87. Choosing Your Friends Wisely in Recovery
Recovery from addiction is one of the most challenging and transformative journeys a person can undertake. It requires immense discipline, self-awareness, and an unwavering commitment to change. However, one of the most overlooked aspects of recovery is the importance of choosing the right friends. The people we surround ourselves with can either support and uplift us or drag us back into the cycle of addiction. This makes the process of selecting friends an essential part of long-term sobriety. When I first got sober, I thought I could do it without changing too much about my life. I truly believed I could hang out with the same people, go to the same places, and just white-knuckle my way through it. I convinced myself that I was strong enough to be around some of my old friends without slipping back into old habits. Recovery doesn’t work that way, and I learned that the hard way.
Human beings are inherently social creatures, and the people we associate with shape our thoughts, behaviors, and decisions. For someone in recovery, having a strong support system is crucial, as addiction often thrives in isolation and negative environments. Surrounding oneself with positive, understanding, and supportive individuals can reinforce healthy habits and provide the emotional strength needed to resist temptation.
The people we surround ourselves with can make or break us in recovery. This isn’t just a cliché—it’s a truth I’ve felt in my bones. Early on, I had to take a long, painful look at the friendships I had built over the years. Some of these people have been in my life forever. They had seen me at my best and my worst. Some of them had been right there in the trenches with me, passing bottles, popping pills, and lighting up in the darkness. There was comfort in that shared chaos, in knowing we had survived it together, but survival isn’t the same as living, and I wanted to live.
One of the hardest lessons in recovery is learning that not all friendships are meant to last. It can be painful to walk away from long-term relationships, but sometimes, it is necessary for personal growth and sobriety. Recognizing when a friendship is toxic and having the courage to step away can be life-saving. Letting go does not mean harboring resentment or anger. Instead, it means accepting that some people are not aligned with your journey and wishing them well from a distance. In doing so, you create space for new, healthier relationships that truly support your recovery.
The hardest part wasn’t recognizing that some of my friendships were unhealthy. The hardest part was accepting that I had to step away from them, even from people I still loved. It felt like another loss, another thing addiction had stolen from me. At times, I grieved those friendships like death because, in some ways, they were deaths—the death of a version of myself I could no longer be, the death of connections built on self-destruction rather than growth.
On the other hand, maintaining relationships with people who enable or encourage substance use can be dangerous. Even if they do not explicitly pressure an individual to relapse, simply being around those who engage in unhealthy behaviors can create an atmosphere of temptation. It is critical to recognize that influence is powerful, and even the strongest willpower can be eroded by continuous exposure to negative influences.
I had friends who felt like I was abandoning them. People who accused me of thinking I was “better” than them now. That cut deep because I knew exactly what they meant. I had been that person before—watching someone else get sober while I was still lost in my addiction. I had rolled my eyes at them, convinced they would eventually come back to the fold. I had told myself they were just in a “phase.” And now, on the other side of it, I understood. My recovery was a mirror they didn’t want to look into, just like I once hadn’t wanted to see my own reflection.
Letting go of those friendships left me feeling isolated at times. There were days when I thought, “Is this really worth it if I have to be alone?” But then I started to find my people—the ones who didn’t just tolerate my recovery but celebrated it. People who didn’t just avoid drinking around me but who actively encouraged my growth. People who held me accountable without judgment and who reminded me, on the hardest days, why I chose sobriety in the first place. These friendships weren’t built overnight. Trust had to be earned; walls had to be broken down. But they became my lifeline. I realized that true friends don’t put you in harm’s way. They don’t test your limits just to see if you’ll break. True friends don’t make you feel guilty for choosing yourself. And the best ones? Well, they walk beside you.
The company we keep has a profound impact on our recovery journey. Choosing friends wisely is not just about avoiding bad influences but about actively seeking those who uplift, support, and encourage us to be our best selves. It requires a careful balance of discernment, patience, and self-respect. While it can be difficult to recognize friendships or relationships that no longer serve us, doing so is a necessary step in maintaining long-term sobriety. By surrounding ourselves with positive influences and cultivating genuine, healthy friendships, we give ourselves the best chance at a fulfilling, sober life. One of the most important lessons I’ve learned is that recovery is a journey best traveled with people who truly have our best interests at heart.
If you’re in recovery, I won’t tell you that letting go of certain friendships will be easy. It won’t be. It might be one of the hardest things you ever do. But I will tell you this: It’s worth it because the friendships you gain in sobriety, the ones built on honesty, love, and mutual respect—those are the friendships that will save your life. And nothing, no memory, no misplaced loyalty, no temporary loneliness, is worth sacrificing that. There will be moments when nostalgia sneaks in, and you wonder what it would be like to go back for just one night, one drink, one taste of what was left behind. In those moments, remind yourself that you didn’t just leave your addiction behind—you left the pain, the regret, the self-loathing. You left the friendships that only existed in the fog of substance abuse. You left the chaos that you once called home. Choose wisely. Choose people who choose you—your real, sober, healing self. It’s the best gift you can give to yourself, and it’s one you deserve.
And remember, if you’re struggling or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope. If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to help spread awareness today.
