dishonesty has hurt my credibility, and I get that.  Still, I need to try to get back on track and rebuild my life, piece by piece.  I really hope I can sleep better tonight; I need the rest.  This is going to be a long, hard road.  I’ve been down it before, but I’m not sure if I can do it again.  Still, I’ve got to be strong, for myself and for the people who love me.  I’m going to fight like hell to get back to where I was before this relapse.

There’s no doubt it’s going to be difficult.  I’m prepared for that.  I’m going to take this time in rehab to reflect deeply on everything—on where I went wrong, what I need to change, and how to stay on this path for good.  I hope I can make it work this time.

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to help spread awareness today.

63. Returning Home After Substance Abuse Treatment

On September 1st, I successfully completed my treatment at Odyssey House, located in the Lower East Side of New York City.  Returning home after completing substance abuse treatment is an experience filled with a mix of emotions—pride in my progress, excitement for what’s ahead, and, admittedly, a bit of nervousness about how I’ll navigate life outside the safety of rehab.  Having spent months in a structured environment, I now face the challenge of continuing my recovery journey in the “real world.”  One of the most important things that I’ve learned during my time in treatment is that recovery doesn’t stop when rehab ends.  It’s a lifelong commitment, and to stay on the path to sobriety, I need to be intentional about my actions and choices every day.  I want to share what has worked for me in staying on course after treatment.  These are the strategies I use to maintain my sobriety, including attending outpatient services, hitting the gym, and remaining vigilant against triggers like people, places, and things that could lead me back down the wrong path.

One of the first things I did after coming home was sign up for outpatient services.  I knew that I needed continued support to maintain the momentum I built in rehab, and outpatient programs offer just that.  Outpatient treatment provides a structured space where I can continue receiving therapy, attend group sessions, and work with professionals who understand addiction.  It allows me to stay connected to the tools I learned during inpatient treatment but within the context of my everyday life.  For me, attending outpatient services has been crucial in bridging the gap between rehab and the outside world.  It keeps me accountable and gives me a place to process any challenges I face now that I’m back in my normal environment.  Some days, I still struggle with urges, feelings of guilt, or anxiety, and having a consistent therapeutic outlet gives me an opportunity to work through those emotions in a healthy way.

The group therapy sessions in outpatient are particularly helpful. Hearing others share their stories reminds me that I’m not alone in this journey; there’s something powerful about supporting each other.  We celebrate our victories together and learn from each other's setbacks.  Outpatient care provides me with an ongoing sense of community that has become a pillar of my recovery.

A huge part of my recovery plan after rehab has been getting physically active again, and the gym has played a major role in that. I’ve found that working out doesn’t just improve my physical health; it also helps me stay mentally and emotionally balanced.  Going to the gym provides structure to my day and serves as a positive outlet for stress, which used to be one of my biggest triggers for substance use.

When I’m at the gym, I feel like I’m not just working on my body—I’m also working on my mind.  The routine of getting up and moving each day helps me stick to a healthy schedule, and it gives me a sense of purpose.  Plus, the physical benefits are undeniable: I sleep better, my energy levels are higher, and I’m building a body that I’m proud of, which ultimately does wonders for my self-esteem. There’s also something incredibly empowering about setting fitness goals and achieving them. Whether I’m lifting heavier weights, running a little longer on the treadmill, or seeing improvements in my endurance, these small wins remind me that I am capable of change and progress.  It’s not always easy, and there are most definitely days when I don’t feel like going, but every time I push through, I’m reminded of the strength I have to overcome challenges—both in the gym and in life. The gym has become more than just a place to work out; it’s part of my recovery routine.  It helps me focus on something positive, and on tough days, it’s a much-needed release.  Exercise has truly been a game-changer for me in maintaining both my sobriety and my mental health.

One of the most important lessons I learned in rehab is that addiction doesn’t go away once you stop using.  It’s a chronic disease, and staying sober requires constant vigilance.  I’ve come to understand that in order to stay on this path, I have to be mindful of the people, places, and things that can trigger cravings or lead me toward a relapse.  In active addiction, many of my relationships revolved around substance use.  It was tough, but I had to make the decision to distance myself from those people once I got out of rehab.  I realized that being around individuals who are still using or who don’t respect my sobriety is a direct threat to everything I’ve worked for. So, I’ve made a conscious effort to surround myself with people who support my recovery and who want to see me succeed.  Sometimes this has meant letting go of old friendships, but it’s been necessary for my well-being.

There are also certain places that I now avoid because they remind me of my past substance use.  Whether it’s the bar I used to frequent or the neighborhood where I spent most of my time using, I know that these environments are full of triggers.  Instead, I’ve sought out new places that support my sober lifestyle.  These places include the gym or a community center where I attend a support group meeting. Finding new, healthier spaces has helped me stay on track.

There are also certain things that can trigger memories of my old lifestyle.  Whether it’s certain types of music, specific routines, or even seeing particular items, I’ve had to become aware of how these “things” affect me emotionally. I’ve learned to either avoid them completely or, when I can’t, develop coping strategies to deal with the feelings they stir up.

A big part of staying vigilant is practicing mindfulness.  I try to stay aware of how I’m feeling at any given moment.  Am I stressed?  Angry? Lonely?  These emotions can lead me down a dangerous path if I don’t address them head-on.  Whether it’s through journaling, meditation, or simply talking things out with a therapist or supportive friend, I’ve found that being mindful of my emotional state is key to avoiding relapse.

Returning home after rehab has been a challenging but rewarding part of my recovery.  To maintain my sobriety, I’ve leaned on outpatient services for continued support, incorporated a healthy routine through exercise at the gym, and stayed vigilant against the disease of addiction by avoiding old triggers.  Each of these strategies helps me build a life I’m proud of—one that is grounded in my commitment to sobriety.  While the road ahead may not always be easy, I feel equipped with the tools and resources I need to stay on course.  Every day, I remind myself of how far I’ve come and what I’m capable of achieving.  Recovery is a lifelong journey, but I’m taking it one day at a time, confident that I can continue moving forward.

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to help spread awareness today.

62. Cutting People Out of Your Life for Sobriety

The journey to sobriety is an extremely challenging one, marked by a series of painful but necessary decisions.  Among the most heart-wrenching of these is the need to sever ties with certain individuals—people who have, at one point, held significant roles in our lives.  This act, which can feel similar to ripping out a piece of our soul, is often vital to breaking free from the grips of addiction.  While it may seem like an insurmountable task, the decision to cut specific people out of your life when striving to get clean and sober is not just important—it is crucial to your survival.

Addiction is often nurtured by the people we surround ourselves with, consciously or unconsciously.  Some of the bonds that weigh us down in our addiction are friends who share in our vices, partners who enable our destructive behaviors, or even family members who, out of misguided love, shield us from the consequences of our actions.  They tie us to a past filled with pain, regret, and self-destruction, making it nearly impossible to move forward.  These relationships may have once been built on love, camaraderie, or shared experiences, but when addiction takes hold, they become something else entirely.  They morph into a cycle of mutual destruction, where each person's pain and struggle feed into the others.  In this toxic dance, the line between friend and foe blurs, and what once brought joy now only brings despair.  To break free from addiction, we must break free from these bonds.  It is not a matter of rejecting the people we care about but of choosing our own lives over the relentless pull of addiction.  It is recognizing that some relationships, no matter how deep or long-standing, have become detrimental to our well-being.  And in this recognition lies the first step towards healing.

Cutting people out of your life is not an easy decision, nor should it be.  These are people who have been there in the darkest of times, who have shared in your highs and lows.  But as you begin the journey of sobriety, it becomes painfully clear that their presence, however comforting it may seem, is hindering your progress.  The emotional toll of severing these ties can be overwhelming.  There is grief in letting go of people who were once an integral part of your life.  There is guilt in knowing that your decision may hurt them, especially if they are struggling with their own demons.  And there is fear—fear of loneliness, of the unknown, and of losing a part of yourself.  Yet, within this pain lies the seed of transformation.  By letting go of those who no longer serve your higher purpose, you create space for new, healthier relationships to take root.  You begin to build a support system that uplifts and encourages you, rather than one that drags you back into the abyss.  And in doing so, you honor the commitment you have made to yourself to live a life free from the shackles of addiction.

Establishing boundaries is an essential part of the recovery process.  It is an act of self-preservation, a way of protecting yourself from the triggers that could lead to relapse.  Boundaries are not about punishment or rejection; they are about creating a safe space where you can heal and grow.  When you cut someone out of your life, it is not an act of cruelty, but of necessity.  You are not condemning them; you are choosing yourself.  You are acknowledging that, in this moment, your sobriety must come first, even if it means making difficult and painful decisions.  The power of boundaries lies in their ability to redefine your relationships. They allow you to interact with others from a place of strength, rather than vulnerability.  They give you the freedom to focus on your own recovery without the constant pull of negative influences.  And most importantly, they remind you that your well-being is worth protecting.

As you navigate the painful process of cutting people out of your life, it is important to remember that this is not the end of your story—it is the beginning of a new chapter.  In the space left behind by those you have let go, there is room for growth, healing, and new connections.  There is the opportunity to build a life that is grounded in sobriety, where the relationships you form are based on mutual respect, support, and love.  The people you meet on this journey will be different.  They will understand your struggles because they have faced their own.  They will celebrate your victories, no matter how small, and they will stand by you in times of weakness.  These are the people who will help you rebuild your life, piece by piece until you have created something beautiful and enduring.

In the end, the decision to cut specific people out of your life is an act of self-love.  It is a recognition that your life is worth saving, that your dreams are worth pursuing, and that your happiness is worth fighting for.  It is a declaration that you will no longer be defined by your past, but by the choices you make in the present.  Sobriety is a gift—a gift that you give to yourself every day that you choose to stay clean.  It is a gift that requires sacrifice, but one that offers the promise of a brighter future.  While the road to recovery may be long and filled with challenges, it is a road worth traveling.  For at the end of it lies the freedom to live your life on your own terms, free from the chains of addiction, and surrounded by the love and support of those who truly care for you.

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to help spread awareness today.

61. A Valuable Lesson Learned

It has been three months since I checked myself into rehab for substance abuse.  As many of you know, this isn’t my first rodeo. I’ve been in and out of rehabs for years now.  I’m not boasting when I say that—it’s just the reality of my situation.  Relapse has played a huge part in my recovery journey.  I’m currently a patient in Odyssey House, a long-term residential treatment program in New York City.  I live in a large brownstone with forty other men who also suffer from drug and alcohol addiction.  These men range in age from as young as 19 to as old as 67 years old.

This past week, a new patient named John was admitted into the program.  Whenever new patients arrive, they wait in the front desk area before being assigned a bedroom in the house.  Since the room where we hold all our daily meetings is past the front desk, we almost always catch a glimpse of the new arrivals as they’re being checked in.  One morning, as I was heading to a group session, I passed by John during his check-in.  His clothes were worn and dirty, his hair and beard looked unkempt, and he carried only a small garbage bag that I assumed held his spare clothes.  At the time, I didn’t think much of it. In a place like Odyssey House, it’s not uncommon to see people come in with very little.  I quickly introduced myself to John, exchanged a few polite words, and continued on with my day, not giving him much more thought.  John went through the usual admission process, was assigned a room, and the week moved on.

On Thursday, Brother Theo, one of the cooks at Odyssey House, organized a barbecue for all the patients in the program.  There’s a small patio at the back of the building where we’re allowed to smoke, hang out, and enjoy some fresh air.  Brother Theo was grilling hamburgers and hot dogs for us, and with the weather being perfect, most of us decided to eat outside.  I was waiting in line, with John standing right behind me.  When it was my turn, I grabbed a hamburger and placed it on my plate.  Then, as I picked up a hot dog to add to my meal, I fumbled and dropped it onto the patio.

Instinctively, I bent down to pick it up, but before I could, John had already snatched it off the ground.  To my surprise, he ate the hot dog right there in what felt like three or four bites.  I stood there, completely baffled, unable to believe what I had just witnessed.  I chuckled and said, "What the hell are you doing, John?"  Brother Theo noticed the mishap and was about to give me another hot dog since mine had hit the dirty floor.  But John looked me straight in the eyes and said, "Kyle, if you had been where I’ve been, you’d understand."  His words hit me, but I didn’t fully process their weight at the time.  I just nodded, took another hot dog, and continued enjoying my meal and the company of the other patients.  It wasn’t until later that I began to really think about what John had said, realizing that his actions spoke volumes about the hardships he had faced and the depths of his hunger—both physical and emotional.

Later that night, I laid in bed thinking about what John had said.  It really hit me like a ton of bricks as I processed what he had said.  Living in close quarters with people from such diverse backgrounds has been eye-opening in ways I never expected.  Each man here has a story, a past filled with pain, and reasons for why they turned to substances.  Initially, it was easy to judge some of them, especially when their behaviors were triggering or reminded me of parts of myself I wasn’t proud of.  But as the days turned into weeks, I started to see beyond their actions and began to understand the deep wounds they carry.  It’s taught me the crucial lesson of putting myself in someone else’s shoes before making any judgments.

Understanding someone else’s struggles has made me realize that we all have different breaking points, different reasons for why we falter.  For many of us here, life has been a series of battles that we’ve lost more often than won.  In recognizing that each of us is fighting something, I’ve learned to replace judgment with empathy.  This lesson doesn’t just apply within the walls of Odyssey House—it extends to every aspect of life.  It’s easy to see someone’s actions and label them without knowing their story but when you take the time to step into their shoes, to try and feel what they feel, you gain a whole new perspective.

This shift in thinking has not only changed how I view the men around me but also how I view myself.  I’ve been harsh on myself for years, judging my failures and relapses as signs of weakness.  However, understanding that I, too, have been fighting battles has allowed me to start practicing self-compassion.  The same empathy I’ve learned to extend to others, I’m beginning to extend to myself.  It’s a slow process, but it’s helping me heal in ways I never thought possible.  That’s the real lesson here: before we judge, whether it’s others or ourselves, we should always take a moment to step into those shoes and try to understand the path that’s been walked.    

In my opinion, learning to put yourself in someone else’s shoes before passing judgment is one of the most valuable life lessons you can cultivate.  It’s a lesson in humility and compassion, teaching us that our perspective is just one of many.  We often don't have all the facts, and our assumptions can be misleading.  When we pause to consider what someone else might be going through or has gone through, we open ourselves up to a more nuanced understanding of their behavior.  This doesn't mean excusing harmful actions, but it does mean recognizing that everyone has their battles, and sometimes, those battles can explain why people act the way they do.  This shift in perspective can profoundly impact your relationships and interactions.  It fosters patience, reduces conflict, and builds stronger connections because people feel understood rather than judged.  Over time, practicing empathy in this way can change how you view the world, helping you become more forgiving and less quick to criticize.  The next time you're tempted to judge someone, pause and ask yourself, "What might this person have gone through, or be going through?"  It’s such a simple question, but it can lead to a deeper, kinder, more understanding way of interacting with others.

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to spread awareness today.

60. Understanding Relapse

In last week’s column, I discussed in detail my latest relapse, which sadly occurred in early May.  Relapse in substance use disorders (SUDs) is a complex and often misunderstood component of the recovery process.  It refers to the return to drug or alcohol use after a period of abstinence.  I’m writing this from my bedroom at Odyssey House, a long-term residential treatment center in the Lower East Side of New York City, where I’ve been in treatment for a little over 50 days.  I’m devastated by my relapse, especially after accumulating nearly four years of sobriety.  I constantly find myself asking this question: How could this have happened?

Since getting clean back in 2020, I was able to repair many relationships that my drug use had destroyed and reclaim many material things I had given away due to my addiction.  I had completely turned my life around, so how did I end up back with alcohol and drugs—the very things that destroyed my life?

Relapse in substance use disorders is a complex concept.  No one is immune to it, no matter how far along they are in their recovery.  It is a part of many alcoholics’ and addicts’ recovery journeys.  However, there are those addicts who are fortunate and were able to get clean on their first attempt and never picked up a drink or drug again.  Unfortunately, I am not one of those people.  Relapse is a significant part of my story, with more occurrences than I can count.

As I mentioned earlier, I am absolutely devastated that I relapsed.  I often find myself sitting around and thinking about my relapse and how it led me to a treatment center in New York City in the middle of summer, my favorite time of the year.  As part of my ongoing commitment to my recovery, I had to make the decision to check myself into treatment.  It was not an easy decision, but it was a necessary one. I needed to confront my relapse head-on and get the help I so desperately needed.  Initially, I viewed my relapse as a huge failure and a sign of weakness. In many ways, it is, but it is important that I reframe this perspective.  Relapse can happen to anyone in recovery, regardless of their commitment and resolve.  Addiction is a chronic disease, characterized by periods of remission and potential recurrence of symptoms.  However, it is essential to remember that relapse does not equate to failure.  It can serve as a valuable lesson, offering insights into unaddressed triggers and the need for additional support.  Recovery is a lifelong journey, and each step, whether forward or backward, is an integral part of the process.  In the treatment center, I found a community of individuals who understand my struggle, offering a space of empathy and shared experiences.  This collective resilience and determination fortified my resolve to not only overcome my addiction but to grow from it.

Recovery from substance use disorders is not a linear process.  It involves multiple stages and can include periods of progress and setbacks.  For some, relapse is part of their recovery journey, providing opportunities to learn and develop coping strategies.  However, it is essential to recognize that not all individuals will experience relapse.  Some people may achieve long-term recovery without significant setbacks, highlighting the diverse nature of recovery pathways.  Understanding that there are various factors that contribute to relapse is extremely important.  By reframing relapse as a potential part of the recovery process rather than a failure, we can reduce stigma, encourage open dialogue, and provide more effective support for those affected by substance use disorders.  So, instead of seeing my relapse as a defeat, I now understand it as a part of the journey, a reminder of my resilience and the need for ongoing support.  This experience has given me the opportunity to reassess my coping strategies and reinforce my commitment to recovery.  Each step, even the difficult ones, contributes to my growth and healing. 

My story is a poignant reminder of the fragile nature of recovery and the importance of compassion and understanding.  My relapse, while painful, is not the end of my journey (thank God).  With renewed determination, I sought the help of doctors, counselors, and therapists.  I have reconnected with my support group, and have embraced the love of my wonderful family and friends.  Once again I navigate the complexities of recovery, one day at a time.  My hope is that my resilience and courage will continue to inspire those around me, proving that even in the face of setbacks, hope and healing are always within reach.  My journey illustrates that relapse, while disheartening, is a step toward deeper understanding and stronger recovery, highlighting the indomitable human spirit and the capacity for renewal.

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to spread awareness today.

59. My Relapse

On May 22nd, I made the crucial decision to check myself into a 28-day substance abuse treatment center.  This isn't my first experience with rehab—far from it.  Since my initial treatment in 2018, I've cycled through various rehabs for different reasons.  I’ve entered these programs to meet my family’s expectations, to appease friends, and even to satisfy a judge's orders.  What I’ve come to understand is that while anyone can enter treatment for a multitude of reasons, true and lasting recovery only begins when the decision to get clean is made by you for yourself.  The only time I’ve seen treatment truly take hold is when the addict or alcoholic genuinely wants to change their life for their own sake.

Among all my previous attempts at rehab, May 22nd stands out as the first time I sought treatment with the sole intention of improving my own life.  This time, I am committing to this journey not just to fulfill others' demands or expectations, but because I want to heal and build a better future for myself.

On May 22, I found myself parked at a gas station, hopelessly sitting in my car with a loaded needle and a pint of whiskey in the center console.  By then, I had been using alcohol and drugs for about a month straight, each day blending into the next.  That particular day, I had been using from the moment I woke up, trying to numb the overwhelming pain and confusion that had consumed me since losing my best friend to addiction earlier that month.  His death had turned my world upside down and dredged up emotions I hadn’t faced in a very long time.

I was deeply struggling and made the critical error of trying to navigate this turmoil on my own. Instead of reaching out to my support network and sharing what I was going through, I isolated myself, believing I could manage the darkness alone.  It was a mistake that only deepened my despair and made it clear that I needed help more than ever.  This moment marked a turning point for me, highlighting the critical importance of connection and support in overcoming the challenges of addiction.

I’ve come to terms with the fact that I am both an alcoholic and a drug addict.  There is no doubt in my mind, and I’m certain that those who know me personally would agree.  When I drink, I don’t do so casually; I use alcohol to escape, to alter my state, and once I start, I can’t stop until I either pass out or run out of supply.  Unlike those who can enjoy a single beer or a glass of wine and then simply put the can or bottle away, I am unable to have just one.  The concept of moderation is foreign to me.  People who don’t struggle with alcoholism can enjoy a drink and then move on with their lives, leaving the rest of the six-pack or bottle untouched, even if it’s within reach.  I deeply envy their ability to stop without obsession.  As a teenager, I fantasized about coming home from work, relaxing with a cold beer on my front porch, and savoring the moment as I watched the sunset.  But the reality is, I will never be able to enjoy that simple pleasure.  For me, the allure of a drink always leads to excess, and the fantasy of moderation is just that—a fantasy. I’ve accepted that my relationship with alcohol is fundamentally different, and I have to face that truth if I want to find a path to recovery.

I can’t pinpoint exactly what drove me to check myself into rehab this time.  Something shifted in my mind after I finished that last bag of heroin in my car, but the origin of that thought remains unclear.  I like to believe that my best friend, who had passed away, played a role in this decision. I imagine he was watching over me, seeing the depth of my pain and wanting something better for me.

At one point, I had nearly four years of sobriety, and during that time, I learned a great deal about myself.  I discovered that I use substances to escape from my own feelings and to avoid confronting my inner self.  Addiction is an incredibly powerful force, and I found that I become a person whom no one likes or trusts when I am using.  I’ve come to understand that when I start using, I cannot stop on my own.  I’ve tried every conceivable method to get clean by myself—restricting my use of certain substances or setting limits—but it always spirals back into full-blown addiction.

This cycle has taught me that I cannot break free on my own.  My attempts at controlling my addiction have only reinforced the need for external help.  It's clear now that I need support and guidance to overcome this.  This realization, along with the haunting memory of my friend, pushed me to seek help, understanding that this is the only way I can truly begin to heal and reclaim my life.

This is why staying vigilant in your sobriety is absolutely crucial. Maintaining sobriety demands immense effort and commitment.  It only takes one poor decision to throw everything off balance and find yourself back where you started—or even worse.  I’ve come to terms with the reality that I will always be an addict and alcoholic. Some days, accepting this is easier; other days, it’s a real struggle. Focusing on just today makes it more manageable, whereas thinking about not using for the rest of my life can feel overwhelming.  That’s why the adage to take it "one day at a time" is so vital.

Currently, I’m in a long-term residential treatment center in New York City, working diligently to understand myself better, develop healthy coping mechanisms, and identify what was missing in my recovery before this relapse.  The timeline for my return home is uncertain, but I'm not overly concerned about it.  When I feel ready to transition back, I’ll discuss it with my therapist and formulate a plan.  While I miss my family and friends deeply, I know I’m exactly where I need to be right now.

I’m looking forward to returning home and giving recovery another serious try.  Today marks 74 days of sobriety, and I feel better than I ever have before.  Writing this column again brings me a lot of joy. You might not realize it, but you play a huge role in my journey.  This platform is incredibly therapeutic for me, and your support fuels my recovery.  I am profoundly grateful for every reader and can’t thank you enough for being a part of this process.

I want to express my heartfelt gratitude to everyone who wrote me letters and sent cards during my stay in rehab.  Your words of encouragement and support are a constant source of strength and comfort, and they played a significant role in my journey toward recovery.  Thank you for being there for me.

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to spread awareness today.

58. Movies on Addiction Worth Watching

Since getting clean from alcohol and drugs there have been four compelling films that I’ve watched that offer poignant insights into the harrowing journey of individuals grappling with substance abuse. Through the lens of cinema, we navigate the highs and lows of addiction, witnessing the raw realities of its impact on individuals, relationships, and the pursuit of redemption.  From the gritty streets of 1990s New York to the skies above in post-traumatic flight aftermath, each film paints a vivid picture of the multifaceted challenges that accompany addiction, while also illuminating the transformative power of recovery.  This week, my focus will be on four captivating films: "Beautiful Boy," "Basketball Diaries," "Flight," and "A Star is Born."

1. Beautiful Boy

In "Beautiful Boy," we follow the gripping and emotionally charged journey of a young man, Nic Sheff, as he battles the insidious grip of addiction.  The story unfolds through the eyes of an addict in recovery, offering a raw and authentic portrayal of the harrowing realities of substance abuse and its profound impact on relationships.

Nic Sheff, a talented and promising young writer among other things, finds himself ensnared in the relentless cycle of addiction.  As he spirals deeper into the clutches of drugs, his relationship with his father, David, becomes strained as David desperately tries to understand and save his son.

The narrative alternates between the present and flashbacks that chronicle Nic's descent into the world of substance abuse.  The film captures the heart-wrenching moments of hope and despair, showcasing the toll addiction takes not only on the individual but also on their loved ones.

In “Beautiful Boy,” we witness the brutal honesty of the struggle for sobriety.  The film explores themes of forgiveness, redemption, and the unwavering love between a father and his son. Through the highs and lows of Nic's journey, we see the resilience required to confront the demons of addiction and rebuild shattered lives.

"Beautiful Boy" is a poignant exploration of the complexities of addiction, told with empathy and a profound understanding of the human spirit's capacity for healing.  It serves as a powerful reminder that even in the darkest moments, there is hope for redemption and the possibility of reclaiming a beautiful life. 

2. Basketball Diaries

"Basketball Diaries" takes you on a gritty and heart-wrenching journey through the turbulent life of Jim Carroll, a high school basketball prodigy turned addict in the merciless streets of 1990s New York City.

Jim, played by a young Leonardo DiCaprio, once had the world at his feet as a basketball star with dreams of a brighter future.  However, the allure of the streets, coupled with the grip of substance abuse, pulls him into a downward spiral of chaos and self-destruction.  The film unfolds as a series of haunting flashbacks, chronicling Jim's descent from the heights of promise to the depths of despair.

As an addict looking back, the narrative delves into the intense highs and crushing lows of addiction, painting an unfiltered picture of the destructive path that Jim and his friends navigate. From the seemingly innocent experimentation with drugs to the perilous allure of crime, the movie exposes the harsh realities of urban life and the insidious allure of escape through substance abuse.

Through the haze of addiction, moments of clarity emerge, revealing the toll on Jim's relationships and his struggle to maintain a semblance of normalcy.  The film poignantly captures the desperation and isolation that often accompany addiction, making it a raw and unapologetic portrayal of the battle for survival.

"Basketball Diaries" is a story of hope and resilience, showcasing Jim's arduous journey toward recovery.  It explores the power of redemption, the strength of the human spirit, and the unwavering support of those who believe in second chances.  The film serves as a testament to the transformative nature of recovery, illustrating that even from rock bottom, one can find the strength to rise and reclaim a life of purpose.

3. Flight

"Flight is a gripping tale that takes you through the tumultuous journey of Captain Whip Whitaker, a skilled airline pilot whose life takes a nosedive due to the haunting grip of addiction.  Narrated from the perspective of an addict in recovery, the film explores the complexities of substance abuse, the battle for redemption, and the ultimate quest for self-forgiveness.

Whip Whitaker, portrayed by Denzel Washington, is a charismatic pilot whose bravado conceals a turbulent personal life dominated by alcohol and drugs.  The narrative kicks off with a harrowing in-flight emergency, where Whip's exceptional skills miraculously save the lives of many passengers. However, this heroic act only serves to intensify the scrutiny of his personal demons.

The film delves into the unraveling of his life post-incident.  Faced with the investigation into the crash, Whip is forced to confront the consequences of his addiction, both professionally and personally.  The narrative doesn't shy away from the harsh realities of substance abuse, portraying Whip's struggles with denial, isolation, and the impact on his relationships.

"Flight," becomes a poignant exploration of the rocky path to recovery as Whip grapples with his past and attempts to rebuild his shattered life.  The film doesn't glamourize addiction but rather exposes its destructive nature, emphasizing the strength required to break free from its chains.

This film beautifully captures the power of redemption and self-discovery, as Whip faces the harsh consequences of his actions and strives to make amends.  "Flight," navigates the rocky terrain of addiction recovery, offering a portrayal of the rocky journey towards sobriety and the possibility of finding solace in the midst of one's own storm.

4. A Star is Born

In the gripping drama "A Star is Born," we delve into the tumultuous world of fame, addiction, and love through the eyes of Jack, a tormented musician battling his inner demons.  Jack, a once-iconic rock star, stumbles upon Ally, a struggling artist with a mesmerizing voice, and sees in her the potential to reignite his fading career.

As Jack and Ally's love story unfolds, the narrative takes a dark turn, portraying the throes of addiction that plague Jack's every step.  His turbulent journey is a rollercoaster of highs and lows, mirroring the chaotic rhythm of his rock-and-roll lifestyle.  Jack's drug dependency becomes a haunting symphony that echoes through the film, painting a vivid picture of the destructive power of addiction.

Despite the glaring shadows cast by Jack's demons, Ally rises as a beacon of hope and resilience. She blossoms into a rising star, navigating the pitfalls of fame while desperately trying to save the man she loves.  The film captures the heartbreaking contrast between Ally's ascent to stardom and Jack's descent into the abyss of substance abuse.

Against the backdrop of sold-out concerts, soulful ballads, and Hollywood's glittering lights, "A Star is Born," becomes a heartbreaking exploration of the fragility of human connections.

In this harrowing tale of love and addiction, "A Star is Born," paints a vivid portrait of the music industry's dark underbelly, offering a raw and unfiltered look into the consequences of fame and the pursuit of artistic greatness.

Each of these cinematic journeys offers a raw and unapologetic portrayal of the multifaceted challenges individuals face when grappling with substance abuse.  These narratives serve as poignant reminders of the far-reaching consequences of addiction on relationships, personal growth, and the pursuit of redemption.  The films delve deeply into the heart of darkness, exposing the harsh realities of denial, isolation, and the toll on loved ones.  However, amidst the shadows, they also illuminate the transformative power of recovery, showcasing the resilience required to confront one's demons and rebuild shattered lives.  As we navigate these cinematic masterpieces, we unravel stories of hope, redemption, and the unwavering human spirit's capacity to soar beyond shadows.

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to help spread awareness today.

57. Ten Things I Would Tell My Younger Self

Man, life is so crazy.  It’s such a wild journey filled with twists, turns, and unforeseen challenges.  As a recovering addict reflecting on the tumultuous path I've traveled, I find solace in the idea of reaching back through time to offer guidance to my younger self.  In the throes of addiction, clarity often eludes us, and the consequences of our actions seem distant.  If I could communicate with the version of me trapped by the grips of substance abuse, here are ten crucial lessons that might have illuminated the shadows along the way.

1.        Embrace Vulnerability:

In the haze of addiction, and at times even in sobriety, vulnerability is often perceived as a weakness.  However, it is through embracing vulnerability that we find strength.  Opening up about struggles and seeking support is not an admission of defeat but instead, a courageous step toward recovery.  So, I would tell my younger self to shed the armor, to be completely open about the pain and the struggles, and to let others in.

2.        Self-Compassion is the Cornerstone of Healing:

It's so easy to drown in self-loathing when trapped by addiction.  My younger self needed to understand that healing truly begins with self-compassion.  Forgiving oneself for past mistakes and embracing imperfections is a pivotal aspect of recovery.  In the face of darkness, a compassionate attitude towards oneself can be a guiding light.

3.        The Illusion of Control:

Addiction thrives on the illusion of control.  I would caution my younger self against the fallacy of believing I had the reins on substance abuse. Acknowledging powerlessness over addiction is not surrender; it's the first step towards liberation.  Understanding this concept earlier would have saved me from years of futile attempts to control the uncontrollable.

4.        Seek Professional Help:

Admitting the need for professional help is not an admission of failure but a declaration of strength. Therapy and counseling provide invaluable tools for navigating the complex terrain of addiction. My younger self needed to hear that seeking professional help was not a sign of weakness but a courageous leap toward recovery.

5.        Cultivate Healthy Coping Mechanisms:

In the whirlwind of addiction, the appeal of abusing substances as a coping mechanism is strong.  I would advise my younger self to explore healthier alternatives – mindfulness, exercise, creative outlets – to cope with life's challenges.  Discovering constructive ways to manage stress and emotions is essential for sustained recovery.

6.        Connect With a Supportive Community:

Isolation is a breeding ground for addiction.  Building connections with others who understand the struggles and triumphs of recovery creates a supportive network that is indispensable.  My younger self needed to recognize the importance of surrounding oneself with a community that fosters growth, engages in healthy hobbies, and provides unwavering encouragement.

7.        Confront Trauma and Root Causes:

Addiction often stems from deeper wounds and unresolved trauma.  I would encourage my younger self to confront these underlying issues head-on through therapy and self-reflection. Gabor Mate is a doctor, renowned speaker, and bestselling author.  He says, “Addiction is only a symptom, it’s not the fundamental problem.  The fundamental problem is trauma.”  So, unearthing the root causes of addiction is crucial for sustained recovery and personal growth.

8.        Mindfulness and Present Moment Awareness:

One’s past is often riddled with regrets, and the future can be daunting, especially for someone entangled in addiction.  Teaching my younger self the power of mindfulness and the importance of living in the present moment would have been a transformative gift.  Awareness of the present allows for a conscious choice to shape a brighter future.

9.        Patience is a Virtue:

Recovery is not a linear journey; it is a series of peaks and valleys.  My younger self needed to understand that setbacks were not synonymous with failure.  Patience, resilience, and perseverance are the foundation of recovery.  Each stumble and setback is an opportunity to learn and grow stronger.

10.  Rediscover Authenticity:

Addiction often masks one's true self.  I would tell my younger self that recovery is not only about breaking free from substances but rediscovering authenticity.  Embracing one's genuine identity, free from the constraints of addiction, is one of the most profound and liberating experiences.

Reflecting on my journey through addiction, these ten lessons stand as beacons of guidance that potentially could have helped to illuminate the darkness of my past.  If I could convey this wisdom to my younger self, perhaps the road to recovery would have been smoother, and the shadows less daunting.  Regardless of whether you align with every lesson I've outlined, I'm highly confident that at least one of them could yield a positive impact on any child.  Even if you find yourself disagreeing with all ten, I firmly believe there's no harm in allowing any child to explore and consider these lessons.  Though I cannot rewrite the past, I hope that these lessons may serve as a compass for those still grappling with the challenges of addiction, guiding them toward a brighter and more fulfilling future.

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to help spread awareness today.

56. Your Past Does Not Define You

The journey of overcoming substance abuse, compounded by a lengthy criminal history, is a challenging and multifaceted endeavor. Society often perpetuates the belief that an individual's past, especially involving legal transgressions, defines their identity.  This misconception can be particularly burdensome for those grappling with substance abuse and a criminal record.  However, it is crucial to understand that one's past does not always necessarily dictate their future.  In the context of substance abuse and criminal history, breaking free from the chains of addiction involves a profound shift in perspective – a realization that the narrative of one's life is not predetermined by past mistakes but can be rewritten through resilience, growth, and change.

Substance abuse and criminal behavior very often share a complex and interconnected relationship.  The legal consequences of substance abuse can lead to criminal charges, creating a vicious cycle that seems impossible to escape.  However, it is essential to recognize that this cycle does not define an individual's inherent character. Substance abuse and criminal behavior are symptomatic of underlying issues that can be addressed through rehabilitation, support, and a commitment to change.

A criminal history is a part of an individual's narrative, but it does not encapsulate their entire identity.  It is important to distinguish between the actions that led to a criminal record and the potential for transformation and growth.  The criminal justice system often focuses on punishment, but the journey of overcoming substance abuse and a criminal history involves rehabilitation, redemption, and reintegration into society.

The legal system often reinforces the myth that a person's criminal history defines them indefinitely. This perspective can hinder an individual's efforts to break free from the shackles of addiction and criminal behavior.  A more enlightened approach recognizes that individuals can change and rehabilitate themselves, contributing positively to society despite their past mistakes.

Recovery from substance abuse and criminal behavior is a comprehensive process that goes beyond mere abstinence.  It involves addressing the root causes of both issues, rebuilding relationships, and navigating the legal consequences while fostering personal growth. Recovery is not about erasing the past.  Instead, it is about transforming it into a source of strength and resilience.

The stigma surrounding criminal history often exacerbates the challenges faced by individuals seeking recovery.  External societal stigma and internalized self-stigmatization can impede progress. Challenging these narratives involves recognizing that everyone is capable of change and redemption.  Society, too, must evolve its perspective on individuals with criminal records, providing opportunities for rehabilitation and reintegration.

The journey of overcoming substance abuse and criminal history is inherently marked by adversity. However, adversity does not define an individual; it provides an opportunity for growth and resilience.  Though significant, the legal consequences of past actions should not be insurmountable barriers to rehabilitation and a brighter future. Resilience involves facing the challenges presented by substance abuse and a criminal record, learning from them, and using those experiences to fuel personal development.

Self-reflection remains a powerful tool on the path to recovery, especially when dealing with both substance abuse and a criminal history.  It involves introspection, acknowledging mistakes, understanding the factors that led to substance abuse and criminal behavior, and taking responsibility for one's actions.  While the past serves as a teacher, it should not be a lifelong sentence.  Through self-reflection, individuals can gain insights into their motivations and triggers, empowering them to make informed decisions for a healthy and law-abiding future.

True liberation from the clutches of substance abuse and a criminal history comes from embracing change and transformation.  It involves adopting a growth mindset, understanding that integrity and character can be developed through dedication and hard work.  By fostering a mindset that welcomes change and views challenges as opportunities for growth, individuals can rewrite their narratives and embark on a journey of continuous improvement despite the legal hurdles they may face.

Recovery from substance abuse and criminal history is not a solitary endeavor; it thrives in a supportive environment.  Building a network of understanding friends, family, and professionals becomes even more critical when legal challenges are part of the equation.  A supportive environment encourages openness, reduces the stigma surrounding both issues and reinforces the idea that a person's past, though marked by mistakes, does not define their worth or potential for positive change.

The journey of overcoming substance abuse and a criminal history is a testament to the resilience of the human spirit.  By dispelling the myth that one's past, especially involving legal transgressions, defines their identity, individuals can embark on a transformative journey toward recovery. Substance abuse and a criminal history should be viewed as symptoms, not inherent traits, and the narrative of one's life can be rewritten through self-reflection, resilience, and the embrace of change.  The power to redefine oneself lies within, waiting to be harnessed on the path to a healthier, law-abiding, and more fulfilling future. Breaking the chains of addiction and legal consequences requires not only letting go of the past but also realizing the infinite potential for growth and change that lies ahead.

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to help spread awareness today.

55. A Journey of Vulnerability, Connection, & Transformation

People often inquire about my choice to divulge the intimate details of my former substance abuse and criminal history in this weekly column.  Some view it as a daring venture with a high-risk factor, and perhaps, they're right.  Frequently, I'm met with questioning looks and asked, "Why do you disclose so much about your past?"  Doubts linger: "What if you pursue a job, and potential employers stumble upon all these revelations?"  The truth is that delving into my criminal record reveals only a fraction of my story, offering a limited perspective.  The safeguard of HIPAA laws ensures that details regarding my struggles with substance abuse and mental health remain largely concealed.  And so, the question remains: why embark on the risky journey of laying bare my past "skeletons" for all to read?

Well, let me explain… I recently began venturing into the realm of Facebook Marketplace to sell various antiques and collectibles which has introduced me to a diverse array of individuals, each with their own unique life stories.  A few weeks ago, I conducted a transaction with a gentleman.  We negotiated back and forth a bit and eventually came to an agreement on a fair price.  After the interaction, he left an encouraging comment in my inbox, urging me to "keep doing what you're doing" in reference to my weekly columns and my past TEDxGoshen talk.  He had browsed through some of my Facebook posts regarding my journey with substance abuse and mental health disorders, tuned into my TEDxGoshen talk from this past summer, and even began reading these weekly columns on my website (kream-blog.com) where I share the very narratives you are currently reading (mind you, they are delayed by six weeks).

Now, fast forward to just a few days ago, as he reached out again to acquire another item I had listed for sale.  We engaged in similar negotiations, again reaching a fair agreement on a price for the item. At that point, I assumed our conversation would conclude with the completion of the transaction.  However, my expectations were pleasantly shattered when he responded with an unexpected message.  Here's what he sent...

“I'm going out of my comfort zone but as they say what the hell.  Let me know the total and I'll Venmo you the money. And as usual, it was an absolute pleasure doing business with you.  You've been a role model for me with my current change in lifestyle that has to do with my diet, weight control, and diabetes management.  I am now, over the course of three months, in diabetes remission because of my weight loss and it's not a fad.  It is a total commitment to a new lifestyle and reading your story has truly been inspirational, and motivating, and it will continue to motivate me in the future as I take one day at a time making sure I don't stray from my plan.  Thankfully day by day I'm getting stronger with this and it's just turning into complete normalcy.  Thanks for being so strong yourself and helping me even if it's been at a distance.”

I’ve never crossed paths with this gentleman in the real world and if he were to stand beside me in a grocery store, he would more than likely slip by unnoticed.  Yet, his encouraging words have served as a powerful reminder of why I willingly expose the depths of my past.  This vulnerability in my weekly columns is not confined to only those grappling with substance abuse or mental health disorders; it extends its relevance to anyone aspiring to initiate positive changes in their lives.  This column, while rooted in my personal experiences with substance abuse and mental health struggles, transcends those boundaries.  Its insights and principles can resonate with anyone on a journey toward improvement, whether it involves weight loss, smoking cessation, increased physical activity, or any other positive lifestyle transformation.  By sharing the intricate events and lessons from my own history, I aim to offer a universal narrative that speaks to the broader spectrum of human challenges and triumphs.

Through the lens of my past, I strive to weave a narrative that resonates with the shared aspirations and obstacles that unite us all.  Whether someone is navigating the complexities of addiction, embarking on a fitness journey, or endeavoring to cultivate healthier habits, the underlying principles of resilience, self-discovery, and the pursuit of positive change remain constant.  In embracing vulnerability, I aspire to foster a sense of communal understanding and encouragement, illustrating that our collective narratives hold the potential to inspire and uplift each other on the path to personal growth.

In reflecting on this incredible journey of self-disclosure, connection, and unexpected inspiration, I am reminded that the power of sharing one's truth extends far beyond achieving personal catharsis (the process of releasing negative emotions such as grief and anger, thereby relieving the adverse psychological impact of these emotions). The heartfelt message from the gentleman on Facebook Marketplace reinforces the transformative impact that vulnerability can have on others, and it reinforces my purpose of doing what I do.  His courage to step out of his comfort zone and share his own journey towards a healthier lifestyle echoes the essence of this column – that our stories, no matter how diverse, possess the universal ability to motivate and uplift.  As we navigate the unpredictable terrain of life, each revelation, every shared experience, becomes a stepping-stone toward collective resilience and growth.  In embracing vulnerability, we not only illuminate our own path but also illuminate the way for others to find strength, inspiration, and a shared sense of humanity.  Together, we can forge a narrative that transcends the boundaries of individual struggles, creating a tapestry of connection and encouragement that binds us in the pursuit of positive lifestyle changes.

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to help spread awareness today.

54. Functioning Alcoholics/Addicts – Do They Really Exist?

The concept of a "functioning alcoholic" or "functioning drug addict" often elicits a sense of contradiction, challenging the conventional understanding of addiction.  The term "functioning alcoholic" or "functioning addict" is frequently used to describe individuals who, despite having a substance abuse problem, are able to maintain a semblance of normalcy in their daily lives.  These individuals may hold down jobs, fulfill family responsibilities, and engage in social activities while struggling with alcoholism and/or drug addiction.  They may not exhibit the stereotypical signs of impairment that are commonly associated with substance abuse.  It's important to note that the concept of a functioning alcoholic or addict doesn't imply that the person is immune to the negative consequences of substance abuse. Rather, it suggests that they are adept at concealing their struggles and maintaining a facade of functionality.  Over time, however, the impact of substance abuse can take a toll on their physical and mental health, relationships, and overall well-being.

While some individuals may appear to function relatively well despite their addiction, it's crucial to recognize that this is not a stable or sustainable way of living.  Substance abuse tends to have cumulative and detrimental effects over time, and seeking help and treatment is essential for addressing the underlying issues and achieving lasting recovery.

Functioning individuals with substance abuse disorders develop a tolerance to the effects of alcohol or drugs over time, allowing them to consume significant amounts without overt signs of impairment.  Contrary to the stereotypical image of a non-functioning addict, those who are functional continue to excel in their professional and personal lives.  They hold down jobs, fulfill family obligations, and maintain social connections, all while concealing their internal struggles.  Functioning alcoholics and addicts master the art of hiding their battles.  They deny the severity of their addiction, both to themselves and others, using denial as a coping mechanism to preserve a semblance of normalcy.  Functioning addicts often justify their substance abuse as a means of stress relief, enhanced creativity, or other perceived benefits.  These rationalizations further enable them to maintain functionality despite their addiction.

And so… the question lingers: Can one truly sustain a lifestyle as a functioning alcoholic or drug addict in the long run?  While it may seem plausible in the short term, the consequences of such a life eventually catch up, challenging the very fabric of stability these individuals work so hard to maintain.

Substance abuse takes a toll on both physical and mental health. Despite their functional exterior, functioning addicts may experience deteriorating health, heightened stress, and mental health issues like anxiety and depression.  Maintaining personal relationships becomes an uphill battle for functioning addicts.  Loved ones may eventually sense changes in behavior, mood swings, and unreliability, leading to strained relationships and emotional turbulence.  While functioning alcoholics and addicts may excel at work initially, the prolonged effects of substance abuse can jeopardize their careers.  Decreased productivity, absenteeism, and impaired decision-making can unravel the professional facade they meticulously construct.  Functioning alcoholics and addicts are not immune to legal repercussions.  Driving under the influence, substance-related offenses, and other legal troubles may emerge, further complicating their personal and professional lives.

In my journey through the struggles of substance abuse and subsequent recovery, I've encountered numerous individuals who embody the paradoxical role of a functioning alcoholic or addict.  One such example is a man named Johnny, a 54-year-old former top executive at a prestigious banking company, who held an impressive array of degrees and certifications.  With a loving spouse, two beautiful children, and a desirable lifestyle featuring a huge house and luxury cars, Johnny seemed to have it all.

Alcoholism ran rampant in his family history and had claimed both of his parents, while his siblings battled their own struggles with excessive drinking.  Johnny's journey with alcoholism began in high school, intensifying to a point where, during his college years, he was consuming hard liquor on a daily basis.  Even with his daily drinking, he was able to graduate at the top of his class and begin his career in the banking industry.  As he embarked on his professional career, Johnny continued his heavy drinking habits.  His daily train commute became the setting for discreetly downing three to five "shooters" (the small liquor bottles that hold a shot of liquor) obtained from liquor stores. Over time, this evolved into a cycle of pre-work, lunchtime, and post-work drinking.  The volume escalated, shifting from shooters to a full fifth of charcoal rum consumed throughout the day.  One fateful day, Johnny broke his unwavering streak of never forgetting to grab a fifth of liquor for his next day’s morning commute to work.  Despite the unprecedented lapse, Johnny wasn’t too worried and planned on getting his fix when the liquor store opened the following day.  The next morning, during his train ride commute to New York City, Johnny experienced an unsettling trifecta of symptoms: an upset stomach, hand tremors, and intense cold sweats.  Attributing these maladies to a possible viral infection circulating, he dismissed the issue as a passing inconvenience.  After his train reached New York City, Johnny's immediate destination was the liquor store to replenish his daily alcohol supply.  Quickly cracking open one of the fifths, he downed half of it in three substantial swigs.  Astonishingly, within fifteen minutes, the tremors subsided, the cold sweats evaporated, and his stomach returned to normal.  Unbeknownst to Johnny at the time, the distressing symptoms were withdrawals stemming from the absence of alcohol that morning.  This episode marked a turning point, as he seldom missed another day without his daily liquor fix.  Constant anxiety gripped him until he secured his regular alcohol haul.  Astonishingly, Johnny maintained this routine for over twenty years, all the while excelling in his career, starting a family, and concealing the extent of his alcohol consumption from almost everyone around him.

However, as Johnny approached retirement, the toll of his excessive drinking began to manifest.  Trying to sustain the same lifestyle without repercussions from his loved ones proved increasingly challenging.  Fearing the judgment of his family, Johnny resorted to more substantial amounts of alcohol during his covert outings.  Lies piled up, his physical and mental health deteriorated, and he became constantly anxious and agitated without a drink.  Two years after retiring, Johnny found himself at rock bottom, contemplating suicide in his garage with the barrel of a loaded 12-gauge shotgun in his mouth and a liter of cheap, charcoal rum beside him.  The culmination of a failed marriage (due to his drinking), financial ruin (due to his drinking), and the relentless grip of alcohol dependence pushed Johnny to the brink.  Despite the depth of his despair, he fortunately couldn't bring himself to end his life (thank God).  This pivotal moment led him to enter a rehab where he would begin to try and turn his life around.  This same rehab is where Johnny and I met for the first time.

The story of Johnny serves as a stark reminder that the facade of functionality in the face of substance abuse is not sustainable in the long run.  For 20 years, Johnny successfully navigated his professional and personal life while harboring a dark secret.  However, the consequences caught up with him, forcing him to confront the devastating impact of his alcohol abuse in a rehabilitation center. 

The kind of life led by individuals like Johnny, and countless others, will eventually come crashing down.  Whether it's a year, two years, or twenty, the inevitable truth is that, eventually, the repercussions of long-term substance abuse catch up.

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to help spread awareness today.

53. The Importance of Humor

Believe it or not, humor plays a crucial role in substance abuse and recovery.  Laughter has the power to break down barriers and create a sense of camaraderie among individuals facing the challenges of addiction.  In the midst of recovery, humor serves as a coping mechanism, helping individuals navigate the emotional turbulence that often accompanies the process of overcoming substance abuse. It provides a means to lighten the weight of self-reflection and fosters a positive mindset, promoting resilience and perseverance.  Moreover, shared laughter in support groups or therapy sessions can strengthen social bonds, creating a supportive environment where individuals feel understood and encouraged.  By incorporating humor into the recovery journey, individuals not only find moments of joy but also develop a healthier perspective on their experiences, contributing to long-term well-being and a sustained commitment to sobriety.

Among my various stints in rehab, there were numerous instances when laughter became a lifeline, escaping my lips with such intensity that breathing became a challenge.  Despite these stretches in rehab being some of the darkest times of my entire life, I often find myself looking back and laughing to myself as I remember certain events that unfolded during those times.  Reflecting on those challenging stretches, I realize that even within the depths of hardship, humor serves as a resilient companion, offering respite and a glimpse of positivity during the darkest of times.

My initial experience in rehab dates back to February 2018.  It was a period in my life when I was completely broken and scared of what the future held for me.  The daunting prospect of a challenging detox loomed before me, and uncertainty clouded my belief in my strength to persevere.  Despite these uncertainties, I successfully navigated the detox phase and transitioned to the rehabilitation segment of my stay, a move that entailed a shift to a new wing in the hospital where I would share a room with a roommate.  My roommate, whom I'll refer to as "Miami" for confidentiality purposes, was a 40-year-old crack addict with a serious drinking problem.  A New York City native, Miami found himself in this particular rehab due to a court-mandated intervention.  Homeless, estranged from his children, and with a history of recurring struggles with addiction and the criminal justice system, Miami epitomized the term "institutionalized."  Being institutionalized refers to a state where an individual has spent a significant amount of time living in and adapting to the routines, norms, and structures of an institution, such as a mental health facility, prison, or long-term care facility.  The term is often associated with a person becoming accustomed to the institutional environment to the extent that reintegration into society becomes challenging.  The rehab's bedrooms had thermostats encased in clear, lockable boxes to prevent tampering.  They always remained set to a specific temperature and locked.  On my first night as Miami's roommate, he looked at me and said, "Yo, Cal (this is how he pronounced my name), tonight... we're sleeping in Miami."  Puzzled, I watched as he cleverly used a pencil to pick the lock so that he could crank the thermostat to a sweltering 95 degrees.  This nightly ritual became our shared routine.  Despite my discomfort in the tropical room, Miami, accustomed to sleeping in harsh conditions due to homelessness, reveled in the warmth.  I would be stripped down to my boxers and still profusely sweating while Miami slept like a baby on the other side of the room.  Eventually ousted from rehab for a confrontation with another patient, Miami vanished from my life.  I often find myself pondering his fate, but the memories of his nightly declaration, "We're sleeping in Miami tonight, Cal," consistently bring a smile to my face.  In hindsight, Miami inadvertently infused my early rehab experience with comfort, concluding each challenging day with laughter and camaraderie.

There’s another memory from that first stint in rehab that remains rent-free in my mind.  The TV room was a communal space for patients.   On this day one of the counselors had us gather in the TV room for the group she was running.   Groups could be boring at times, especially after a long day, in the same way school can sometimes be boring for children.  About 20 minutes into the group, a fellow patient, whom I'll call "Tooth," dozed off.  Tooth, much like me and Miami, struggled with severe alcohol dependency.  I wasn’t particularly fond of Tooth.  He just rubbed me the wrong way.  To this day I’m not even sure what it was about him that I didn’t like.  As a consequence of years of neglect compounded by alcohol abuse, most of Tooth’s teeth had rotted.  Tooth cared more about booze and alcohol than he did taking care of his teeth.  His addiction, like mine and so many other addicts, had his priorities all out of whack.  In one of his jail stints, Tooth was fitted for and given dentures.  The dentures that were made for him were way too big for his mouth.  They made his teeth look like a horse’s mouth.  Jail apparently doesn’t provide you with top-notch dental services. During the group session, Tooth dozed off, his limp form in the chair with his head slumped backward so that his mouth faced the ceiling, emitting occasional snores.  Suddenly, Tooth let out a massive snort, jolting upright, leading everyone to believe he had awoken abruptly. However, he continued coughing and gasping for air.  The revelation unfolded that Tooth's dentures had dislodged during his nap, slipping halfway down his throat.  He was literally choking on his dentures. Swift medical intervention ensued, employing the Heimlich maneuver to prevent a life-threatening situation.  Eventually, the dentures were dislodged, and despite Tooth not being my preferred companion in rehab, his good sense of humor prevailed.  After the incident, the entire group, including the counselor, erupted in tears of laughter upon realizing Tooth's unusual predicament. Though infrequent, this experience sometimes resurfaces in my thoughts, never failing to bring a smile to my face.

The role of humor, especially in the context of substance abuse and recovery, is undeniably transformative.  It can transcend the challenges of addiction, fostering camaraderie, resilience, and a positive mindset during the arduous journey towards sobriety.  As I reflect on my own experiences in rehab, marked by the darkness of detoxes and uncertainty of the future, moments of shared laughter still manage to bring a smile to my face to this very day.  From Miami's nightly rituals that added extreme warmth to our bedroom to Tooth's unexpected denture mishap, humor became an unexpected ally in the face of adversity.  These memories, though marked with the struggles of addiction, now bring a smile to my face, underscoring the therapeutic power of laughter in navigating the complexities of recovery.  Through humor, individuals not only find moments of joy but also forge bonds that contribute to long-term well-being and a sustained commitment to sobriety.

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to help spread awareness today.