52. Easter

Five years ago, I spent Easter in a jail cell while detoxing cold turkey from alcohol and Benzodiazepines in Orange County Jail.  It turns out that the Easter Bunny doesn’t make a pit stop at the local jail to deliver candy and hide eggs for the prisoners.  I’d been arrested many times before, but this time I was facing much more serious charges than in the past - ones that, if convicted, carry hefty prison sentences.

A mere week before Easter of 2019, I was arrested by the City of Middletown Police after pulling into a public parking lot and recklessly clipping a parked car.  I was so messed up from eating Xanax “bars” and drinking beers earlier that day that I didn’t even realize I had hit anything at all.  Obliviously, I parked, locked up my car, and went into the bar across the street to throw back a few more cold ones and keep my “buzz” going.  A short while later I looked outside and happened to see police lights flashing in the parking lot that I had parked in. To this day, I still don’t know what I was thinking when I stormed out of that bar and up to those police officers, brazenly and rudely asking what they were doing near my car knowing damn well what I had stashed away inside.  If this isn’t proof that drugs make you do crazy things, then I don’t know what is.  The officers proceeded to tell me I was caught on camera hitting a parked car.  Next, they asked if I had any weapons or drugs on me and it was at that very moment that I realized the jig was up, and I was done for.  I told them that I did have “some” pills in my car that could be found in my driver-side door panel and the center console.  Officers began searching my car, ripping through my belongings until they finally found two sandwich bags full of a combined 520 Xanax “bars.”  They arrested me on the spot and charged me with felony intent to distribute a controlled substance, felony possession of a controlled substance, several drug possession misdemeanors, and tons of driving violations.

I woke up out of my blackout in Orange County Jail nearly two days later (no exaggeration at all) with absolutely no recollection of what I had been arrested for.  Mixing alcohol and Benzodiazepines is extremely dangerous, often resulting in “blackouts.”  I vividly remember waking up and reading the word “INMATE” written on the leg of my jail jumpsuit, and the horrible feeling of my heart sinking into my stomach that immediately followed.

I spent the entire week locked in a single cell, for over twenty-three hours a day in the medical unit.  I was placed there for a minimum of seven days which is protocol for an inmate withdrawing from alcohol AND Benzos.  I was let out of my cell for thirty minutes daily to shower and make a phone call.  There were days when the COs were so busy dealing with other prisoners in the dorm that my shower and phone calls were overlooked.  My cell consisted of a metal cot, a toilet with a sink connected on top, and a broken clock/speaker on one of the walls.  My cell door had a small, sliver of window that looked out into the common area of the dorm where other prisoners passed time watching TV, eating meals, working out, and playing card games.  I was only allowed to have two white T-shirts, two pairs of boxers, two pairs of socks, and one pair of “jail slides” (a slip-on shoe) in my cell at any given time.  I wasn’t allowed ANY books or magazines the entire week. Time seems to slow down to almost a complete halt when you’re withdrawing from alcohol and drugs while locked in a jail cell with absolutely nothing to do.  I was so bored that I resorted to counting the small holes in each concrete block of my jail cell’s walls.  I was grasping at straws; doing anything to try and pass the time.

Easter arrived a week later, and I was still locked up.  There would be no annual Easter dinner with my family that night.  Instead, I found myself eating bread that I sprinkled a packet of sugar on.  It was all I could manage to keep down as a result of withdrawals paired with how nasty the food looked AND smelled.  I’ll never forget the stench of some of those meals; it’s as though the smell was burned into my nostrils. Although these memories from addiction are unpleasant, they help me remain vigilant against my disease of addiction.  Someone once told me that if I forget where I came from, I’m bound to end up back there; and I most definitely don’t want that.  Today, I get to spend Easter with my family and life just keeps getting better and better for me the longer I stay clean.

May this Easter holiday season find you safe and serene, as we continue to navigate life's journey, one step at a time.  Cheers!

51. How a Lady Asking Me to Write a Weekly Column for The Indy Has Changed My Life in Unimaginable Ways

At the age of 31, I found an extraordinary bond with a woman who happens to be my mother's age… Literally.  They went to school together!  Our friendship transcends generational boundaries and that defies some societal norms.  Our shared interests became the cornerstone of this unique companionship.  Through a shared love for our little town and our love for helping others, we discovered common ground that surpassed the differences in our birth years.  Our friendship, built on mutual respect and genuine affection, serves as a testament to the notion that true companionship knows no age limits.  In an unexpected turn of events nearly one year ago, Wendy Bynum-Wade, one of the editors of The Independent Republican, asked me to write a weekly column delving into the details of my experiences with substance abuse, mental health, and recovery. Wendy took a leap of faith in me.  It requires a unique individual to take a risk and entrust a former drug addict with writing an article for a local newspaper.  She granted me the freedom to explore any topic I desired, assuring me that if there was ever content she didn't endorse, she would communicate her concerns.  This unexpected invitation has provided me with a platform to share my wisdom and experiences with a much bigger audience.  As we embarked on this new venture together, our friendship took on an additional layer of purpose, demonstrating that age is merely a number in the context of friendships and that shared passions can unite even the most unlikely companions.

Embarking on the challenging path of recovery from substance abuse and mental health issues is a deeply personal journey, filled with twists, turns, and unexpected revelations.  Little did I know that this opportunity to write a weekly column on these topics would not only become an outlet for my experiences but also a lifeline that would profoundly impact my recovery.  Being able to chronicle my struggles and triumphs has not only enhanced others understanding of substance abuse and mental health but has also played a pivotal role in my life.  I can honestly say, with 100% certainty, that this opportunity gave new purpose to my life and sent me down a path that I never could have imagined in my wildest dreams.

The act of chronicling my experiences forced me to confront the roots of my challenges, unraveling the intricate layers of my journey.  Through reflection, I’ve gained valuable insights into the patterns of my behavior, the events and triggers that led me to substance abuse, and the underlying mental health issues that I ignored for far too long.  I've grappled with expressing emotions throughout my life, finding it challenging to convey my feelings authentically.  I must admit, I'm not particularly affectionate, and that’s me being generous.  The reasons behind this aspect of my personality remain somewhat elusive to me.  Nevertheless, I recognize that personal growth is an ongoing journey, and I'm actively working on it.  Writing quickly became a lifeline, helping to reveal aspects of myself that required attention, like showing affection and sharing emotions.  In the midst of this, a unique opportunity has emerged, serving as a valuable outlet for me.  Within this space, I've discovered a comfort zone where expressing emotions, typically elusive in my daily interactions, becomes more natural. Surprisingly, I've found that the act of translating my emotions onto paper feels significantly more fluid than attempting to do so in real-life situations.  From the outset, the act of putting pen to paper became my daily therapeutic refuge.  The process of articulating my experiences, struggles, and victories offered a cathartic release, allowing me to confront the raw emotions that had long been suppressed.  Writing has become a form of self-expression, a means through which I can document the complexities of my journey.  I found solace in this, as each sentence has become a stepping stone on the path to healing.

As my columns unfolded, they became a bridge between my personal struggles and the larger community.  The power of storytelling became evident as readers connected with my narratives, realizing that they were not alone in their own personal battles.  The columns have opened up conversations about substance abuse and mental health, dismantling the walls of stigma that keep many silent for far too long. In sharing my vulnerabilities, I inadvertently became a beacon of hope for others, and the sense of community that emerged became an unexpected source of strength for me.  The column continues to be a means for therapeutic dialogue with my readers.  Through conversations, emails, and community events, I discovered the profound impact my words had on others facing similar challenges.  The exchange of experiences, advice, and encouragement created a supportive network that has transcended the confines of a printed page.  In turn, these interactions continue to reinforce my commitment to recovery, as the collective strength of shared stories becomes a lifeline for not just myself but many others.

This weekly commitment quickly became a powerful tool for accountability.  It forced me to confront my own progress and setbacks.  The act of sharing my struggles with a wider audience created a sense of responsibility, motivating me to stay committed to my recovery.  It was through this sense of accountability that I began to witness noticeable changes in my habits and mindset, solidifying my dedication to recovery.

There have been moments in my journey when the shadows of despair threatened to push me to the brink.  However, the commitment to my weekly column has helped pull me back from the brink.  The responsibility to deliver a piece each week became a source of structure and purpose, providing me with a reason to persevere during the darkest hours. In those moments, writing became not just a therapeutic exercise but a beacon of light that guided me through the storm. The process of understanding and articulating the complexities of mental health and substance abuse has helped forge a deep connection with my readers.  In turn, this connection became a source of strength, reinforcing the idea that recovery is not a solitary journey but rather a collective effort to support and uplift one another.

A mere year ago, the idea that I would be the author of a weekly column on substance abuse, mental health, and recovery would have been met with laughter.  The notion of forming a deep friendship with a woman my mother's age would have seemed even more absurd.  Yet, here we are, a year into my journey as a columnist for The Independent Republican, and Wendy Bynum-Wade, the editor, has seamlessly transformed into one of my closest confidantes.  The profound impact of this unexpected friendship has been nothing short of transformative.  This unique opportunity has offered me a crucial outlet, a space outside the confines of my own mind—a place that, for me, can be dangerous.  Pouring my thoughts onto paper has become a therapeutic endeavor, a means of holding myself accountable in my recovery journey.  The act of writing has provided a sense of comfort for me, marking the first time I've truly felt at ease with my place in this hectic world.  So, with that being said, I’d like to thank my readers.  You have helped me more than you know in this past year.  And to one of my best friends, Wendy Bynum-Wade, thank you for taking a chance on me and for the opportunity that you have provided me.  I am forever grateful for you.

The opportunity to write this weekly column on substance abuse and mental health has been an unforeseen lifeline in my journey to recovery.  From a therapeutic outlet for personal struggles to a platform for fostering connection and breaking stigmas, the act of chronicling my experiences has been truly transformative.  The commitment to accountability, self-reflection, and engaging in a therapeutic dialogue has not only enhanced my understanding of recovery but has also played a pivotal role in giving new purpose to my life.  As I continue to navigate the winding road of recovery, I am grateful for the unexpected gift of writing a weekly column—a gift that continues to illuminate my path toward healing.  Thank you again, Wendy, you’ve changed my life in unimaginable ways.

Here’s to another year of columns!

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to help spread awareness today.

50. The Serenity Prayer

At first glance, I may appear as a six-foot-tall, skinny individual adorned with tattoos all over my body.  However, a closer inspection reveals that these very tattoos are more than mere ink on my skin; they are a tapestry of words, phrases, and images that carry profound personal significance. While some may view these tattoos without immediate comprehension, each inscription holds a deep meaning for me.  Take, for instance, the ink etched onto my neck bearing the phrase, "One Day at a Time."  Criticized by many who argue that a neck tattoo may impact others' perceptions, particularly in a professional context, what they fail to recognize is the significance this mantra holds for me.  Every time I gaze into a mirror, the words "One Day at a Time" serve as a poignant reminder to remain anchored in the present moment, steering clear of the tumultuous currents of the past or the anxieties of the future.  It acts as a guiding light, reining me back from the brink and providing a comforting sense of relief.  While outsiders may see nothing more than a tattooed neck, I see a daily lifeline that has profoundly influenced my journey to sobriety.

My most  meaningful piece is inscribed on my left forearm — a prayer known as "The Serenity Prayer."  It is short and sweet, and it goes like this, “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”  Beyond being a work of art, this “prayer” has played a pivotal role in both my recovery and my general approach to life.  Its words are not merely decorative; they encapsulate a philosophy that has provided me with immense strength and resilience.  In essence, these tattoos serve as more than inked designs on my skin; they are visual reminders of the principles that guide my daily life. 

The Serenity Prayer is simple, yet it stands as the cornerstone of my life's transformation.  Its influence extends far beyond the realm of ink on my skin; it has become a guiding force that shapes my perspective and approach to life’s challenges.  Often, when the terms "prayer" and "God" are invoked, they are tethered to religious contexts.  However, the Serenity Prayer defies such narrow associations.  Many recovery programs, such as Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) and Narcotics Anonymous (NA), incorporate the Serenity Prayer into their practices, and these programs are designed to be inclusive of individuals with different religious or spiritual beliefs.  It transcends religious boundaries, evolving into a spiritual mantra that resonates with the essence of human experience.  This prayer is a testament to the universality of its message, a message that goes beyond the confines of any specific faith.  It beckons us to embrace the concept of serenity, courage, and wisdom, offering a roadmap for navigating life's complexities.  It’s a source of support and empowerment for individuals, regardless of their religious inclinations.

In my journey through recovery and life's ebbs and flows, the Serenity Prayer has been a constant companion.  Its spiritual resonance has provided me with the strength to accept the unchangeable, the courage to confront the challenges within my control, and the wisdom to discern between the two.  As I trace its words with my fingertips, I am reminded not only of my own battles but also of the collective human experience—marked by struggle, resilience, and the pursuit of serenity.

The first line of the Serenity Prayer speaks to the importance of serenity, urging individuals to find peace in accepting the aspects of their lives that lie beyond their control.  In the realm of substance abuse and recovery, this acceptance is a foundational step.  Many who struggle with addiction grapple with a sense of powerlessness over their drug(s) of choice and the compulsion to use them. The Serenity Prayer encourages individuals to embrace serenity as a powerful tool for navigating the challenges that arise from this lack of control.  Acceptance involves acknowledging the reality of one's addiction without succumbing to despair.  It means recognizing the limitations of one's ability to change the past and understanding that some factors are beyond personal influence.  Serenity becomes a cornerstone for building resilience and maintaining mental and emotional stability, essential elements in the journey toward recovery.

The second line of the Serenity Prayer emphasizes the role of courage in the face of change. Acknowledging the need for change is a critical step in recovery, and courage becomes the catalyst for transformation. Individuals facing addiction are often confronted with the daunting task of breaking destructive patterns, confronting painful emotions, and making difficult decisions.  The Serenity Prayer instills a sense of courage, empowering individuals to take control of the aspects of their lives that are within their power to change.  Courage involves facing the challenges of alcohol and drug withdrawal, seeking help, and addressing the underlying issues contributing to addiction. It means confronting the fear of change and embracing the discomfort that can accompany growth. The Serenity Prayer serves as a rallying cry for those in recovery, reminding them that within their vulnerability lies the strength to pursue a healthier, substance-free life.

The final line of the Serenity Prayer encapsulates the essence of wisdom, urging individuals to discern between what can and cannot be changed.  This aspect of the prayer is particularly relevant in the context of addiction, where individuals may grapple with uncertainty about the root causes of their struggles and the most effective paths to recovery.  Wisdom in recovery involves making informed decisions, seeking guidance from experienced individuals or professionals, and developing a deep understanding of oneself.  It requires the ability to differentiate between situations that can be altered through one's efforts and those that can’t be altered, demanding acceptance of such.  The Serenity Prayer acts as a guide, fostering a sense of clarity and discernment that is indispensable in navigating the complexities of recovery.

The inked phrases, "One Day at a Time" and "The Serenity Prayer," encapsulate a philosophy of mindfulness, resilience, and serenity that have become integral to my journey.  In a world quick to judge based on appearances, these tattoos are not merely aesthetic choices; they are symbols of personal triumph and enduring reminders of the wisdom that has propelled me forward on my path to recovery and personal growth.

The Serenity Prayer stands as a universal source of guidance, transcending boundaries of spirituality, religious beliefs, or even one's stance as an atheist.  Its profound wisdom is not confined to those grappling with addiction; rather, it extends to anyone navigating the complexities of life. However, its timeless wisdom speaks directly to the challenges individuals face on the path to sobriety.  As those in recovery internalize the principles embedded in the Serenity Prayer, they find strength in acceptance, empowerment in courage, and clarity in wisdom.  It serves as a poignant reminder that, regardless of our individual circumstances, we all encounter moments where acceptance, courage, and wisdom are paramount.  The beauty of the Serenity Prayer lies in its adaptability, offering solace and empowerment to all.

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to help spread awareness today.

49. Emily Sigerson’s “Reverse Poem” on Addiction

In 2018, during my first-ever stint in rehab, I encountered a remarkably unique poem that initially didn't leave a profound impression on me. However, as I navigated through subsequent rehab programs in the following years, this particular poem often resurfaced in group therapy sessions, gradually revealing its genuine beauty upon each revisit. Delving deeper into its origins, I discovered that this masterpiece was penned by a woman named Emily Sigerson.  I’m not sure if she suffers from the disease of addiction or not.  I don’t think it matters either way.  Despite my limited knowledge about Emily, her poem resonated deeply with me. Through my research, I found that the poem is uniquely classified as a “reverse poem,” something I had never heard of before.  A reverse poem is a unique form of poetry where the meaning of the text becomes clear when read in a specific order, usually from top to bottom, and then takes on a different meaning when read in the opposite direction, from bottom to top.  In this specific poem reading it conventionally, from top to bottom, unveils a portrayal of the mindset of someone caught in active addiction.  Yet, when read in reverse, from bottom to top, the entire perspective changes, capturing the essence of the mindset of someone in recovery.  Regardless of Emily's personal connection to addiction, her poem beautifully conveys the intricate journey from the depths of addiction to the hopeful ascent of recovery.  Below is the poem when read conventionally, portraying the mindset of someone caught in the grips of active addiction…

In addiction

My soul is lost

I refuse to believe

That I can break out of this prison

Now I know, from the depths of my being

That recovery is unattainable

It is an absolute lie

That I am worthy of love and understanding

I will wholeheartedly confess

That my solution is in my next high

It is hopeless to think

I can get better

In case you believe otherwise

I respectfully disagree

I am too far gone and

I don’t think that

I am strong enough to fight this

You must not really know me because

I give up too easily

If you say that

I can do this

I don’t believe you

Now, upon reading it in reverse (the poem below has been reversed for you), the perspective shifts to the mindset of someone in recovery from active addiction.

I don’t believe you

I can do this

If you say that

I give up too easily

You must not really know me because

I am strong enough to fight this

I don’t think that

I am too far gone and

I respectfully disagree

In case you believe otherwise

I can get better

It is hopeless to think

That my solution is in my next high

I will wholeheartedly confess

That I am worthy of love and understanding

It is an absolute lie

That recovery is unattainable

Now I know, from the depths of my being

That I can break out of this prison

I refuse to believe

My soul is lost

In addiction

Sigerson cleverly presents a narrative that initially appears to embrace a feeling of hopelessness that is often experienced in active addiction.  It begins with a stark admission, "In addiction, my soul is lost," setting the tone for a journey through the depths of despair.  The lines, "I refuse to believe that I can break out of this prison," express a sense of entrapment, portraying addiction as an insurmountable confinement. The use of the term "prison" conveys a powerful metaphor, suggesting the inescapable nature of the struggles faced by those in the throes of active addiction.  That view is then intensified as she asserts, "Now I know, from the depths of my being, that recovery is unattainable."  Here, the poem seems to declare a definitive verdict that seeking recovery from addiction is not possible. 

The reversal, however, brings a surprising twist, exposing the inherent deception within the poem.  By untangling the words, a different narrative emerges.  The realization that "recovery is unattainable" becomes, "it is an absolute lie that recovery is unattainable."  This shift challenges the reader's initial assumptions and highlights the potential for recovery, even in the face of seemingly insurmountable odds.  The lines stating, "it is an absolute lie that I am worthy of love and understanding," initially indicate an addict’s deep-rooted feeling of self-loathing.  However, when reversed, it transforms into a declaration of self-worth: "It is an absolute lie that I am not worthy of love and understanding."  This dual perspective beautifully captures the internal conflict within individuals struggling with addiction, torn between feelings of unworthiness and the inherent human need for love and understanding.  "I will wholeheartedly confess that my solution is in my next high," first appears as a surrender to the destructive cycle of addiction.  However, the reversal challenges the perception that drugs hold the key to resolution, emphasizing the importance of seeking healthier alternatives for coping. The poem's complexity deepens with the lines, "It is hopeless to think I can get better; in case you believe otherwise, I respectfully disagree."  The reversed version asserts, "I can get better, it is hopeless to think, that my solution is in my next high."  This perfectly encapsulates the uncertainty often experienced by individuals grappling with addiction, torn between the despair of hopelessness and the flicker of optimism that change is possible.  The poem culminates with a moving reflection on self-perception: "You must not really know me because I give up too easily. If you say that I can do this, I don’t believe you."  The reversal challenges this pessimistic attitude, transforming it into an acknowledgment of resilience: "If you say that I give up too easily, you must not really know me because I am strong enough to fight this."  This final revelation exposed in the reversal challenges stereotypes surrounding addiction, asserting the strength and potential for recovery within each struggling individual.

Emily Sigerson's reverse poem on addiction artfully navigates the complexities of drug addiction.  By manipulating language, Sigerson challenges the reader to reconsider their preconceptions and judgments regarding individuals grappling with addiction.  The reversal of the poem challenges these preconceptions and illuminates the inherent resilience and potential for recovery within individuals struggling with addiction. Sigerson’s reversal encourages an understanding of addiction, emphasizing empathy, support, and the possibility of a transformative lifestyle change.

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to help spread awareness today.

48. The Beginning of the End Pt. 2

The events that unfolded on December 16th, 2019, forever changed the trajectory of my life.  Two days into a challenging detox from alcohol and Benzodiazepines, I grappled with severe withdrawal symptoms—cold sweats, shaky hands, upset stomach, etc.  The detox from both of those substances is BRUTAL.  Imagine having the flu and then amplifying that miserable feeling fiftyfold and you will get a taste of what withdrawing from these drugs feels like.  From experience, I knew it would only be 2-3 days more before I would begin feeling better. 

Anticipating a brief detox, fate took a drastic turn when I experienced a life-altering fall.  What was meant to be a short-term detox quickly transformed into an extended hospital stay lasting over a month.  An evening trip to the bathroom ended abruptly with a seizure, causing me to collapse, with my head bouncing off the porcelain toilet. Awaking amidst a cluster of nurses shining lights in my face, my attempts to stand up revealed an immobilized lower body—my brain-to-feet “connection” was disrupted, resulting in a diagnosis of temporary leg paralysis.  Alone and defeated in my hospital room, the notion of never walking again at the age of twenty-seven weighed heavily.  The initially brief detox evolved into an arduous month of rehabilitation, where doctors and therapists guided me through the intricate process of essentially relearning how to walk.

During this journey, the absence of my drug dealer and the “friends” I had been using drugs with became starkly apparent.  My true friends I grew up with were the ones to show up and check in on me.  They had distanced themselves from me for some time because they couldn’t bear to stand around and watch me kill myself with drugs and poor decisions.  My immediate family, who had witnessed firsthand the toll of my addiction, were able to visit during this hospital stay.  A moment of clarity struck one night when the stark reality hit me—I was trapped in a hospital, possibly paralyzed, and facing monumental legal troubles while my friends were busy celebrating milestones of marriage, parenthood, and career advancements.  Meanwhile, I was barely able to go to the bathroom on my own.

One day, a visit from my mother highlighted the far-reaching impact of my addiction beyond myself.  Her worn appearance revealed the toll of endless worry.  She had even taken out a life insurance policy on me—a sobering testament to the imminent danger I posed to myself.  She quite literally spent every single night wondering if she was going to get the call that I was locked up again or worse, dead.  I was so selfish to think my addiction was my problem, and only mine.  I didn’t realize that it was far bigger than myself.  My once-selfish perspective on my addiction crumbled as I realized the profound ripple effect my addiction had on those who cared about me.

Following my accident, the drug treatment court I was a participant in at the time issued a warrant for my arrest.  Their proposition was clear: enter a drug treatment rehab, and the looming warrant would be lifted.  Without hesitation, I embraced the opportunity and checked into a rehab immediately following my month-long hospital stay.  My legs were still on the path to recovery.  I left the hospital in a wheelchair and continued with physical therapy while in drug treatment rehab.  Upon successful completion of the thirty-day program, I transitioned from a wheelchair to a walker, marking two months of sobriety bridging my hospitalization and rehabilitation.  What initially appeared as the most dreadful event—the fall in the hospital—now, in hindsight, seems like a divine intervention that saved my life.

Reflecting on the saying that drug addiction leads to jails, institutions, or death, I had already encountered two of these outcomes.  Death lingered as the only unexplored consequence, threatening to materialize if I succumbed to the urge to use drugs again.  This journey, marked by its challenges, revealed itself as a profound turning point in my life, guiding me clear of the grim possibilities that once felt inescapable.

I am extremely grateful that the drug treatment court decided to give me another chance rather than throwing me out of the program and sending me to prison.  They saw something in me that I did not see at the time.  I had a whole new outlook on life and drugs weren’t a part of it.  I would go on to complete the requirements of each phase of drug treatment court honestly and successfully.  Those felonies I was initially charged with were dropped for a much lesser charge that does not affect my record as much. 

Don’t get me wrong, every day of recovery isn’t easy.  Some days are much harder than others.  What I know now is that my worst day in recovery is far better than my best day using drugs.  You see, for some, a night of drinking or drug use is a fleeting experience that ends promptly.  Unfortunately, that's not the case for me and it never will be. When I use alcohol and drugs, I burn all my bridges and eventually experience a catastrophic, life-changing event as a result.  I’ve tried using drugs every which way and it ALWAYS end the same way for me.  I just can’t do it and lead a happy, functional life.

These days, I make sure not to forget my past.  Someone once told me, “If you forget your past, you’re bound to go back.”  That really resonated with me.  I don’t dwell on the past; I simply reflect on it.  If I can climb out of the pits of addiction, anyone can.  It just takes some honest internal work on yourself.  Your life will improve tenfold, I can promise you that.

If you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be in the position I am today to help to spread awareness.

47. The Beginning of the End

On December 14, 2019, I found myself entangled in a regrettable incident that now stands as my last criminal encounter with law enforcement.  The details of that night are somewhat hazy due to a deadly combination of Xanax and beer consumption throughout the day.  I had gotten into a car wreck somewhere on Route 207, nestled between Goshen and Campbell Hall.  In the immediate aftermath of the collision, panic set in.  In possession of around 300 Xanax pills and other assorted medications (that were not prescribed to me), I faced a dilemma that was exacerbated by the sudden appearance of a good Samaritan who had stopped to check on my well-being.  I insisted that all was fine.  I gestured a quick thumbs up and motioned for her to depart, mindful of the impending legal repercussions.  My car was wrapped around a telephone pole, and I was giving this lady a thumbs-up as if everything was fine… INSANITY.  It was a cold, rainy evening.  My attempt to dissolve my stash of drugs in a large puddle near the crash site was unsuccessful.  My thinking was totally clouded by the alcohol and drugs, and I stupidly didn’t take the pills out of the bags they were in, so they just floated on top of the puddle; much like a rubber duck floats in a bathtub full of water. For those unfamiliar with the area, Route 207 is a narrow road with a 55-mph speed limit and a State Trooper Barrack that looms just two miles away.  The ominous "whoop whoop" sound of approaching police cars confirmed the severity of my predicament and minutes later, multiple State Troopers arrived at the scene.

The interrogation unfolded swiftly as the police officers inquired into my activities that fateful night, probing about any alcohol consumption. One officer claimed to detect the unmistakable scent of alcohol on my breath, leaving me with my back against the wall.  I decided honesty might be my best option—though it was a selective truth.  Confessing to a mere two beers earlier in the evening, I conveniently omitted the six or seven additional beers I had consumed.  The next thing I remember is being in a police station, my memory failing to capture the journey there.  My pants were soaking wet from the rain and my unsuccessful attempt at hiding my stash of pills in the gulley puddle.  With one hand uncomfortably restrained to a bench with a pair of handcuffs, I remember shivering like crazy.  I asked the officers when they were going to take me to jail, anticipating the prospect of dry clothes. Astonishingly, the officer informed me that I was going to be released on my recognizance with a scheduled court date, sparing me the anticipated incarceration.  I guess I should mention that I was already a participant in drug treatment court, an alternative to incarceration, a consequence of a similar arrest six months prior that had led to a brief jail term.  Participants in drug court, bound by a strict contract, were prohibited from any arrest.  This stipulation mandated immediate reporting to our drug court counselor in the event of any police contact at all.  My crash was on Friday night, so I knew I had a weekend before getting into contact with my counselor was going to be possible.  I found myself released from the police station around five o'clock the next morning.  Stranded without a car due to the wreckage, I phoned a close friend for a ride home. Emerging from the police station, soaked and chilled to the bone, anxiety gnawed at me as the uncertain future loomed ahead.

Unbeknownst to me at the time, that arrest served as the catalyst for a profound turning point in my life.  Little did I realize that without that pivotal moment, my trajectory might have been drastically different, more than likely ending with premature death.  Exiting the police station, I braced myself for the storm awaiting me at home—anger and disappointment hanging in the air like a dark cloud. Once inside, I hopped in a warm shower and fell asleep shortly afterward. Upon awakening, I packed a bag full of clothes and prepared myself for another trip to yet another detox facility.  At this point, I found myself unprepared to embark on the journey to sobriety.  Doubt lingered, casting shadows on my belief in the possibility of achieving and maintaining a clean lifestyle.  Despite my initial skepticism, I acknowledged the profound disappointment and anger I had caused my family and wanted to try to begin fixing that to the best of my ability.  I didn’t have the slightest idea of what was in store for me in the coming days.  I entered the detox facility with the expectation of a brief stay, anticipating three to four days at most to cleanse the alcohol and drugs from my system.  If my time there had indeed been that short, I doubt I would be penning these words today.  Life often unfolds in mysterious ways.

Join me for the continuation of this journey in part two next week… and remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to help spread awareness today.

46. Journals from Rehab - Part 3

Journaling is an integral component of substance abuse rehabilitation programs for various reasons.  It provides a private space for self-reflection, allowing individuals to explore their thoughts, emotions, and behaviors, gaining insight into the underlying issues contributing to their substance abuse.  The act of journaling serves as a healthy outlet for expressing emotions, helping individuals address underlying emotional issues that may be linked to their addiction.  Through the process of writing, individuals can identify triggers, such as specific people or situations, and develop self-awareness crucial for developing effective coping strategies and avoiding relapse.  Journaling also facilitates goal setting, helping individuals clarify and track their short-term and long-term goals in the recovery process.  It serves as a documentation of progress, allowing individuals to recognize and celebrate personal growth and achievements.  Additionally, writing can be a therapeutic tool, offering a cathartic process for releasing emotions, reducing stress, and gaining control over thoughts and feelings.

As I sat in my bedroom, surrounded by the muted colors of the rehab facility, I found solace in the blank pages of my journal.  Each entry felt like a huge weight off my back and a huge step towards reclaiming a part of myself that I had lost to the clutches of addiction.  Today, these entries are a mosaic of emotions—raw and unfiltered.  I confronted the wreckage left in the wake of my substance abuse, tracing the path that led me to this point.  The entries document my fears, regrets, and the tentative sparks of hope that flicker within me.  I explored the gritty details of my past, exposing vulnerabilities that fueled my addiction. Journaling slowly became a therapeutic release, a testament to the courage it takes to face the demons within.  There's a peculiar comfort in the act of journaling.  It’s refreshing to acknowledge the patterns that held me captive for well over ten years.

As the days in rehab unfolded, my journal became a roadmap of progress.  I celebrated the small victories—days of sobriety, moments of clarity, and the genuine connections formed with others on the same path.  It's a testament to resilience, a reminder that recovery is not a linear journey but rather a collection of uphill battles.  The journal entries carry the weight of my story, offering a testament to the transformative power of healing.  I wish to emphasize to my readers that these journal entries remain entirely unaltered.  They were all penned during the immediate aftermath of my substance use and detoxification process.  During that time, my thoughts were hazy, and my writing lacked the clarity it possesses today.  I'm offering you these journals in their unadulterated form, just as they were originally penned.

“If I’m being completely honest, I don’t want to get clean.  I’m here because I don’t want to go to jail.  If I didn’t get admitted into rehab, Judge Brockett would have put out a warrant for my arrest and I’d be sitting in a cold jail cell right now.  I guess rehab is the better of my two options. I don’t feel like these groups do much of anything for me.  It’s my fourth time in this specific rehab over the course of 2-3 years and not much has changed.  The only thing that has changed is my criminal record.  Doing these arts and crafts, watching these educational videos, and participating in groups sucks.  I’m not sure there’s much hope for me when I finally leave here.  Nothing has changed the past four times, what will change now?  I miss home.  I miss my family.  I miss my friends.  I miss my dog.”

“Today, I was sitting in my bedroom with my roommate in rehab.  We were talking and he said something that really hit home for me.  We were discussing our pasts.  He is quite a bit older than me, forty-two years to be exact, but we have so much in common.  He looked me square in the eyes and he said “Kyle, I really hope you get a hold on your addiction because you don’t want to be my age, sitting here in rehab trying to pick up the pieces of your past.”  And he’s right.  I really don’t want to be pushing seventy years old sitting in rehab.  At night we need to be in our bedroom by 9:00 PM.  My roommate and I often chat a bit before falling asleep.  He’s lost everything.  His kids won’t talk to him, he’s broke, he’s got no job, and he’s homeless, but you would never guess that sitting here next to him.  I really need to get a hold of my life and figure this out before I wake up in forty years in another rehab facility.  Although it seems like I’ve lost everything, I haven’t.  I still have my family, I still have my friends, and I have another shot to get this right and turn my life around.  I really hope I get it this time.”

“From a very young age, I have had anxiety that was left untreated.  That was no one’s fault but my own because I rarely ever spoke about it.  As I grew older, I channeled my anxiety into anger.  I have an anger problem.  There’s no doubt about it.  I say cruel things that I know will hurt others.  I don’t mean it at the time but it’s like I have no control over it when it’s happening.  There are so many different things that I need to address when I leave here.  My anger, my anxiety, my depression, and the list goes on.  I just want a normal life.  I want to wake up, go to work, come home to a family, and be normal.   My family and friends are thriving in life and here I am sitting in rehab with nothing to my name.  I’m willing to do whatever it takes to get better.  I’m not sure I was completely willing in the past.  I think I am now.  I hope I am now.  I need to get out of New York because I don’t think I can get clean here.  It’s just so hard when everything around me reminds me of using.”

As I conclude my current series of journal entries, I acknowledge that the content may carry a somber tone.  Despite the heaviness of these reflections, I believe it is crucial to share them, recognizing their significance in providing a distinctive insight into my thought processes during this particular juncture of my life.  Transparency in sharing these moments, even if they lean towards the somber, allows for a genuine and unfiltered glimpse into my experiences, fostering understanding and connection.

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to help spread awareness today.

45. Journals from Rehab - Part 2

One of the integral components of many rehabilitation programs is the practice of journaling. Journaling involves the regular recording of thoughts, emotions, and experiences.  It provides individuals in substance abuse rehabilitation with a structured means of self-reflection.  Writing about personal experiences and emotions allows individuals to gain insight into the underlying causes of their addiction.  Through the process of introspection, individuals can identify patterns of behavior, triggers, and emotional stressors that contribute to their substance abuse.

Addiction often coexists with a range of complex emotions, such as guilt, shame, anger, and anxiety. Journaling serves as a safe outlet for individuals to express and explore these emotions.  By putting their feelings into words, individuals can process and make sense of their emotional experiences. This process not only aids emotional regulation but also facilitates healthier coping mechanisms, reducing the reliance on substances as a means of escape or numbing.

Understanding the circumstances that trigger substance abuse is crucial for relapse prevention. Journaling provides a platform for individuals to identify and analyze triggers and high-risk situations that may lead to cravings or setbacks.  By documenting these instances, individuals, along with their therapists, can develop strategies to cope effectively with challenges and build resilience.

Journaling compliments traditional therapeutic approaches by fostering improved communication between individuals in rehabilitation and their therapists.  The written record of thoughts and experiences allows therapists to gain deeper insights into the individual's mindset and tailor interventions accordingly.  This enhanced communication often promotes a more personalized and effective treatment plan.

In the tranquil and rather somber setting of a rehabilitation center, amidst the process of healing and self-discovery, I found solace and empowerment through the practice of journaling.  Each day became a chapter in my journey to sobriety, as I picked up a pen and poured my thoughts onto the pages of a notebook.  Journaling became a therapeutic outlet, allowing me to untangle the web of emotions, triggers, and future aspirations.  The penned pages serve as a canvas for reflection, offering a safe space to confront the past, acknowledge the present, and envision a future free from the shackles of addiction. As I meticulously documented my triumphs and setbacks, journaling proved to be a very, very powerful tool for self-awareness and accountability.  It was in these quiet moments of introspection that I discovered the strength within myself to rewrite my narrative, one heartfelt entry at a time.

I regret not bringing this up last week; it slipped my mind.  I wish to emphasize to my readers that these journal entries remain entirely unaltered.  They were all penned during the immediate aftermath of my substance use and detoxification process.  During that time, my thoughts were hazy, and my writing lacked the clarity it possesses today.  I'm offering you these journals in their unadulterated form, just as they were originally penned.

“I’ve always tended to gravitate to the wrong types of people.  I have always been attracted to the kids who caused trouble and generally did not follow the rules.  I liked the kids who “went against the grain.”  This has always been a huge problem for me.  In the past, while in rehab, I always tended to gravitate to the patients who were mandated to treatment by a criminal court and wanted nothing to do with recovery.  There were many times after being released from rehab that I met up with other patients to either buy drugs or sell drugs to them.  Another issue I’ve had is that I always wanted to put up this big tough guy facade.  I wanted to be respected by others for all the wrong reasons.  The truth is that I’m not this big tough guy I make myself out to be.  Acting like this has gotten me nowhere positive in life.  It has dragged me down and is a big reason I am in the position that I am in today.  I don’t think I’ve ever just been myself.  I don’t even know who I am anymore.”

“I’m 29 years old, sitting in the hospital, feeling like this is the end.  Most people my age are excelling in their careers, starting families of their own, buying houses, traveling the world, etc.  Me… well I’m a drug addict with $49.00 to my name.  The only thing else I have is my clothes and my dog.  I own absolutely nothing else.  Since February 2018, when I completed my first rehab stint, I have totaled four different vehicles, wrecked a telephone pole, and rolled my car all while under the influence of drugs and alcohol.  It’s a MIRACLE that I have not killed myself or someone else.  The fact that these situations have not stopped me from continuing to do drugs and drive under the influence is insane. They say the definition of insanity is “doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results each time.  I have been able to put together short spells of sobriety, however, I always go back to what I know best… drinking, drugging, dealing, lying, and manipulating.  I always go back to those things, and it always ends worse.  I’ve tried just using drugs.  I’ve tried not using drugs but just selling drugs and that sure as hell has never worked; like they say, “A monkey can’t sell bananas.”  I have tried just drinking but not drugging.  I’ve tried just drugging and not drinking.  It always ends badly.  ALWAYS.”

“I’ve seen the process of recovery work in so many different people.  I know it is possible.  I know what needs fixing.  I just don’t have the tools to fix it on my own.  I CAN’T DO THIS ALONE; it will not work.  I must keep reminding myself of that in order to stay on the right track.  I must not lose sight of the end goal.  I must never forget how my mother and my sister looked the night they left me in the hospital to detox.  It totally ripped me up and broke my heart.  They deserve so much better than that.”

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to help spread awareness today.

44. Journals from Rehab

I’ve been to rehab many times.  Some more than once.  I’ve gone voluntarily, and at other times, under the mandate of a criminal court.  One rehabilitation facility I attended, over four different times, imposed a daily journaling requirement of fifteen to twenty minutes.  Initially resistant to this requirement, I struggled to find meaning in chronicling what I deemed a life completely devastated by addiction.  I honestly felt that I never had anything worth journaling about.  At the time, I couldn't grasp the significance of putting pen to paper.  As an addict, my life up to that point had been a series of (self-inflicted) letdowns and setbacks, a stark contrast to the successes my loved ones and friends were experiencing—career advancements, marriages, home purchases, and the joy of starting families.  They were experiencing all these amazing milestones in life, and I was sitting in a rehab writing a dumb journal entry about how messed up my life had become as a direct result of my addiction.  The act of journaling felt like an unwarranted pause in a world that was steadily moving forward without me. The counselors reviewed our journals weekly, prompting us to delve deeper into our reflections.  They strongly advised us to retain these journals, even after completing the rehab program, asserting that revisiting them could aid in our recovery—a notion that initially dumbfounded me.  Why would I want to stay stuck in this cycle of self-destruction?  But I was so desperate, and in so much pain, that I decided to listen to the counselors for a change.  Nothing I had tried up to this moment was working for me.  Desperate, I took their advice and preserved the journals, stowing them away in the back of my closet, where they remained forgotten for years.  I unexpectedly discovered these long-neglected entries during one of my routine end-of-year closet purges.  Intrigued, I embarked on a journey through the pages of my past, revisiting the depths of my struggles, regrets, and pain. 

It was at that very moment that the counselors' wisdom became crystal clear to me.  The journals serve as a poignant record of my darkest moments, a vivid testament to the consequences of my addiction.  Instead of them being a burden, which I initially thought they were, they suddenly became a necessary element of my recovery—a vivid reminder of where I had been and how far I had come since then.  These journals “keep it green” for me in my recovery.  "Keeping it green" is a phrase commonly used in 12-step programs like Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) or Narcotics Anonymous (NA).  It essentially means staying vigilant and focused on one's recovery, continuously practicing the principles and behaviors that contribute to a healthy and sober life.  It emphasizes the ongoing effort needed to maintain sobriety, even when faced with challenges or temptations. These journals, now cherished relics, embody my commitment to continuous personal growth and renewal, reinforcing the idea of ongoing personal development and positive change in recovery from substance abuse.  This reflection on the therapeutic power of journaling serves as a testament to the unexpected value hidden within the pages of one's past.  The act of revisiting these journals may be uncomfortable, but it is undeniably essential for maintaining and thriving in my recovery.  In the upcoming weeks, I plan to offer readers a series of journal entries, providing them with a glimpse into my thoughts and emotions during one of the most challenging periods of my life.  Here are two journals to kick this off!

“My parents did their very best with me.  Where I'm at today, and where I’ve been the past 10+ years has ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with anything they did.  My parents told me from a very early age that I should not do drugs.  They also made it very clear of the possible consequences that come with drug use.  My father being an alcoholic and dope addict was a perfect example of why I should not do drugs.  It has taken me over ten years to realize the destruction my addiction has caused.  I am slowly killing my mom.  I can literally see the change in her appearance because of my actions.  I know for a fact that if I die because of this disease, a large part of my mom will die too.  I also believe that if I were to pass from this disease a part of my mom would be relieved.  I never meant to hurt anyone.  It tears me apart as I sit here and realize the extent of my actions.  *I LOVE MY FAMILY MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF* My actions say differently.  I still have so many people in my corner, even after putting them through hell time and time again.  For that, I am eternally grateful.   I want to prove to them that I can do this.  I want to prove to them that I can beat this disease.  I want to prove to them that I can be a productive member of society.  *INTEGRITY* I have none at the moment.”

“I’ve watched ten years of my life pass me by.  At the age of 29, I have almost nothing to my name.  My entire life has been consumed with drinking, drugging, selling drugs, lying, stealing… and the list goes on.  I feel hopeless.  I feel like there is no purpose to my life, I have no direction.  I need to find something that will give my life some purpose.  I can’t keep using and selling drugs.  I will, without a doubt, either die or end up in prison.  If I continue living like this, I will lose my family and without family I have NOTHING.  Money, cars, and toys don’t matter at the end of the day if I don’t have my family.  I need to reevaluate my priorities.”

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to help spread awareness today.

43. Being Thankful for Things We Often Overlook

In the hustle and bustle of our daily lives, it's easy to get caught up in the whirlwind of responsibilities, ambitions, and everyday challenges.  However, amid the chaos, there exists a profound truth that often eludes us until circumstances bring it into sharp focus: the importance of being thankful. Being thankful is not meant to be just a fleeting emotion reserved for special occasions; it is a powerful tool we can use to perceive the richness of our lives.  Sometimes, it takes encountering others who have much less to make us truly appreciate the blessings we often take for granted.

In pursuit of our goals and aspirations, we may become so consumed with what we lack that we overlook the abundance surrounding us.  It's not uncommon to forget the privilege embedded in our lives—simple yet profound aspects like a stable home, access to education, a support system of friends and family, a career, clothing, hot meals, etc.  These are the foundations of a well-lived life, and yet, their significance often remains hidden until we encounter someone less fortunate, without any of those blessings.  I’ll be the first one to admit that I have been guilty of this in the past.  Growing up, I never wanted for anything.  A secure roof over my head, meals on the table, clothes on my back—these were all constants in my life.  However, in all honesty, I cannot claim to have truly appreciated these gifts during my childhood and early adulthood.  Instead, I endlessly yearned for something more, unaware of the wealth of privileges I possessed. 

It wasn’t until my first stint in rehab that I began to truly grasp the concept of being thankful.  It took me being surrounded by people with nothing more than the clothes on their backs to truly cherish everything I’ve been blessed with throughout my life.  When we encounter individuals who lack the privileges that we consider to be ordinary, it serves as a poignant wake-up call.  Perhaps it's a chance encounter with a person experiencing homelessness, a visit to an underprivileged community, or a conversation with someone facing adversity.  These experiences shed light on the stark differences that exist and force us to reflect on our own circumstances.  Suddenly, the roof over our heads and the warm meals on our tables take on a new significance.

My friend with the tattoos on his face that I wrote about in a past column played a pivotal role in deepening my appreciation for the blessings in my own life.  When he arrived in this country, he brought with him nothing more than his son, his girlfriend, and the clothes on their backs—no exaggeration.  The thought of starting anew in a foreign land with absolutely nothing is unimaginable to me.  Encounters with individuals like him, who possess substantially less, serve as a catalyst for a profound shift in perspective.  This isn't about fostering guilt or making comparisons; rather, it's about recognizing the inherent value in our daily lives.  Gratitude transcends a mere checklist of possessions; it embodies a deep appreciation for the intangible elements that give life its true meaning.  A loving relationship, good health, and the freedom to pursue our passions are often underestimated until we witness their absence in the lives of others.  It's through these encounters that we gain a deeper understanding of the richness that exists far beyond material possessions.

Conversations with those who have less also offer valuable lessons in resilience.  Witnessing the strength and determination of individuals facing adversity with grace and courage instills a sense of humility.  It prompts us to reevaluate our own response to challenges and difficulties, encouraging us to face life's obstacles with a newfound appreciation for our capacity to overcome them.  I have the utmost respect for my tattooed friend.  Our connection began simply, as I responded to his call for assistance by delivering donations—clothes, books, and food.  What unfolded in our conversations revealed a profound depth of gratitude in him.  Whether I dropped off six bags of donated clothes or a package of toothbrushes, his appreciation remained unwavering.  Engaging with him regularly has left a lasting mark on me.  It has served as a grounding force, a constant reminder of the significance and need for gratitude in my everyday life.  This friendship has become a source of genuine impact, shaping my perspective, and fostering a deeper understanding of the importance of appreciation.  I am truly thankful for the meaningful connection I share with him.

As we cultivate gratitude, its impact extends beyond our individual lives.  Expressing thankfulness often creates a ripple effect, fostering a culture of compassion and kindness.  When we are grateful for the opportunities and privileges we enjoy, we are more likely to extend a helping hand to those who need it.  Acts of generosity, whether big or small, contribute to the betterment of our communities.

Recognizing the blessings in our lives and expressing gratitude is a conscious effort.  It involves taking stock of our daily experiences, acknowledging the positive aspects, and learning from the challenges.  Practices like keeping a gratitude journal, where we regularly record the things we are thankful for, can be instrumental in fostering a mindset of appreciation.  The journey towards gratitude often takes unexpected turns.  Meeting individuals who have less than we have acts as a powerful catalyst, unveiling the blessings we may have once overlooked.  It teaches us that being thankful is not just a sentiment but rather a transformative perspective that enriches our lives and those around us.  As we reflect on the profound impact of being thankful, let us strive to cultivate this mindset daily, appreciating the richness of our lives and contributing to a world where everyone has the opportunity to thrive.

I hope all my readers have a very Happy and healthy holiday!  I’m truly grateful for every single one of you.

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to help spread awareness today.

42. Enabling in Substance Abuse Disorders

As substance abuse disorders continue to pose a significant public health challenge, affecting millions of individuals worldwide, there is often one overlooked aspect of these disorders.  It is the role of enabling behaviors, where well-intentioned actions inadvertently contribute to the continuation of the addictive cycle.  Understanding and addressing enabling is crucial for designing effective intervention strategies and promoting lasting recovery.

Enabling in the context of substance abuse refers to actions or behaviors that, despite being well-intentioned, ultimately contribute to the maintenance of addictive behaviors in an individual. Enablers may include family members, friends, or even healthcare professionals who, consciously or unconsciously, shield the person struggling with substance abuse from the negative consequences of their actions.

Enabling can manifest in various forms, making it a complex issue to address.  Financial support, excusing or minimizing the severity of the problem, and covering up for the individual are common enabling behaviors. Providing shelter, food, or other essentials without requiring accountability for the person's substance use can inadvertently contribute to the continuation of their addictive behaviors.

To effectively address enabling, it is crucial to understand the motivations behind these behaviors. Enablers often act out of love, concern, or a desire to protect the individual from harm.  However, this well-intentioned support can inadvertently reinforce the belief that the consequences of substance abuse are manageable or inconsequential.  Enablers may also fear confrontation or believe that confronting the individual about their substance use will lead to conflict or worsen the situation.  Consequently, they may choose to ignore or downplay the severity of the issue, allowing the individual to continue their destructive behaviors without facing the necessary consequences.

To break the cycle of enabling, education and awareness are essential. Enablers need to understand the dynamics of substance abuse disorders, including the importance of accountability and the negative impact of shielding individuals from consequences.  Education programs can empower families and communities to recognize enabling behaviors and take steps to address them.  While educators play a crucial role, there exists a distinct opportunity when addressing the topic of enabling, particularly in the context of recovery from addiction.  Having individuals who have lived through the experience, walked the walk, and can authentically talk the talk provides a unique perspective.  The conventional methods of teaching, such as reading from a textbook or presenting a PowerPoint, often fall short in delivering a compelling and impactful lesson on the dangers of enabling.  I believe that schools should actively embrace the chance to bring in individuals in recovery, those with significant clean time, to engage with students directly.  This firsthand account, I believe, is a far more effective and relatable approach to connect with children compared to traditional methods like reading from a textbook or relying on PowerPoint presentations.

Effective communication and the establishment of clear boundaries play a pivotal role in addressing enabling behaviors.  It is imperative for families and support networks to acquire the skill of assertively expressing their concerns, steering clear of blame or judgment.  The delicate balance lies in the art of setting and maintaining firm yet compassionate boundaries, creating an environment that not only fosters understanding but also encourages the individual to assume responsibility for their actions.  This task is particularly arduous for parents of addicts, who often grapple with the challenging responsibility of setting and enforcing boundaries as an integral part of the recovery process.  My parents, driven by pure intentions, unwittingly became enablers in my struggle with addiction.  Despite my numerous arrests during that tumultuous period, my initial phone call was always to them.  Despite their evident anger and disappointment, they consistently provided financial assistance, covering expenses like lawyer fees and fines.  This safety net inadvertently allowed me to navigate my addiction with a sense of security.  Looking back, a different approach would have been more beneficial.  They could have compelled me to face my legal problems independently, relying on legal aid instead of securing a prominent lawyer at their expense.  They could have insisted I shoulder the financial burden of my fines or face additional consequences for non-payment.  Their actions stemmed from love, fueled by a belief in my assurances that each incident would be the last.  Hindsight, as they say, is always 20/20.  Although gratitude was absent during my struggle with addiction, I now deeply appreciate the support they offered.

In certain situations, seeking professional intervention is imperative for effectively addressing enabling behaviors.  Mental health professionals, addiction counselors, and support groups stand ready to offer valuable guidance and support, benefiting both individuals struggling with substance abuse disorder and those inadvertently contributing to enabling.  This professional intervention serves as a catalyst, disrupting the cycle of enabling and paving the way toward a sustainable path to recovery.

Supporting individuals struggling with substance abuse requires a delicate balance between compassion and self-care for enablers.  It is essential for those in supportive roles to prioritize their well-being, seek guidance from professionals, and engage in self-care practices.  Understanding the limits of one's ability to help and seeking support when needed are crucial components of breaking the enabling cycle.

Addressing enabling in substance abuse disorders demands a compassionate strategy.  Breaking the enabling cycle calls for a multifaceted approach, encompassing education, open communication, the establishment of boundaries, and, when needed, professional intervention.  The addition of self-care for those inadvertently enabling further enhances the effectiveness of the intervention.  By proactively confronting enabling behaviors, we have the power to cultivate a supportive and accountable environment, fostering sustained recovery for individuals grappling with substance abuse disorders. This comprehensive approach not only recognizes the complexity of the issue but also emphasizes the importance of collective efforts in creating lasting positive change.

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to help spread awareness today.

41. Alcoholics Anonymous AKA “The Big Book”

The book “Alcoholics Anonymous,” often referred to as the "Big Book," is an incredibly influential text that has played a pivotal role in the recovery of countless individuals struggling with alcoholism. Published in 1939, this book serves as a cornerstone of the Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) program, providing guidance, support, and a framework for recovery.  I’ll never forget the first time I cracked open the “Big Book.”  From the moment I began reading it, I was HOOKED.  I was in my first-ever inpatient rehab stint at the time.  We were required to attend mandatory groups throughout the day and in between groups, we were given fifteen-minute breaks.  I found myself eagerly retreating to my room, seizing every fifteen-minute break to immerse myself further into its pages.  I couldn’t get enough of it.  While other patients watched TV or made arts and crafts at night, I stayed cooped up in my room reading.  It took me a little over one day to finish the book from cover to cover. Four days after fully reading the “Big Book,” I read it from cover to cover… again. 

The historical backdrop against which the “Big Book” was written is essential for understanding its significance.  In the early 20th century, alcoholism was often stigmatized and misunderstood.  The “Big Book” emerged as a response to the need for a practical and spiritual approach to sobriety.  It was the result of the collective experiences and insights of early members of AA, most notably Bill Wilson and Dr. Bob Smith, who co-founded the organization in 1935.

The Big Book is structured in a manner that reflects the practical and spiritual components of the AA program.  It is divided into several sections, each of which serves a specific purpose.

The opening section of “Alcoholics Anonymous,” is called “The Doctor’s Opinion.”  Dr. William D. Silkworth provides a crucial medical perspective on alcoholism.  Drawing from his experience as a physician treating alcoholics, Dr. Silkworth describes alcoholism as a twofold disease, involving both a physical allergy and a mental obsession.  He emphasizes that those who suffer from this condition are not simply individuals lacking willpower but are grappling with a profound and insidious illness. Dr. Silkworth's expert opinion contributes significantly to the understanding of alcoholism, laying the groundwork for the compassionate and holistic approach that is central to the recovery philosophy outlined in the subsequent sections of the “Big Book.”  This medical insight helps to destigmatize alcoholism and underscores the importance of approaching it as a treatable medical condition rather than a moral failing.

The next section is the preface.  This section of the “Big Book” serves as a concise yet impactful introduction, setting the tone for the journey of recovery that lies ahead for the reader.  It outlines the primary purpose of the book: to provide a practical and spiritual guide for those grappling with alcoholism.  Within its pages, the preface hints at the collective wisdom and shared experiences of the early members of Alcoholics Anonymous, underscoring the communal nature of the recovery process.  In this brief but crucial section, the preface not only prepares the reader for the transformative insights contained within the “Big Book,” but also conveys the message that recovery is possible through shared understanding, mutual support, and a commitment to spiritual principles.

Up next, we have the twelve steps.  The twelve steps outlined in “Alcoholics Anonymous” form the heart of the program, providing a systematic and spiritual guide for individuals seeking recovery from alcoholism.  These steps represent a transformative journey, guiding individuals from acknowledging powerlessness over alcohol to achieving a spiritual awakening.  Beginning with the admission of being powerless over alcohol and recognizing the need for a higher power's assistance, the steps progress through self-reflection, making amends, and helping others in the recovery community.  They emphasize rigorous honesty, self-examination, and a commitment to personal growth.  The twelve steps serve as a blueprint for breaking the cycle of addiction, fostering spiritual development, and building a foundation for lasting sobriety.

The twelve traditions section of “Alcoholics Anonymous” outlines the principles that govern the fellowship, ensuring its unity and survival.  They address issues like anonymity, group autonomy, and cooperation among AA groups.  They serve as a safeguard against internal and external pressures that could potentially undermine the effectiveness of Alcoholics Anonymous. The twelve traditions collectively reinforce the idea that the strength of the program lies in the collective unity of its members and the shared commitment to carrying the message of recovery while maintaining humility and avoiding the pitfalls of organizational influence.

The next section of the “Big Book” is my personal favorite.  The personal stories section of the “Alcoholics Anonymous” book is a poignant and humanizing collection of narratives that offers readers a firsthand glimpse into the diverse experiences of individuals who have battled alcoholism and found recovery through the AA program.  These personal stories provide an in-depth overview of struggles, despair, and ultimately, hope.  They serve as a testament to the universality of the addiction experience while showcasing the varied paths to recovery. Each account reflects the raw honesty, vulnerability, and resilience of those who have navigated the challenges of alcoholism and emerged on the other side, transformed.  These narratives not only offer inspiration to those currently caught in the grips of addiction but also reinforce the idea that, through shared experience and mutual support, recovery is not only possible but achievable.  The personal stories section adds a deeply human dimension to the “Big Book,” emphasizing that within the fellowship of AA, individuals find strength in their shared journey toward sobriety.   

“Alcoholics Anonymous” is not just a book; it is a lifeline for individuals struggling with alcohol addiction.  Its historical significance, structured approach, and key principles have made it a foundational text for the recovery community.  The “Big Book” has provided hope, guidance, and a path to sobriety for countless individuals, making it an enduring and influential work in the realm of addiction recovery.  As AA continues to evolve, the “Big Book” remains a timeless source of wisdom and support for those in need of a better life beyond alcohol.

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to spread awareness today.

40. Matthew Perry

When most people hear the name Matthew Perry, they immediately think of Chandler Bing from the iconic TV show, 'Friends.' But for me, Matthew Perry's name takes me on a different journey.  Tragically, on Saturday, October 28th, the 54-year-old actor, best known for his role as Chandler Bing in the beloved US sitcom 'Friends,' was found dead at his Los Angeles home, reportedly having drowned in his hot tub.  Matthew Perry was a prolific actor who faced his share of personal demons, most notably his battle with drug addiction.

Matthew Perry's journey through addiction began in his early adulthood.  Despite his fame and success, he grappled with the pressures of celebrity life and found solace in substances like alcohol, prescription medication, and opiates.  Like so many others battling addiction, the intensity of it eventually took a toll on his personal and professional life.

Perry's path to recovery was marked by pivotal moments, with his multiple stints in rehab being among the most significant.  These experiences changed his mindset and helped play a crucial role in his determination to achieve sobriety.  Matthew Perry's recovery journey has been characterized by remarkable personal and professional achievements.  He became an outspoken advocate for sobriety and used his own experiences to support others facing addiction.  His brave openness about his struggles has helped reduce the stigma surrounding addiction and has encouraged countless struggling individuals to seek help.  In 2013, Perry co-founded Phoenix House, a non-profit organization dedicated to providing addiction treatment, prevention, and support services.  His involvement in this initiative has been instrumental in offering resources to those in need, contributing significantly to the cause.  In interviews and his NY Times best-selling memoir, Perry emphasized the personal growth he experienced in recovery.  Maintaining sobriety allowed him to rebuild relationships with his family and within the entertainment industry.

In my opinion, Matthew Perry's impact extends far beyond his professional accomplishments.  His role as an advocate and his involvement in organizations like Phoenix House significantly raised awareness about addiction, treatment, and recovery.  His high-profile status helped break down the stigma surrounding addiction, inspiring others to seek help without fear of judgment.

Matthew Perry's journey through addiction and recovery serves as an inspiring example of resilience and transformation.  His story is a testament to the fact that even in the darkest times, it is possible to overcome addiction and rebuild one's life.  Furthermore, Perry's contributions to the field of addiction treatment and awareness have had a lasting and positive impact on countless lives, solidifying his role as a beacon of hope for those battling addiction.

I'd like to conclude with a recent statement from Perry:

“I've had a lot of ups and downs in my life.  I'm still working through it personally, but the best thing about me is that if an alcoholic or drug addict comes up to me and says, “Will you help me?” I will always say, “Yes, I know how to do that.” I will do that for you, even if I can't always do it for myself.” So I do that, whenever I can.  In groups, or one on one. And I created the Perry House in Malibu, a sober-living facility for men. I also wrote my play 'The End of Longing,' which is a personal message to the world, an exaggerated form of me as a drunk.  I had something important to say to people like me, and to people who love people like me.  When I die, I know people will talk about 'Friends, Friends, Friends.' And I'm glad of that, happy I've done some solid work as an actor, as well as given people multiple chances to make fun of my struggles on the world wide web... but when I die, as far as my so-called accomplishments go, it would be nice if 'Friends' were listed far behind the things I did to try to help other people.  I know it won't happen, but it would be nice.”

– Matthew Perry (August 19, 1969 - October 28, 2023)

Just as he wished, I will honor and remember Matthew Perry in this way.

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to spread awareness today.

39. Insecurity & its Role in Addiction

Insecurity is a common human experience, but when it becomes chronic and overwhelming, it can have far-reaching consequences. There is an undoubtedly complex relationship between insecurity and substance abuse.  Feelings of inadequacy, self-doubt, and fear can drive individuals toward substance abuse as a coping mechanism.

Insecurity is a deeply rooted emotional state characterized by a pervasive sense of doubt, fear, and self-consciousness.  It often stems from early childhood experiences, societal expectations, or traumatic events, leaving individuals feeling vulnerable and exposed.  Such feelings can manifest in various ways, including low self-esteem, social anxiety, and depression.  Insecurity can act as a persistent burden, affecting one's relationships and personal development, and, as we will discuss, potentially lead to substance abuse.

Substance abuse and insecurity often create a self-perpetuating, vicious cycle.  Substance use can temporarily alleviate the symptoms of insecurity, providing a fleeting sense of confidence and control. However, once the effects wear off, the individual is often left feeling even more insecure, guilty, and anxious, thus perpetuating the desire to use substances again.  This cycle can lead to addiction, as the individual becomes increasingly reliant on substances to manage their insecurities.

Insecurity serves as a catalyst for substance abuse.  One of the mechanisms through which insecurity contributes to substance abuse is self-medication. Individuals grappling with persistent feelings of inadequacy or anxiety frequently resort to substances such as alcohol, illicit drugs, or prescription medications in a bid to soothe their emotional turmoil and numb the torment of their insecurities.  It is imperative to recognize that these substances offer nothing more than a fleeting respite from unrelenting self-doubt and fear, creating a false sense of confidence and self-assuredness. Using alcohol and illicit drugs is like using a Band-Aid on a severe wound.  Once the “Band-Aid,” or drugs and alcohol in this instance, are taken out of the equation, issues with insecurity still exist and often they tend to resurface even worse than they initially were.

Insecurity often makes individuals feel trapped in their own thoughts and emotions. Substance abuse can serve as an enticing form of escapism from the overwhelming feelings of insecurity. When under the influence of substances, individuals may experience a temporary sense of freedom from their self-doubt and fear, further reinforcing their reliance on these substances as a means of escape.  As I stated earlier, substance abuse is simply a temporary fix that exacerbates these feelings of insecurity.  It takes hard work to get to the root of the problem. Through introspection, counseling, and a range of effective therapeutic methods, individuals can confront and unravel their problems rather than merely masking them.  These diverse therapies empower individuals to cultivate healthier coping strategies, bolster self-esteem, and equip themselves with the tools to manage their emotional states without resorting to substance use.

Insecure individuals are more likely to be swayed by peer pressure in their quest for social acceptance.  They may engage in substance use as a means of fitting in with a particular social group or as a coping strategy to alleviate feelings of social inadequacy.  In such cases, insecurity can be a driving force behind the initiation of substance abuse.  I can relate to this struggle from my own youth, always striving to fit in with the "cool kids."  This pursuit led me down a regrettable path, making choices that, in hindsight, were unwise. Back then, I placed an excessive emphasis on external validation, only to realize later that I should have embraced my authentic self and prioritized the opinions of those who truly cared for me, namely my family, close loved ones, and my true friends.  I consider myself to be a realist and I know this harsh truth in practice is far more challenging than it sounds.

Insecurity and substance abuse can have severe consequences for an individual's mental health.  Chronic substance use can exacerbate feelings of self-doubt and anxiety, leading to the development of co-occurring mental health disorders.  This further complicates the recovery process, as individuals must simultaneously address their substance use and underlying insecurities.

Effectively addressing the intricate connection between insecurity and substance abuse requires a “dual-diagnosis approach.”  Treatment should focus not only on the addiction itself but also on the underlying emotional and psychological issues, such as insecurity, that fuel the addictive behaviors. This approach really resonates with my personal journey, as I, too, had harbored a multitude of suppressed issues for an extended period.  It wasn't until I embarked on the difficult, yet courageous, path of confronting these long-buried matters alongside my dedicated counselor that genuine progress in my recovery became possible. Addressing the underlying issues along with tackling my addiction marked an important turning point in my healing journey. These therapeutic strategies helped me develop healthier coping mechanisms, enhanced my self-esteem, and provided tools to manage my emotional state without having to resort to substance use.

Supportive relationships and networks play a pivotal role in the recovery journey.  Group therapy, participation in 12-step programs, and engagement in support groups facilitate connections with individuals who have confronted similar challenges.  The sense of belonging and acceptance within these circles can effectively counteract the pervasive feelings of insecurity that often serve as the driving force behind substance abuse.  It was only when I mustered the strength to leave that behind and began surrounding myself with people genuinely invested in my success that I experienced remarkable strides in my recovery.  My lifelong friends, who have remained steadfast, continue to provide unwavering support.  Additionally, I've had the privilege of forging new friendships with individuals who are equally dedicated to my well-being and actively contribute to my success in whatever endeavor I decide to pursue.

Promoting self-compassion and self-empowerment is essential in the recovery process.  Individuals must learn to replace self-doubt with self-acceptance, acknowledge their worth, and believe in their ability to change.  This transformation can help break the vicious cycle of insecurity and substance abuse.

Insecurity and substance abuse are intricately connected, with one often exacerbating the other.  It is crucial to recognize the role insecurity may play in the development and perpetuation of addiction.  It’s equally important to address both issues simultaneously in the treatment and recovery process.  By providing comprehensive care that addresses the emotional and psychological aspects of addiction, individuals can break free from the vicious cycle, find healthier ways to cope with their insecurities, and embark on a path toward lasting recovery and improved mental health.

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to help spread awareness today.

38. “Hugging the Cactus” on the Path to Recovery

The journey of self-discovery is often a tumultuous one, especially for those grappling with addiction.  I was recently watching a video clip on YouTube of Robert Downey Jr. introducing his friend, Mel Gibson who was presenting Downey Jr. with a cinematography award.  Robert Downey Jr., a renowned actor and philanthropist, has become a symbol of resilience and redemption in the public eye.  His journey from the depths of addiction and personal turmoil to the pinnacle of success in both his personal and professional life has inspired many.  At the time of the award presentation, Mel Gibson was going through some very public struggles of his own.  In Robert Downey Jr.’s introduction, he referred to “hugging the cactus,” a phrase that I had never heard before.  After doing some research of my own, I found that hugging the cactus is a metaphor that emerged from Downey Jr.’s unique perspective on facing and embracing adversity.  The metaphor of hugging the cactus pertains to acknowledging and accepting the darker aspects of one's identity in the pursuit of recovery and personal transformation.  Let’s explore this fascinating concept some more!

The phrase "hug the cactus" was first introduced by Downey Jr. in an interview where he reflected on his struggles with substance abuse.  The metaphor symbolizes the painful and uncomfortable experiences one must confront in order to achieve personal growth.  Rather than avoiding or resisting difficulties, Downey Jr. encourages individuals to embrace them fully, much like hugging a prickly cactus despite the discomfort.  The metaphor of hugging the cactus encapsulates this uncomfortable but transformative process of embracing one's flaws and facing the consequences of one's actions.  In the context of addiction, the cactus represents the prickly and painful aspects of oneself, the consequences of past decisions, and the unexplored territories of one's psyche.  Instead of avoiding or suppressing these uncomfortable truths, hugging the cactus involves a courageous and conscious effort to confront and accept them.  For an alcoholic or drug addict, hugging the cactus means acknowledging the impact of their addiction on themselves and others—accepting the lies, the deceit, and the harm caused.  This act of self-confrontation is not about beating oneself up over their past but rather an honest appraisal that serves as a catalyst for change.  By hugging the cactus, an individual can begin to dismantle the walls of denial and delusion, paving the way for authentic self-awareness.

The central theme of Downey Jr.’s philosophy lies in the idea that growth often arises from the most challenging and uncomfortable situations.  By willingly facing adversity, individuals can transform pain into opportunities for self-discovery and development.  Hugging the cactus implies a deliberate choice to confront life's difficulties head-on, fostering resilience and strength in the face of adversity.  Robert Downey Jr.'s life story serves as a testament to the transformative power of resilience.  By hugging the cactus, he not only overcame personal challenges but also resurrected his career.  This resilience has not only defined his personal narrative but has also made him an influential figure in advocating for mental health awareness and addiction recovery.  While the origin of the quote is rooted in Downey Jr.’s battles with addiction, the metaphor of hugging the cactus extends to various facets of life. Whether in professional pursuits, relationships, or creative endeavors, the philosophy encourages individuals to confront discomfort, setbacks, and challenges as integral components of the journey toward success and self-discovery.

I believe that every individual possesses an inherent goodness, a reservoir of positive qualities that define their essence.  For a drug addict, recognizing and embracing this goodness becomes a cornerstone in their path to recovery.  Beneath the layers of addiction lies the core of their humanity, comprising strengths, talents, and virtues that may have been overshadowed by the struggles of substance abuse.  Embracing the good involves acknowledging these qualities, cultivating self-compassion, and fostering a sense of worthiness.  Acknowledging strengths and virtues is not about denying the existence of flaws but rather realizing that the human experience is inherently multifaceted.  Recovering addicts can tap into their resilience, determination, and empathy as sources of strength, enabling them to confront the challenges of rehabilitation with a newfound sense of purpose.

Embracing both the good and the bad within oneself is not a linear process but rather a dynamic dance between self-acceptance and growth.  Recovering addicts must learn to integrate these seemingly contradictory elements, recognizing that the journey toward wholeness involves both celebrating victories and navigating setbacks.  It is in this duality that the true essence of personal transformation unfolds.  The embrace of the good serves as a source of motivation and inspiration, fueling the recovery journey with a positive vision of the future. Meanwhile, hugging the cactus provides the necessary humility and self-awareness to navigate the challenges that arise.  This dual embrace creates a balanced foundation for sustained recovery, fostering a resilient mindset that acknowledges the ebb and flow of the human experience.

Robert Downey Jr.'s "hug the cactus" philosophy offers a compelling perspective on resilience and personal growth.  By embracing discomfort and challenges, individuals can navigate the complexities of life with a sense of purpose and determination.  As Downey Jr.’s life exemplifies, hugging the cactus can lead not only to personal redemption but also to becoming a source of inspiration for others facing their own struggles. Embracing the good and the bad within oneself is a profound and challenging undertaking, especially for those recovering from addiction.  The metaphor of hugging the cactus illuminates the transformative power of acknowledging and accepting the darker aspects of one's identity. By recognizing the inherent goodness within and bravely facing the thorny truths of the past, individuals on the path to recovery can cultivate an authentic sense of self.  In this dynamic dance between embrace and acceptance, the journey toward wholeness unfolds, offering hope, resilience, and the potential for lasting personal transformation.

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to spread awareness today.

37. Don’t Judge a Book by Its Cover

Allow me to share a recent encounter that altered my perspective on the act of judging others based on their outward appearances.  Just last week, I found myself in a situation that would challenge my preconceptions and reinforce the significance of empathy and compassion.  It all started when a stranger reached out to me for assistance.  He received my phone number from a friend of a friend of a friend.  He explained that he and his girlfriend were in desperate need of clothing, and he heard that I may be able to help them out.  I collect donations daily and deliver them weekly to local shelters, rehabs, and individuals in need.  Without hesitation, I asked for their clothing sizes and embarked on the task of assembling a collection of donations for them.

Over the course of a few days, I meticulously sorted through clothing items, filling four large garbage bags with apparel for both men and women.  A few days later I made a delivery to the address he had shared, which only happened to be a thirty-five-minute drive from my location.  Upon my arrival, I dialed his number, and moments later, he emerged from his residence.  What unfolded before my eyes left me stunned.  His face bore an intricate tapestry of tattoos, so extensive that it was difficult to even determine his ethnicity.  Among these tattoos were unmistakable gang tattoos.  I know this because the gang’s name was literally tattooed on his forehead, accompanied by teardrop symbols and Spanish phrases etched across his face. Despite my initial astonishment, I greeted him with a firm handshake and began the task of unloading the bags, placing them on the sidewalk before him.  While my innate curiosity compelled me to inquire about his life and experiences, I refrained knowing that could come off as rude.  Instead, I extended my offer of assistance once more, reassuring him that I would be available should further needs arise.

To my astonishment, my phone was soon flooded with messages of gratitude from the tattooed man that forced me to reconsider my initial assumptions.  To me, the texts just didn’t seem like things a hardened gang member would say.  A few days later, he reached out once more, this time requesting shoes and winter clothing for both himself and his girlfriend, accompanied by a list of their sizes again. Armed with this information, I happily undertook the task of assembling yet another three garbage bags filled with an assortment of clothing, jackets, shoes, and food items. Returning to his apartment, I called him upon arrival, and once more, he appeared outside to meet me.  We began talking as I unloaded my car.  We traded small talk but after a few minutes I found myself unable to resist the impulse to ask, “So, what’s your story, man?” 

What unfolded was a heart-wrenching narrative.  He disclosed that he had been born in El Salvador into a family deeply entrenched in a notorious gang.  His parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents, and cousins—virtually his entire family—were all established members of the same gang.  He had been born into a life seemingly destined for failure from the jump.  The story continued as he revealed that his father had initiated his facial tattoos when he was a mere SIX years old.  By the young age of twelve, his entire body had been covered with gang tattoos.

However, a perspective shift occurred after he became a father himself.  Fueled by a desire to provide his child with a life free from the shackles of the gang, he made the journey to America, armed with nothing but the clothes on his back.  Unfortunately, his face tattoos proved to be insurmountable obstacles in his quest for employment, with potential employers often dismissing him solely based on his appearance.  He confided in me that he hated looking into mirrors and seeing the reflection that stared back at him, but the financial strain of tattoo removal was beyond his means.  My heart ached for him, and I marveled at the resilience that had allowed him to endure such a turbulent life.  As our conversation continued, his toddler son ventured out of the front door, and I had the privilege of being introduced to him.

I realized that beneath the tattoos was a father striving relentlessly to offer his child a life vastly different from his own tumultuous upbringing. The gratitude he expressed for the donations went far beyond my initial expectations.  This encounter served as a stark reminder of the timeless lesson, "Don't judge a book by its cover."  Although I had heard this phrase many times throughout my life, rarely had I adhered to its wisdom.  This experience served as a profound lesson in suspending judgment, acknowledging the deceptive nature of appearances, and appreciating the complexities of each person's life story.

The importance of being compassionate and withholding judgment based on outward appearances cannot be overstated.  We must strive to treat everyone with kindness and respect, regardless of how different they may seem at first glance.  The story of this man with tattoos on his face is a testament to the power of empathy and the importance of seeing a person beyond the exterior.  By doing so, we can truly make a difference in people's lives and break the cycle of prejudice that hinders our society.

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to help spread awareness today.

36. Altering Your Past

The allure of time travel has been a recurring theme in many movies and books.  While the immediate inclination for many might be to alter the course of their lives, the idea of revisiting pivotal moments in one's life, correcting mistakes, and altering outcomes is undeniably appealing.  Among the myriad of life-altering choices individuals might reconsider, the experience of drug addiction often stands out. However, as we explore such a decision, we learn that drug addiction is a deeply personal and multifaceted experience, and it becomes clear that it is not a straightforward matter of erasing regrettable choices.  Instead, it is a journey that often holds valuable lessons and opportunities for growth.  By examining the potential reasons for not changing this history, I aim to shed light on the intricate nature of addiction and its role in shaping individuals.

It may seem counterintuitive, but some individuals who have battled the relentless grip of addiction find value in their experiences.  These values often emerge from the resilience and personal growth cultivated during the recovery process.  By facing the challenges of addiction, individuals may develop stronger coping mechanisms, increased self-awareness, and a deeper understanding of their own vulnerabilities.  Removing these experiences could inadvertently rob them of valuable lessons learned and the extraordinary opportunity for unparalleled personal development. Addiction often prompts individuals to embark on a journey of self-discovery.  In the pursuit of recovery, they may uncover hidden talents, passions, and interests that they might never have explored otherwise.  I personally experienced this transformation firsthand when I finally achieved sobriety.  Initially, I had no inkling of my true interests or strengths, as my life had been dominated by the shadows of drug abuse for such a long time.  The necessity to embark on a voyage of self-exploration pushed me to try new endeavors and activities to determine my true interests and talents.  To my astonishment, I discovered a deep fondness for running, considering myself to be reasonably good at it.  I also uncovered an untapped talent for writing when I decided to put my life's struggle with addiction onto paper.  The realization struck me that I possessed far more talent as a writer than I had ever imagined.  Rewriting history could have potentially deprived me of these life-altering opportunities for self-discovery.

Altering one's history of drug addiction would not only impact the individual but also the people in their lives.  Family members, friends, and loved ones often play a significant role in the journey of recovery. Erasing the addiction from the timeline may mean erasing the shared moments of support, understanding, and growth that occurred during the recovery process.  During the period when I first began using drugs, I found myself gradually drifting away from my family.  I didn’t want them to know what I was doing and the easiest way to do that was to not be around them.  The desire to shield them from my struggles led me to create more distance between us.  The grip of addiction deteriorated my relationship with my family.  However, upon achieving sobriety, I embarked on a journey characterized by unwavering honesty and integrity.  I abandoned deceit and chose to be completely transparent with my family.  Consequently, my relationship with them today has reached newfound strength and resilience.  It is possible that without my drug addiction, the profound connection I now share with them might never have been forged.

Personal experiences with addiction can cultivate a deeper sense of empathy and compassion for others facing similar challenges. Individuals who have battled addiction may be more inclined to support and advocate for addiction recovery programs, mental health services, and the crucial reduction of stigma surrounding addiction. Prior to my own journey through addiction, my capacity for empathy and compassion was non-existent.  My addiction led me down a tumultuous path, resulting in multiple stints in rehab.  Within those rehab facilities, I encountered individuals from all walks of life, each bearing their own heartbreaking stories.  For many, it seemed as though life had stacked the odds against them from the very beginning.  Some had been born into addiction due to their parent's substance abuse during pregnancy, while others had endured unspeakable childhood traumas that left them emotionally scarred.  I once viewed homelessness or drug addiction heartlessly, assuming it was merely a choice.  I've since come to understand that it's often far more than just a choice.  Through my addiction, I unearthed a profound sense of empathy and compassion, particularly for those who have battled the same demons I did.

Sharing the story of overcoming addiction can serve as a source of inspiration and hope for others facing similar challenges.  By choosing not to change one's addiction history, individuals can continue to inspire and support others on their journey to recovery. When I embarked on my journey to sobriety, I made a promise to myself to dedicate the remainder of my life to guiding others away from the same poor decisions I made leading to, and during my addiction.  Those who have personally weathered the storms of addiction can emerge as advocates for raising awareness and prevention.  Their personal stories can illuminate the dangers of substance abuse.  I have been fortunate to deliver a TEDx talk recounting my own journey through the clutches of drug addiction.  Countless individuals have reached out to express how my talk resonated with them and even aided them in their own lives.  Moreover, I have begun writing a weekly column for The Independent Republican, and it's heartening to receive messages from readers who have found it instrumental in helping them better understand addiction and its consequences.  I plan to continue spreading awareness about this until my last day on this Earth.  In the process of doing so, I hope my personal experience of recovery from addiction inspires others.

By contemplating whether or not to change one's history of addiction, we must also address the stigma surrounding addiction.  The prevailing view that addiction is solely a consequence of bad choices can perpetuate shame and guilt, hindering recovery efforts.  Choosing not to change one's addiction history sends a powerful message that addiction is a part of a person's life story, not a defining flaw.

The hypothetical scenario of traveling back in time to change a history of drug addiction is fraught with complexities so the decision to change a history of drug addiction is far from straightforward. Addiction is not a mere choice, but rather a journey influenced by various factors that can ultimately shape individuals in profound ways.  While it is natural to wish to avoid the pain and hardship associated with addiction, it is essential to recognize that it is also a source of personal growth and resilience for many.  Rather than erasing the past, a more profound understanding and empathy for the complexities of addiction can pave the way for better support, treatment, and recovery in the present and the future.  By acknowledging the multifaceted nature of addiction, we can ultimately foster a more compassionate and informed perspective on this pressing societal issue.

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to help spread awareness today.

35. Blessings

I’m blessed.  Actually, let me rephrase that… I’m beyond blessed.  Addiction can cast a dark shadow over an individual's life, leading to despair, broken relationships, and shattered dreams.  However, beyond the darkness lies the possibility of recovery and the opportunity for a life filled with blessings. Recovery from drug addiction is often a complex journey filled with challenges, obstacles, and setbacks.  The transformative power of recovery enables individuals to break free from the cycle of destruction and rediscover their self-worth.  Recovery provides opportunities for personal growth, redemption, and the rediscovery of passions and talents, allowing individuals to embrace a new way of life filled with hope and purpose.  Support networks, including family, friends, and community members offer invaluable assistance along the way, creating a sense of being blessed by their presence.  While the road to recovery may be challenging, those who embark on it often find themselves blessed with a second chance at fulfilling a meaningful life.

Recovery from drug addiction is an extensive process of personal transformation.  It is a journey that allows individuals to shed their old selves, marked by addiction and its destructive consequences, and embrace a new way of life.  It requires individuals to reach deep within themselves to rediscover their inner strength.  The very first time I had a drink and used a drug something inside of me changed.  I'm not merely referring to the alteration of brain chemistry; rather, I found that the more alcohol and drugs I introduced into my body, the further I drifted from the person I once was to someone I loathed and whom others grew to hate.  It may seem strong to describe it as 'hate,' but in this context, it's an undeniable truth.  It wasn't until I finally gave up alcohol and drugs that I could embark on the journey of self-discovery.  I started using substances during my early teenage years.  For well over fifteen years, I was caught in the grips of addiction.  I was utterly adrift and disconnected from my true self.  Quitting drugs didn't instantly lead me back to my authentic identity.  It demanded time and substantial effort.  I'm still in the process of self-discovery!  This transformative potential is a blessing, as it granted me the chance to break free from the shackles of addiction and start anew.

Recovery from drug addiction is not a solitary endeavor.  It relies heavily on the support of others, which can be seen as a blessing in itself. Substance abuse addiction often damages personal connections with loved ones, resulting in strained or even severed ties.  However, through recovery, individuals have the opportunity to make amends, rebuild trust, and reestablish healthy relationships.  The presence of a strong support network can make all the difference in an individual's journey toward recovery, with family and friends playing pivotal roles.  While I was using, I believed that those I used drugs with were true friends, but I couldn't have been more mistaken. When the drugs ceased to be a part of my life, so did those "friends."  It’s my true friends, the ones who had distanced themselves while I grappled with addiction, who proved unwavering in their commitment to my well-being.  Their continued support, encouragement, and understanding are a blessing.  The love and care of these loved ones not only fuel my motivation to stay clean but also provide a profound sense of belonging, reinforcing my dedication to recovery.  I came to understand that genuine friends are the ones who lovingly call you out on your BS, even when it's not necessarily the popular thing for them to do.  Today, my true friends do just that and I am absolutely blessed for it.

Recovery from drug addiction is not merely about ceasing drug use; it is a complex process of personal growth and redemption.  Many individuals view their recovery journey as a second chance at life, an opportunity to make amends for past mistakes, and a commitment to become the best version of themselves realizing their true potential.  My personal story is a testament to the improbable because, by all accounts, I should be dead.  It’s a legitimate miracle that I’m still alive to tell my side of the story today.  When I embarked on my recent journey to sobriety, I made sincere vows: to dedicate the remainder of my life to aiding those grappling with addiction and to embody unwavering integrity consistently by choosing the right path, even when no one is looking.  The transformation into a person of integrity has emerged as one of the most profound blessings in my life.  Through this, I've managed to rekindle the trust and respect of family, friends, and my community.  Recovery has provided an opportunity for me to rediscover myself and pursue a life filled with purpose and meaning.

Rediscovering one's talents and passions after overcoming an addiction can be an incredibly rewarding journey.  It's a process of self-discovery and healing, where individuals not only break free from the chains of addiction but also unearth their hidden potential.  As they embark on this path of recovery, they often find that their talents, once overshadowed by the darkness of addiction, begin to shine once more.  Whether it's rediscovering a knack for painting, a love for music, a talent for cooking, or a gift for connecting with others, these talents serve as beacons of hope and sources of strength.  In my own journey, I rediscovered my love for coaching soccer.  I found that running is not only a talent but has also proved to be a great outlet that has helped me immensely with my mental health.  I found that I have a special skill in connecting with children and helping to guide them.  This is a true testament to the resilience and potential within me, which offered a renewed sense of purpose and fulfillment on the road to a brighter, substance-free future – truly a blessing!

The journey of recovery from drug addiction is undeniably a journey that is filled with blessings. It is a transformative process that allows individuals to break free from the chains of addiction, rediscover their true selves, and embark on a path toward personal growth and redemption. The support of family, true friends, and the community is an invaluable blessing that sustains and uplifts those embarking on this challenging journey. Recovery offers a second chance at life and an opportunity to embrace a life filled with hope and purpose. As we reflect on the profound blessings of recovery, we are reminded that it is not just about ceasing drug use, but about becoming the best version of ourselves and realizing our true potential. In the midst of adversity, recovery illuminates the path to a brighter, more meaningful future, reminding us all that we are indeed blessed with the opportunity to rewrite our own stories.

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to help spread awareness today.

34. Addiction & its Effect on Families & Loved Ones

Over the course of the past month, I've been intimately engaged with the family of an individual grappling with a prolonged struggle against drug addiction.  What began as exchanges on Instagram evolved into sporadic text messages, culminating in lengthy phone calls.  The family, grappling with the overwhelming challenge of assisting their loved one, was adrift and uncertain.  While I provided suggestions and solace, I found myself grappling with the same bewilderment that enveloped them.  Despite having followed a path almost identical to their loved one’s, I couldn't articulate the precise words they needed to hear at that moment.  What struck me profoundly was the depth of pain and anguish the family endured because of their loved one's addiction. Their emotions, a tumultuous mix of anger, sadness, and confusion, served as a stark reminder that drug addiction extends far beyond the individual struggling with it.  It casts a pervasive shadow over everyone closely connected to the afflicted individual.  While these reminders play a vital role in keeping my own recovery on track, I'd readily alleviate their pain and suffering if it were within my power.  Regrettably, the harsh reality is that it's far from a straightforward task, though my heartfelt wish persists.  If there's one action within my capacity, it is to impress upon my readers the devastating impact of drug addiction on families and friendships.  It is a force that reverberates, affecting not only the addict but also anyone with even the smallest amount of affection for them.

With that being said, this week I’m here to further explore the harrowing realm of drug addiction, scrutinizing not only the individual ensnared by its grasp but also the profound repercussions it inflicts upon the unsuspecting victims – the family members and close loved ones.  Through a lens that transcends statistical data and clinical analyses, I explore the intricate dynamics of family bonds eroded by the corrosive effects of substance abuse.  This exploration serves as an attempt to comprehend the depth of despair experienced by those who stand helplessly on the outside of addiction looking in.  The toll it exacts on the family members of the addict is a tale often filled with shame, stigma, and silent suffering.  As we embark on this exploration, we must acknowledge that behind every statistic is a human narrative, a complex tapestry of emotions, shattered dreams, and resilient love.

The journey into addiction is rarely solitary; it is a collective descent into darkness that entwines the lives of those closest to the addict.  What begins as subtle shifts in behavior and mood transform into a consuming force, leaving the family grappling with a loved one who is slipping away – physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.  Their personal struggle transforms into a shared burden, leaving a family to grapple with a version of the addict that is slipping away.  The addict becomes a mere shell of the person they once were, and the family members become unwitting witnesses to this haunting transformation.

Trust, the delicate glue holding families together, becomes collateral damage.  As they witness the erosion of dreams and promises, family members grapple with the duality of love and resentment. The unconditional love that forms the solid foundation of family ties becomes a double-edged sword, cutting through the soul of loved ones with every broken promise and unfulfilled potential of the addict. In the relentless pursuit of the next high, deception becomes the addict’s unwitting expertise.  Ensnared by the relentless demands of their desired vice, the addict inadvertently becomes a master of deception.  Family members, burdened with the weight of suspicion and fear, tiptoe through a minefield of broken promises, stolen moments, and shattered trust.  Trust, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly crumbles away.  In the face of this profound disruption, the journey toward recovery is arduous for both the addict and their family members.  The scars of addiction linger, and rebuilding trust is a painstaking process.  Family members find themselves grappling with conflicting emotions of hope and caution as they cautiously embrace the tentative steps toward rehabilitation.

As addiction devastates the family unit, emotions run high and unpredictable.  Loved ones navigate anger, despair, and heartbreak, occasionally interrupted by fleeting moments of hope that are very often overshadowed by the next setback.  Anger, despair, and heartbreak become commonplace.  The emotional toll on family members is profound, as they teeter between empathy for the addict's struggle and the desperate need to preserve their own sanity.

The impact of drug addiction on family members is a narrative etched with sorrow, resilience, and the enduring power of love.  It serves as a poignant reminder that addiction is not a solitary battle; it is a collective struggle that reverberates through the interconnected lives of those bound to the addict. As society grapples with the complexities of addiction, it is imperative to illuminate the shadows that conceal the silent suffering of family members, fostering empathy and understanding in the quest for healing.

I used to perceive my drug addiction as a personal struggle, convinced it was solely my problem and didn't impact anyone else. It turns out, that was just my addiction deceiving me.  If you find yourself grappling with an addiction and believe it only impacts you and no one else, reconsider. I can assure you its repercussions are far-reaching and extend beyond just yourself.

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to help spread awareness today.

I.L.M.O.J.L. <3

33. Drug Treatment Court

Last week, I provided a brief overview of the circumstances that landed me in Drug Treatment Court (DTC).  Initially, I was completely unaware of the existence of such a program tailored for individuals struggling with drug addiction and/or alcoholism while facing non-violent criminal charges.  I’m extremely blessed (and grateful) to have had a lawyer who was familiar with DTC and was dedicated to securing my enrollment in the program.  This opportunity offered me a lifeline to potentially mitigate or even dismiss the charges looming over me.  The arresting officers charged me with a DUI (driving under the influence), leaving the scene of an accident, and several drug possession charges.  However, the situation escalated further due to the substantial amount of Xanax in my possession at the time of my arrest, leading to the additional charge of intent to distribute a controlled substance, a class B felony.  If convicted of the class B felony, intent to distribute a controlled substance, I was looking at a possible prison sentence.  For those unfamiliar with the intricacies of the criminal justice system, it's essential to understand that a class A felony is the highest-level offense, and my class B felony was dangerously close.  As many of you are aware, bearing a criminal record is an enormous barrier to securing employment, regardless of the nature of the job sought.  Consequently, DTC and the prospect of having my charges reduced or, better yet, dismissed, swiftly became a top priority of mine.

In a society where the vicious cycle of substance abuse and criminality continues to plague individuals and communities, DTCs offer a progressive and compassionate approach to addressing these intertwined issues.  By emphasizing rehabilitation over punishment, these courts not only provide individuals with a chance to overcome their addiction but also contribute to public safety by reducing recidivism rates.  While challenges and limitations exist, the overall success of DTCs points toward a more humane and effective way of achieving justice while fostering a profound personal transformation.

The primary objective of DTC is to divert nonviolent individuals grappling with substance abuse away from the conventional criminal justice system and towards specialized treatment programs tailored to address their addiction issues.  This approach was built upon the recognition that addiction is a disease that requires medical AND therapeutic intervention rather than mere punishment.  At the core of DTC lie foundational principles rooted in collaboration, accountability, and individualized treatment.  These specialized courts bring together various stakeholders, including judges, prosecutors, defense attorneys, treatment professionals, probation officers, and law enforcement officials, to work collaboratively in designing and monitoring treatment plans for participants.  This process involves a regimen of regular court appearances, frequent drug testing, ongoing evaluations, and mandatory journaling, all of which collectively ensure participants are held responsible for their progress in treatment and their journey toward sobriety.

There are several integral components of DTC.  Participants in the program undergo comprehensive assessments to determine the most suitable course of treatment, which may encompass various options such as detoxification, outpatient counseling, inpatient rehabilitation, or medication-assisted treatment.  When I initially entered the DTC program, I had already completed a 21-day inpatient rehabilitation program directly after spending a week in jail.  Subsequently, as a requirement of the DTC, I transitioned directly into an outpatient program where I attended hour-long group therapy sessions alongside fellow individuals grappling with addictions five days a week. Additionally, I was obligated to take part in one-on-one counseling sessions with a therapist who closely monitored and reported my progress in treatment to the DTC team.

The structure of DTCs can vary significantly from one jurisdiction to another, yet they generally adhere to a well-organized program that includes multiple phases.  Participants advance through these phases based on their compliance with treatment plans, regular drug testing, and court appearances.  In the DTC I participated in, there were three phases.  In the initial phase, participants were mandated to attend court sessions weekly, where they would provide updates on their treatment progress and address any inquiries posed by the presiding judge.  During the second phase, court attendance was reduced to once every two weeks, and in the third phase, participants were required to attend court monthly.  Completion of the program was contingent upon meeting specific requirements, which typically included sustained sobriety, compliance with treatment, educational or vocational progress, and no criminal behavior.

Regular court appearances play a pivotal role in the effectiveness of the DTC program.  This allows judges to closely monitor participants' progress, address any challenges, and provide essential positive reinforcement for milestones achieved.  In my personal experience, I cannot help but express my admiration for the judge overseeing the DTC program I was fortunate enough to be a part of.  His unwavering commitment to the program was indisputable, and it was evident that he harbored genuine concern for each individual under his supervision.  This blend of compassion and firmness in his approach set the tone for our journey through the program.  However, it's essential to highlight that the judge also wielded the authority to impose penalties such as jail sentences whenever necessary.  This, in turn, served as a potent incentive for us to adhere rigorously to our treatment plans and attend group sessions unless we had a legitimate reason to miss them. Accountability is a cornerstone of the program's success.  In addition to the judge's pivotal role, each participant was assigned a coordinator who maintained direct contact with our counselors from treatment.  These coordinators played a crucial role in our rehabilitation journey by providing the judge with detailed updates on our progress.  Personally, I consider myself extremely fortunate to have had the coordinator that I did.  Much like the judge, she demonstrated an unwavering dedication to our success.  Her genuine care and commitment to our well-being extended beyond the program, as she earnestly wished to see us thrive not only within the DTC program but also in life.

We routinely underwent both scheduled and surprise drug tests to uphold our commitment to maintaining sobriety.  These tests were predominantly conducted during our outpatient program sessions, but occasional spontaneous tests could be administered within the courtroom’s bathroom facilities.  DTCs frequently join forces with community-based organizations to establish a strong support network that helps participants to successfully reintegrate into society.  It was often encouraged that participants attend self-help groups such as NA or AA, coupled with a request to diligently record their attendance in a personal journal.

In the face of the complex issue of substance abuse, traditional punitive measures have proven inadequate in addressing the root causes of addiction and reducing recidivism.  DTCs have emerged as a progressive alternative that aims to break the cycle of substance abuse and criminal behavior by emphasizing rehabilitation over incarceration.  These specialized court programs combine elements of the criminal justice system with a focus on treatment, support, and accountability, offering a more holistic approach to tackling addiction-related crimes.  Research into the effectiveness of DTCs has yielded promising results.  A study conducted by the National Institute of Justice found that participants in DTCs were 35% less likely to be arrested again than those processed through traditional court systems.

I’m blessed to be a part of that 35%.

And remember, if you’re struggling, or know someone who is struggling, please don’t lose hope.  If that had happened to me, I wouldn’t be able to help spread awareness today.